Annette was my life. We were married 12 years. No children. Only the two of us. We both suffered from morbid obesity. This led to fluid build up called Edema. We both took care of each other as best we could. We were poor but a happy couple in our 50s. Annette also suffered from cronic panic attacks. SO awful that last year she spent nearly two weeks as they tried to get the proper meds for her.

They worked for time. Then I lost my job and health insurance. We had no money for medication as we tried to pay rent and prevent us from being evicted.

She stated having terrible night sleeps. Sleep apena (as I have) denied her a good night sleeps. SHe started screaming in her sleeps, and her edema started getting worse. SHe kept tellingme she didn't feel well for months. I begged her to go to the hospital but she refused. I think we were maybe both in denial of our health. We suffered. I had to find work despite the agony of walking. In fact its what kept me alive. The bread winner has to move. Movement is life.

She started to bloat and I screamed at her to go to the hospital. But she wouldn't. Then that night, she kept sleeping on her stomach. I sat across the room from her. I noticed she wasn't moving. I charged over to her an screamed Honey!!! I turned her over and her lips were blue. I screamed no!! please God no!!

I diled 911 they came but couldn't resucitate her. I loved her more thanmy own soul. I amalone. I come home to silence. My beloved of 12 years is gone. I am beyond grief. I beg God to plase take me. I collected her ashes yesterday and brought them home. I wear her ring which I will take with me upon my death. 

It's a nightmare. An utter, blinding nightmare. I should have forced her. I keep thinking what if I had called 911 and forced her to go? I took care of her soiled clothing, washed her, and loved to cook for her. Now it's gone. ALl gone. I want the grief and madness to stop. It won't stop. ANd the only thing that will bring me peace is to be with my wonderful wife. Nothing comforts me. I just want to fall alseep and beg God to take me. 

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Something else that I wasn't expecting. I found out that I'm talking to myself -- loudly to the point where someone asked me, while I was waiting for a cab "are you all right sir?" I asked why I wouldn't be and they said that I was actually having an argument and there was nobody there beside me.

I had to literally go to the store by a cab because I didn't have any money yet to do the food deliveries to the apartment.

Again I almost fainted. to top it all off I hate sneezed and a huge amount of blood poured out of my nose, covering my hand entirely. it wasn't like a normal nosebleed, it was a one-shot deal. I sneezed and Out came a humongous amount of blood.
I went to the unemployment office today. I did the orientation and my unemployment will not be interrupted.

I am sorry to say that I will never be able to live without my wife a Annette.

I just wasn't built to last without her I know I should've done better I should've done more for her I should've been in bed with her when she passed and I could've prevented so much misery but it's too late now.

The psychiatrist recommended that I take some antidepressants along with several other ones to control the outbursts but I said no. what ever happens to me happens.

I still keep seeing her blue lips and swollen face . I don't like to think of it. it's a nightmare that keeps repeating itself over and over. And it hasn't stopped yet.
Today is Sunday, I'm sitting in Hoboken on the bench getting some fresh air.

I had a complete and absolute nightmare and I woke up screaming last night .

tomorrow I will go to the hospital and to find out about my test results.

The loneliness and solitude is finally finishing me off. I can't stand the thought of living like this for years to come.

I know now I will never survive I don't have sufficient unemployment to keep it going so I am pretty much back to where I started but I sure as hell gave it a fight.

like many here in this forum i too allowed my health to declinie faster.

I finally heard my wife's voice last night I was sitting on the bed you nodding off and I nearly was about to fall onto the floor when I heard Annette shout out "Richie!"

It woke me up just in the nick of time before i was about to collapsed onto the floor.

I cried out to Annette honey please take me now but no. This time there was only silence .
Today is the first day of spring and when I woke up in the middle of the night, I found myself with the sensation of total isolation. I got my clothes on (it was about 3 AM in the morning) and I went outside in the middle of the night. there was no one outside no cars nothing. the neighborhood was so serene and quiet , you could almost hear the traffic from across the Hudson river. So there I am sitting alone all by myself as always and I just broke down and cried. I called out to Annette.

I don't know how long I was outside but I finally watched the sunrise.

I then collapsed and I barely made it back to the apartment. somehow my energy; my life force if you will, felt as if it was leaving me. it was as if I felt the sensation of dying slowly but with no pain, just the feeling that my time is coming soon. I know it sounds strange but that's exactly how I felt. it's as if I was touched by something. I Felt at peace, which is something that I did not expect. that's when I knew that Annette is by my side waiting. I feel embraced by her.

I told her I was afraid to be alone. That the loneliness is more terrifying than I could bare.

Each day being the same being reminded that you're not there. An empty seat or an empty bedroom. it's just not right. it's getting hard to breathe now. I'm getting worse and I am in bed. It. was absolute hell to try to get out of bed this morning. the pain was incredible. so now here I am laying down trying to rest the rest of the night as the pain has drained me .
I was sitting outside and the gentleman and his wife saw me sitting and he said "oh by the way how's your wife doing?"

I told him that she had died and his face and her face went pale with Embarrassment. He kept apologizing over and over and over and said he was so sorry.

The couple was so embarrassed I feel bad for them more than myself. They said if I needed anything to please let them know. He gave me his apartment number as a reminder.

Anyway I didn't go back to the hospital yet to find out about my results because I was so sick. I couldn't stand or sit I had to lay down in bed again.

Tomorrow, Wednesday, I will be going at which point I will then hopefully have enough proof that I can qualify for disability.
I got back from the hospital. I checked in and I was there for several hours. the results came back and the doctor told me that chest x-ray came clean and that my bloodwork is normal. Also my EKG also showed no abnormalities. in short, I am a healthy person considering that I weigh 420 pounds.

However the doctor added that the weight that I have now inevitably will begin to take its toll on me sooner or later. it will happen in the form he says of either diabetes or heart attack and there's is just no way around it if I don't lose the weight. My lifespan will be cut short if stay on this course.

I consider a shorter lifespan a blessing in disguise.

so right now I am so in one piece.
These last few days have been horrific. I can't seem to stay calm. I keep screaming in the night, I love my wife. I miss Annette over and over and I keep begging God to please, if it is my time let it be now so that I can be with her.

I would wake up in the middle of the night find myself constantly be reminded that I am now alone with no one to love me, and for me having no one to love. that is the greatest punishment a human being can experience and I have no one to turn to. I wonder just how long this punishment will last.

My mind is slipping and I find no interest in looking forward to what's left of my miserable life.
I find now that I can't even walk. my groin has expanded too such a degree with retained fluid that it now nearly reaches my kneecaps. I look like I'm ready to keel over. I'm now home the lights are off and I'm in the dark. I pray to God that Annette comes for me because quite frankly I'm just too tired and weak to get out of bed. Even getting up to go to the bathroom feels like a chore.

Earlier today I had to run an errand that left me so exhausted and in pain then when I got home I actually just went to bed and woke up hours later from another nightmare. now it's never ending. it's not fair. I just want to have my wife back and have my old life back, just like everyone here.

I had a talk with my brother the one who had a liver transplant. He was a week away from death when he got his replacement. He told me he was scared to die but not anymore. He said that when you're dying fear is the top emotion.
Oh I was sitting outside today and watching the sun setting a new stops by? The landlord. We had a quick chat and that was it nothing major just to sort of hello how are you goodbye.

I went to the hospital and got my medical records. I see Social Security disability this Friday. I can barely walk anyway so it's going to be a hell of a sight seeing a guy my size waddlingb every few feet and feeling winded and out of breath, ready to collapse .

When I went to the hospital today, I was literally having to walk an extremely long corridor where the medical records were located and I actually had to stop walking and lean against the wall every few feet to catch my breath. one of the security guards checked to see if I was OK because I was completely out of breath and almost ready to keel over from exhaustion.
Today I went and applied for ldisability Social Security. I'm told that I was denied but now I am appealing it the reason I was denied is because I haven't seen a doctor yet regarding the obesity problem they want to have a record of that and that's how people get disabled services stupid me or will I have to go back to this time and apply for Medicaid which is the first step to getting help.

People are often denied the first time they apply for disability; keep at it, you should get it.  I do still think you should try to get a Social Worker assigned to you, to help you will all this stuff.

Blue:

how exactly do I get social worker involved? Do I ask for it when I go on Monday to apply at the welfare office? Its the same building.

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