Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by bluebird on March 4, 2017 at 6:33pm

Richard,

I am glad to hear that. Will you be going soon?

--bluebird

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on March 6, 2017 at 4:00pm

Got back late last night from the hospital.

I had to talk to a grief Counselor. I also had to apply for charity care at the same time. Have to provide a bunch of paper work to them regarding my income .

I'm supposed to go back for my blood test results and they want to do an MRI and x-ray on my chest This week. I have to go schedule for that as well. The doctor on call saw how morbidly obese I was and We spoke for a while about what my long-term goals were .

He had me try to move about to see what my limitations were and recorded them. so I have now the paperwork "in the pipeline" to make sure that there's a history of my inability to get around like a normal person.

I still have a long way to go to prove to Social Security that I deserve to be listed as a disabled individual.

I'm told that I still suffer from chronic depression and grief. I told the counselor that it's crippled me. I was told that I was not crazy but that I really need to see someone professionally. I told the counselor I don't have any insurance so again it'll have to come through charity care.

I have a long day tomorrow Tuesday as I have to also go back to social services get the paperwork resolved to get rental assistance.

just for the record My blood pressure was 210/105 .

I was given medication for that for a few days because I have to go back and finish the full application. Before I can get the full months prescription.

Man, that's a lot of paperwork to fill out. i'm told once I fill out the paperwork they say it'll be a lot easier to get help once it's processed. They do move quickly, I'll give them that.

In the meantime I have to rest tomorrow's going to be another long day but a loose am finally do something.

Permalink Reply by morgan on March 7, 2017 at 12:18am

Richard, I think I can speak for a lot of us here that are relieved that for the time being, as Bluebird so wisely advised, you get some help to at least try to be comfortable without an added layer of suffering.  Bravo for getting out there and getting the help.  We all care so let us know how things progress. 

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on March 7, 2017 at 12:33pm

I also just got back from social services regarding my rent assistance. I handed in the paperwork application and I'm told that I will be able to qualify to get my rent paid.

However it all boils down to the attitude of the landlord. even though she'll be paid she may want to get rid of me but will have to see.

I was also given $60 worth of groceries in the form of a gift card for ShopRite.

I am really physically exhausted and can barely move so I'm going to have to rest for a while after which I have to go back to the hospital this week and get all that done with the charity care and the follow up.

Just a weird note. I found myself on the floor -- passed out. the doctor told me it could be related to a defective heart valve. When I asked him how come he thinks that's what it is he said because my heart may not be pumping sufficient blood (oxygen)to the brain. He also says he could hear my heart wheezing.

I'll post update asap

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on March 7, 2017 at 4:12pm

I just woke up around 5 o'clock. right now the strange thing is I woke up screaming out Annette's name.

Right now I'm so exhausted. it's not just lack of sleep but actual mental and physical exhaustion. It's so strange to be alone It's been a few months and yet it still feels like she died in my arms just the other day. that's the hell I seem to be going through. It's still so fresh in my mind. God help me, I don't want to get used to it. I just want to talk to her that's all I ask.

I got the call from the hospital specifing the dates for my follow up physical as well as the date for grief counseling/therapy. I guess that means I qualified for charity care otherwise they would not have called me .

Permalink Reply by Elynn m on March 7, 2017 at 10:58pm

Richard,  it's good to hear that some progress was made.   I agree with the others.  Take care of yourself, because  you are  important.  Thank you for openly sharing with us.  (I find myself calling out for Joe at times.)

It's good to hear that you are getting help.  Keep up the good work.   

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on March 8, 2017 at 8:49am

Elynn

Thanks for the compliment. one thing that I am certain of, I don't think I could ever take medication for my depression and grief. I consider It a cheat. No pill should be used as a crutch. that's just my point of view. I keep calling out to her every night and every day and I think I will continue to do that until the day I day.

I've tried explaining that annette and I I had no children, no social life, no friends,nothing just the two of us taking care of each other.

Maybe we should have been more sociable, maybe we should have done more to mAke friends but that's not the case and history has made its decision that we have to live with.

I'm going to the hospital's charity care office to finish up the paperwork and after that well let's hope and pray that I can get through at least one day without screaming in the night .

My God, this is the price paid when two people fall in love. There will be an eventual separation through illness or accident or old age.

Those who were lucky stay together for many blessed years . and then there are the tragedies where life is cut short and we try to find meaning behind the pain .

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on March 8, 2017 at 8:32pm

I just realized what my life is now. it's to have no one to say "I love you" to. to not feel the touch of each others hands. To not look into each other's eyes and say "I love you"
.
That's what so frightening. to know that I will spend the rest of my life without having a woman tell me she loves me -- that's the real hell. I can't imagine anything worse than living without love.

to wake up in the middle of the night and know the one who we cherished will no longer be there to tell us how much they love us.

I wonder how Long it will be when I could finally hear those words again.

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on March 10, 2017 at 12:33pm

I received a call this morning from social services and they said they are making up the checks for the two months back rent that I owe to the landlord. Even though they will be paying for it, im told I'm still responsible however for paying the rent late fees which amounts to $100.

Also I was asked if I wanted to take medication for the depression. I told the doctor that I was sent to the answer has to be no. I can't have my brain chemistry modified. there's just something not right about it. every part of me tells me there's not anything right about it.

One thing that I found interesting. I live alone now. I have no one to talk to. I have no places to go. Nobody to meet and nobody to hang out with.

There was an old man many many years ago when I was a kid.

He was a widower as well and I remember him. he went to the park and sit there on the bench all day. and my parents when they were alive were friends with him. After a while we never saw him again. after a few years, we never knew what happened to him. but I see myself like this man. growing old, silent. Time passes and we grow old and die as is the nature of all things.

Right now I'm sitting in my apartment on this cold Friday and I think I will go outside, sit down on a bench myself and watch the day pass. with the grace of God I hope my that my time on this earth is short, so that I can be with my Annette just as everyone here wishes the same for themselves.

Isn't it incredible how we sometimes find out too late but our very existence, our very reason for wanting to live is connected to each other in some profound, cosmic way. maybe that's the answer to the riddle of life. Love. to live is to live not for yourself but for someone else. To care for that person to The exclusion of ourselves.

We learned to love because we are loved and when that was cut off so to is this life.

Permalink Reply by bluebird on March 10, 2017 at 6:54pm

Maybe the landlord will let the late fees go, if you explain the situation?

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on March 10, 2017 at 8:09pm

Bluebird:

Unfortunately my current landlord is someone who I've tried to be able to deal with in the past for getting things fixed and they took forever or never.

They know of my situation and my loss of Annette and even then they still really didnt care to hear about it. With them it's just business. something that I've learned to accept when we first rented apartment 12 years ago

Permalink Reply by Richard Rivera on March 12, 2017 at 1:45pm

I got a call and exhaustionfrom the hospital. they want to do a second round of tests. so I have to go back this week. I'm getting incredibly weaker each day. I can't even walk any further now. I walk a few feet with blinding, intense pain in every part of my body. I tolerated the pain for years because I had to support myself and Annette for so many years. Now without her at my side, I'm alone with the pain which I cannot longer tolerate .
also the Chronic edema has gotten so bad that I have retained water in my thighs, groin and in my chest. It's pointing to heart failure ( my previous doctor, when I had insurance told me that I needed to take care of it at some point ).

So when I go this week i'm assuming the news is grim but that's all right. I'll have the answer to my problem and I'll be relieved it's one less thing to worry about .

I'll leave it in gods hands.

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