Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
Annette was my life. We were married 12 years. No children. Only the two of us. We both suffered from morbid obesity. This led to fluid build up called Edema. We both took care of each other as best we could. We were poor but a happy couple in our 50s. Annette also suffered from cronic panic attacks. SO awful that last year she spent nearly two weeks as they tried to get the proper meds for her.
They worked for time. Then I lost my job and health insurance. We had no money for medication as we tried to pay rent and prevent us from being evicted.
She stated having terrible night sleeps. Sleep apena (as I have) denied her a good night sleeps. SHe started screaming in her sleeps, and her edema started getting worse. SHe kept tellingme she didn't feel well for months. I begged her to go to the hospital but she refused. I think we were maybe both in denial of our health. We suffered. I had to find work despite the agony of walking. In fact its what kept me alive. The bread winner has to move. Movement is life.
She started to bloat and I screamed at her to go to the hospital. But she wouldn't. Then that night, she kept sleeping on her stomach. I sat across the room from her. I noticed she wasn't moving. I charged over to her an screamed Honey!!! I turned her over and her lips were blue. I screamed no!! please God no!!
I diled 911 they came but couldn't resucitate her. I loved her more thanmy own soul. I amalone. I come home to silence. My beloved of 12 years is gone. I am beyond grief. I beg God to plase take me. I collected her ashes yesterday and brought them home. I wear her ring which I will take with me upon my death.
It's a nightmare. An utter, blinding nightmare. I should have forced her. I keep thinking what if I had called 911 and forced her to go? I took care of her soiled clothing, washed her, and loved to cook for her. Now it's gone. ALl gone. I want the grief and madness to stop. It won't stop. ANd the only thing that will bring me peace is to be with my wonderful wife. Nothing comforts me. I just want to fall alseep and beg God to take me.
Tags:
I'm thinking that Annette is sending you messages loud and clear Richard. Are you listening? The "chances" of that one Uber driver having that kind of experience and in that space and time relating it to you. Coincidence? I think not.
Richard, I understand your feelings. If only we could have had more time with our loved ones. If only something had been different. It doesn't seem to matter if they died in front of us or in a horrible accident. Bottom line is the pain stems from wanting to have had more "time". More time to do whatever.
Now time is spent without their love. But there was nothing we did wrong. We gave them love. We can't measure what form or actions we took to express that love. It sounds to me that Annettte's physical health was compromised. My own husbands health was also compromised. I know it was part of the reason why he died. Did I do enough to help him? I tried. So did you. Did he do enough to help himself? He tried. So did Annette. Did we have enough money to do any different? No, but I wonder at times whether that would have done more to save him. So many complications when I look at his death.
What you have to do now is try to manage your affairs to honor Annette so she doesn't see you out on the streets. At least that is the way I have had to look upon my own life now. My husband would not want me to be as lonely and devastated as I am but he would also not want me to be without some means to keep afloat while he arranges my departure. If he was alive he would be struggling right alongside of me making sure that I don't end up in worse shape than when he had to take his leave. But maybe he is living right next to me in a dimension that I cant use my five senses to communicate with. Whose to say there aren't 10 other ways we communicate. I certainly "feel" him in my heart all the time. Isn't that a way to communicate?
Try to spend some time working on what it would take to make your mind more occupied with other thoughts. If you are not working at a job right now then try to do things that reduce your weight so it might be easier to get around. It seems from what you say that is liability. If you do happen to be stuck here for awhile what would Annette ask you to do while you wait?
Trust me when I say, I hate every moment of living and yet I know my husband would want the least amount of suffering for me so I am trying to do some things ever so slowly that will help me distract from the weeping and the worst of times. And yes, it all still haunts me daily but he sends me small things periodically that seem like he is just an arms length away. Not often enough and sometimes I scratch my head and wonder but I see things in numbers and visual signals or a phone call or message from someone that I feel are loaded with his signature love.
Look for them but in the meantime try to distract yourself. It is one of the ways you will get though the hours. Not easy but remember, they do not want us to suffer.
Richard,
I don't know if there is an afterlife in which our dead spouses still exist -- but if there is, then I very much doubt that your Annette blames you for anything. If there is an afterlife, then it seems to me that those who are there are able to see more deeply and more broadly than can those of us stuck here, and therefore she knows how much you love her and how much you wish she were with you and how sorry and sad you are about what happened to her. From what you've said about the state of her health, I doubt that any other course of action on your part would have changed the outcome, but either way, I really don't think she would ever blame you, because if there is an afterlife where she is waiting for you, then she knows how you feel and how you love her.
Thank you for sharing that story. I hope our souls do exist independently of our bodies; I hope that there is an afterlife where we will be with our soulmates again. I have no faith.
751 members
15 members
9 members
29 members
17 members
93 members
324 members
140 members
39 members
80 members
15 members
62 members
43 members
49 members
12 members
© 2024 Created by Ninja. Powered by