Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Michael on January 15, 2017 at 8:44pm

Im not sure but i havent set foot in our place since my wife died three months ago - she died in the house in my arms - and im selling the place and buying another place nearby with her son and his family. Im sure the grief is not going to lessen but i cant go bsck in there.

Permalink Reply by Angela on January 15, 2017 at 10:32pm

Living with others is what I want.  I remember Ken in all sorts of places here.  Reclining on the couch, standing in the bathroom getting ready for work, sleeping in bed that I don't use now.  I am trying to get my oldest son to rent a house with me, but he wants to stay at his dad's and save his money for a down payment on a house of his own.  If he really knew how much I want to have another person with me, he would do it.  But I don't want to burden him.  

Permalink Reply by Angela on January 15, 2017 at 11:04pm

There is a rooming house down the street here.  I get very curious about what the set up looks like.  Thanks for the book recommend.  It did cross my mind to "save my slot", lol.  that's pretty realistic nowadays.  

Permalink Reply by Kevin Bailey on January 15, 2017 at 9:08pm

We lived in Ga. At the time of my wife's diagnosis and I was driving trucks, we moved back home to be around family, I was still driving trucks to try to get my wife the house of her dreams and as a reward for fighting cancer. Unfortunately I ran into my own health problems and had to get surgery and be put out of work but it gave me the opportunity to care for my wife and be there for her till the end. We were living with my parents when she left and I'm still here, last week I started looking for a place and I just started to get really sad and even more depressed because I'm so used to her input and I wanna share whatever I go with her, I haven't looked since but I have to do something cause I don't wanna stay here to much longer.

Permalink Reply by bluebird on January 15, 2017 at 9:13pm

Angela,

I don't think there's one answer that applies to everyone -- I think for some people it may help to move, whereas for some others it doesn't make a difference, and for some it's better to stay in the home where they lived with their spouse.

Permalink Reply by George H on January 15, 2017 at 9:25pm

Hi Angela I thought of moving but then I realize that you can't leave your mind behind so I decided to just make the best of what I've got a new place for me personally wouldn't change anything

Permalink Reply by pamela winmill on January 29, 2017 at 3:27pm

The thought of moving terrifies me

Permalink Reply by Elynn m on January 15, 2017 at 9:37pm

Angela (need to retype this because my computer won't let me find the comment i started.)  Anyway, Angela.   They say to wait one year before making any big decisions.  It has been one year and 4 months since Joe went to be with Jesus.   Many people asked if I was going to move, but I did not want to;  that would have been more stress, having to adjust to a new environment, aND new people.   I am thankful that I didn't move, because I can sit in our house and reflect on good memories we had here.   

We've always said that we want to get out of California. ...so I tell my friend who says, "why don't  yout move closer to sarah (my daughter)?".   I just tell her, I'll never move in california!!  I may move some day, for the present I go away for a few days (have a sister in reno).  When I get back I can still be at home and imagine I am still with Joe.  

   At any rate, don't make too big of a decision;  it might leave you alone, and that would just make you feel lonlier (just a thought).   

Permalink Reply by Oleta Cato on January 16, 2017 at 8:31am

I'm still in OUR home but it is full of HIS memories and can be a bit overwhelming at times.

Permalink Reply by Jan on January 16, 2017 at 1:57pm

I moved within 2 months of my husband's death - sold the house and everything in it.  Lived with my mother for 1 year and then in my own place in the same complex.  Not really a good idea for me because now I feel responsible for her and it's hindered my grief.  I do know I couldn't stay where I was by myself because of winter coming and the house being almost 100 yrs old about 20 miles from nearest hospital and shopping.  I don't think it changed how I felt about my loss.  In my circumstances, my choice created other difficulties on top of everything else.  I advise anyone to think it through, if they have the mindset to be able to do so.  Good luck and God Bless.

Permalink Reply by Michael on January 16, 2017 at 2:48pm

In anticipation of possibly moving I have been trying to clear my place of clutter. Today i attacked my office. Sfter several hours ive barely made a dent, throwing out stacks of papers, magazines, various crap that had piled up iver 20 years. The hardest part is that it is like throwing out my life, as well as our life together. Every now and then i cone across an old valentines day card she gave me. I dont dare look at them. If i do, i know i'll get really weird and cry.

Permalink Reply by morgan on January 16, 2017 at 4:41pm

I was forced to sell our house because the financials and upkeep would have been too prohibitive on my own.  Besides I knew right away that I was not going to be able to work at the job I had and likely would not be able to get anything else because of the grief.  

So I ended up making piles of 35 years of marriage and putting the piles in boxes and putting them in a container and storing it all.  I pretty muchsaved everything.  Sold the house and moved within 8 months.  Have since attempted residency in three places.  MN, HI and PA.  For me, maybe not for anyone else, it does not matter where I am.  My sorrow is still front and center.  Less in total hours but never far away.  

Recently all those memories tumbled out of the container after three years and four months of storage just this December.  Pretty rough day and actually rough leading up to it and afterwards.  Left that Xmas day in PA and back in MN.  Now spending inordinate amount of time doing nothing.  On computer. Eating when the urge strikes but minimally.  Lots of chocolate.  Seems to be my salve.  Otherwise keeping on the background noise, computer or TV.  No motivation to do much of anything because I don't have to right now.  Come March 1 that will change again.  Big time.

So not too different than what the early days were like just better at functioning overall but not reaching out.  Just existing.  I would say a certain kind of immense grief is now in the rear view mirror.  The kind I am experiencing now is reflective and can blindside me when it appears but it  is less often.  Debilitating in a different way but in that way immense.  

I will never get through this.  I am just tolerating the fact I exist. I could be back in HI and even with the beauty and aloha it would be without the man who lit my fire.  Who was my buffer against adversity.  Who woke me up to beauty with the caresses of caring for his little birdie.  I'll never forget the most beautiful hands and creative genius of his essence.  The fact that I was the center of his world.  How do you go from that to nothing?  You don't.  You fight the idea that you exist with every fiber of your body.  And you lose every battle so you give in by not engaging the enemy.  Your brain.  You block the body blows that originate from the brain blows. You get a little better at it as time passes.  You get numb to what creates the most obvious triggers.  You play defense.  Constantly.  You don't win all the time. You just keep pushing the mountain around and try to find the easiest path around it.

That's my game plan in how I have dealt with the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life.  I lost me to love.  Moving was just part of my own personal game plan.  It was something I had to do just like the rest of what seems to be my life now.  Forced.  Forced participation.

 

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