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Comment by morgan on November 25, 2016 at 11:33pm

Kimberly, There is nothing more you can do but what you already have.  It will have to be enough.  This isn't a test of how much... it is just how a deep connection works.  We will forever miss some of the people who have meant the world to us for the rest of our living days.  And hopefully one day that red thread will bring us together again in another time and place......We have only today, our present, the gift of our love.  You are and will be enough for her today.  Baby steps.......you will learn all about baby steps soon but try not to be too hard on yourself.  It takes away energy you need.  Its hard enough without adding to it.  Give her a hug for us.  We will be here for you like you are for her.......

Namaste,

morgan

(Namaste means " a recognition that the life force within us as individuals is the same as that within everything and everyone")

Comment by Kimberly on November 25, 2016 at 11:07pm

Morgan
Thank you. I've been trying really hard to do all I can. We even got matching tattoos! The beautiful thing about our friendship is that we just know how we feel about each other. I've told her a million times I love her, and I'm going to miss her terribly. Now is the time to show her how much she means to me, and I fear coming up short. The one thing I have peace with is she knows I love her, and will never forget her. I just want her to feel as special as possible, and God, I am so afraid of failing. She is the only person in my life who loves me unconditionally, and she's my best friend. I'm not sure how I am supposed to go on without that special bond. The pain I feel is just soul-crushing.

Comment by morgan on November 25, 2016 at 10:58pm

Kimberly,  Just let her know how much she has meant to you over the years.  You'll never regret saying it many times before she dies. Just be there for here as much and as often as you can.  It will never seem like enough but doing it now is important.  You will know afterwards you did all you could.  be blessed.....

Comment by Kimberly on November 25, 2016 at 10:39pm

Hi everyone. My name is Kim. My best friend has terminal cancer and only has a few months left. I am having a very hard time coping with losing her - we've been friends since we were 6. I'm trying to do all I can to be there for her, but this is all making me ill. It's so hard to watch her start to wind down, grow thinner, and suffer. Is there any way I can start to try to get through the pain? I feel so lost and hopeless.

Comment by Jan on November 24, 2016 at 10:38am

I want to thank all of you for your responses.  It's sounds horrible to say but knowing that there are others out there that "get" my pain is actually a comfort.  I don't and wouldn't wish this on anybody.  I heard a phrase the other day - left behind - and it so clicked with the way I feel.  The people that were most important and emotionally connected to me (as an adult) are all gone.  I do feel left behind.  What really added to it was when my youngest daughter told me that she feels that when she lost her Dad - she lost her Mom also and that she is dealing with the grief of both.  I am not the mom I should be to support her and her family the way it used to be.  I've had to walk out on family and friend gatherings because I didn't have my husband there to assure me that everything was okay.  There are so many different things that I am now responsible for that I really wasn't before and family and financial issues that I can't begin to understand but know I have to find a way to figure it out.  I can't figure out what clothes I'm going to wear each day! Just left my 90 year old mother's to talk about where she wants to go for Thanksgiving dinner - I want to stay home and could care less if I eat.  I had to leave and told her I would be back at 2:00 - started crying and couldn't stop.  She is someone I wish I could be more like.  She's had a very hard life and I don't know how she does it.  I try talking to her but end up crying or angry because I just don't feel anyone really gets it.  I get tired of the unspoken words that I know are there "get over it and move on".  Move on where?  I feel like I'm at the end of the road.  Morgan, I have the same battles with my brain that you do and keep coming back to something must be really wrong with me. But then when I think of what I've lost and how he just so completed me, my sister with the same mind and heart as me and the little brother who I used to protect and look out for - it's not my brain as much as my heart.  There are days that I feel at times like I forget to breathe because I feel so low.  I keep being told that if I get over myself and focus on helping others that I'll feel better.  When you're a person that's lived with social anxiety disorder all your life, it's not an easy thing to consider.  Enough of me today - need to find a place to take Mom to eat.  Thank you all for letting me vent - I do understand your feelings and wish I had a fix for you, but as you can see, I don't have one for myself either.  God Bless you all and if anyone finds the magic thing that makes us all better - please pass it on!

Comment by morgan on November 23, 2016 at 11:16am

Jan,

I'm so sorry.  Your pain is palpable.  I just keep wishing for all of us that there was a solution to the pain that death has visited upon us.  I wonder how it is some people get beyond the losses because I know I have had a horrible time beating this back and I'm pretty sure I hear you saying the same.  

My only coping technique is crying.  For me personally, I have figured out that it is the only thing that relives the pressure that unwittingly builds up inside and needs to pop.  It's not that I am unaware of the pressure I just never know when I am going to have to use the safety release valve (crying) to relieve it.  

Over the years I have battled with my brain.  I keep wondering how/why I cannot get beyond losing my husband.  I know how inextricably linked we were.  I know that he was the only person who truly allowed me to be who I was and still loved me for it.  What I don't understand is why my brain wont allow me to use all the positive vibes we had together and stop the pain that I feel now that he is no longer by my side.  Couldn't I be more grateful that I had 35 years with him?  Couldn't I accept that this is what I was always told life was........birth to death?  Couldn't I find a small enough part of the person I was when I was with him and implant it now into this lifeless existence?

I guess not because I have not been truly successful on the inside of me.  I appear to be getting on with life on the outside (that's a longer story) but inside I am still as completely broken if not more so than I was the day he died.  Yesterday was a nuclear reminder of how broken I still am.  Horrendous.

Your million dollar question"where can I go to get better?" is actually priceless.  I wish I had the answer to it as do many people who I have read and come here to explain how they are managing to deal with death.  I just keep wishing......wishing that I was anywhere else but sitting on top of the trap door that keeps opening and engulfing me in its sadness.  Just keep wishing.....and crying.....a pretty sad place to have to live.

morgan

Comment by Linda Engberg on November 23, 2016 at 8:51am

Jan,

I feel so bad for you, you have lost so many people your loved from this horrible disease. I lost my Husband in 2013 and this lost my sister-in-law 58 and nephew 48 to to cancer. Does this f****** disease ever stop. I just keep hoping that one morning I just won't wake up from this nightmare.

Blessings, Linda

Comment by Jan on November 23, 2016 at 8:28am

In Aug.2012 I lost my oldest sister (lifelong best friend, counselor,mom at times) to breast and ovarian cancer. I thought I was totally as low as I could go. Then, July 2013, I lost my little brother to stomach and esophagus cancer. In Oct. 2014 I lost the love of my life, true best friend, supporter thru all catastrophes and fixer of all things complicating my life - my husband of 38 years.  He had kidney, lung and bone cancer.  Two years later with numerous counselors, a week stay in the hospital and more bibles and devotionals than I can count, I still wake up every day with such a weight of pain and anguish that I just don't know where to go next. Sister was 62, brother was 56, and my husband was 64.  I am 61.  I can't imagine feeling like this the rest of my life but I can't find a cure.  Tried Grief Share also, but maybe it was the small group, but I didn't get anything from it.  Thinking about trying again.  Wake up scared and terrified every day also.  Tried medications for depression but nothing has worked.  I still reach for the phone at times to call my sister for advice or turn over in bed expecting to find my husband. The only one I've been consistently trying to turn to is our Lord, but I must be doing something wrong.  I can't feel the comfort and I just feel alone.  Haven't gone more than 1 day without crying, if that.  I try to run away from my feelings by getting in the car and driving anywhere I can think of - 40 miles for toothpaste is nothing as long as I can escape for a little while. Will it get better?  Does it get better?  There must be a purpose for all of this, but when your immediate family is also you circle of friends and then they're gone, who's left? Where can you go to get better?

Comment by dream moon JO B on November 12, 2016 at 5:14pm

we all do we all wish it wear a evil dream thn we wak up thnt evry thng s ok but we no its not coz we in deep shit coz of so mush loss or loss we all r

it duz vahng a persn ;pss loss it duz u cud say it feals lk a livin helll a hell we cnt run frm u cud say

im sory if im ramblin 2 mush i am just so mush loss so mush bad shit u cud say in way u cud say its trnd me in 2 ars hol u cud say im not persn i wz till loss haoned 2 me 2 mush loss 2 mush shit a persn can handl u cud say 

Comment by Michael Thompson on November 12, 2016 at 4:24pm

I lost my wife to cancer in 2014.  I just want somebody to tell me everything is going to be alright.

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