William(Billy) the love of my life you left us so suddenly.  I know I have your memories and we had some great ones.  As i sit here watching the cursor on my computer blink Im lost I have no words.  Billy i know I got to spend some great years with you and I do cherish them.  Your laugh was infectious with many Cajun stories to tell.  But you see on October 16th 2016 you stole half of me.

I found you the way I never hoped to see you and Cas was with me.  We had to deal with the sheriffs department and a officer from swat the questions they asked and what they needed to know was hard to answer cause you see even though you decided to use again( whatever drug it was) we still loved you.  We know you had been clean for 10 years minus your 2 slip ups (that we knew of).   They treated it as a crime scene wouldn't even let me see you or near you.  Then they needed to search your truck after searching our building.  So now not only have I lost you I get to feel violated too.  But Billy I found the text between you and them(your dealer) I called him and confronted him and of course he lied and said it was just pain pills.  Guess what I dont know much about the world of drugs but I do know the text and what was said are to different things.  These text was hell for me to read considering the context.  Im angry you are gone because you had to have a fix or whatever you call it.  Im numb and cant feel cause Im in shock and dont know how to process this and Im scared cause I dont know how to do this without you.  Chel is struggling to understand.  Cas is learning to live with the image of how she found you.  Ace the little guy that you have helped raise since he was 2 is going through a living hell cause you were his dad (since he didn't have a real one).  We are trying we talk about you often and cry often.  You see we want you to know we still love you and always will. 

Work; Oh boy was that a day you see we had a very long day Monday OCT 17.  This was a day for all your coworkers to cry for you.  We all cried.  Mr. D. was so lost and still is cause you arent here.  He trys to be strong for me but I know how he feels.  JD trys to be the tough guy but he breaks too.  J talks about you all the time and cried like crazy cause he was with you the day before.  D post to your Facebook page and is trying to follow in your foot steps and build awnings.  H is H but he didnt receive a call Sunday he heard after he got to work Monday and he lost it.  Br has been quiet for the most part he is learning to deal cause you watched him grow up.  B & L have been tough even through the tears and try to help me through each day at work.   Most all the guys have been trying to be a rock for me and dad.  Dad lost a son in law a fishing buddy.  

Then there is your 2 sons they was shocked and totally lost.  Then  E and Little B only get to hear stories and see pictures of you.  There is many other people to whom you have touched there lives.

I drive through town and I see something you built, installed, welded, or painted.  You left a mark in this town and in our hearts. 

B I love you so on Oct 19 2016 I choose to forgive you for using the stuff that took you away from us forever and in forgiving you I had to forgive the people who so choose to sell this stuff so you could and will find peace.  That was a hard moment I gave it to God to handle.  B On Friday Oct 21 I did something else I never thought I would do I spoke to your supplier/ dealer face to face and with grace i asked him how much he owed you then told him to keep the drug money I wanted no part of it.  I also told him in order for my husband to have eternal peace I had to forgive him and his suppliers.  I did this 5 days after you left me.  I didnt break. I didnt shatter. I didnt try to get revenge( and believe you me I wanted him to hurt like I did).  I may have forgiven yall but I havent forgotten the pain it caused to so many people that day.  

Everyone says get counseling, clean out your stuff dont wait to long it gets worse.  Guess what the only counseling in our town is from a workbook and videos.   I havent lost my faith in God or what he can do are that God has been beside me through this process.  I know that I myself need counseling to deal with your loss and your choice to use again.  I miss you B. I love you B.