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Comment by pamela winmill on July 26, 2016 at 8:54am

I lost my husband in April we have known each other since childhood, we were married 48 years and it is getting worse everyday, I sometimes fall asleep with the TV on in the bedroom and a few times it has been  off when I wake from a drug induced sleep.  There have been other signs but I just want him to come home i can't live without him anymore it's to painful, and as for so called friends forget it they bolt evertime they see me.so I know exactly  how your feeling and I am so sorry x

Comment by joanne on July 25, 2016 at 9:52am

Hello bluebird, in response to your question about my dream, as I've mentioned on here before I have no religious beliefs so this has always made me very skeptical about any sort of afterlife, I've always believed  its some made up thing to just make us feel better, Andy also shared this view, so this dream is very strange to me as Andy would never say such a thing when he was alive, I want to believe so much that what he said was true and that there is an afterlife,I want this so badly, I think that if this was some kind of visitation dream then I got the sense he was telling me that I will definitely see him again,just not to expect rainbows, golden gates or any of the other stuff we are told to beleive, but thats ok to me, because I don't care what form it's in or where ever it is, as long as we can be together again , so yes bluebird I think he was telling me it's a good place, just maybe not what we expect.  Xxxx

Comment by bluebird on July 24, 2016 at 5:37pm

joanne,

I feel much the same as you do.

I would like to ask you a question about your dream; if it is too painful to answer, please feel free to ignore my question. But I am wondering if your feeling in the dream was that your partner was saying the afterlife was a good place?

Comment by joanne on July 6, 2016 at 3:15pm

Morgan, I'm sorry that you have been sick, I hope you feel better soon, I can tell you loved your husband immensely and with everything you have, my heart breaks for you, for myself, for all of us, I've said before that I'm not convinced of an afterlife, but i try so hard to beleive because thats all i have to cling to, but if I am to live with this pain and heartbreak and at the end of it all there turns out to be nothing, well.. I just don't know. Much love to you Morgan xxxx p.s Ive been experiencing strange dreams of Andrew a lot lately, they seem real and vivid, in one I had a few weeks back, I walked into a room and Andy was standing there, he was not in colour but in black and white, anyway he looked at me and said"jo, there is an afterlife, but it's not what you think" and then I woke up, I know it sounds crazy and it's probably me just losing my mind, but there was something about it that got to me, anyway just wanted to share that, as crazy as it sounds xx

Comment by morgan on July 4, 2016 at 7:07pm

I just read your post and as much as what I want to be more positive, today is not that day. For me like Xmas The fourth of July is another marker day.   If my husband would not have gotten sick Xmas 2012 and died Jan 21 2013 would be celebrating our 38th wedding anniversary today.  Plus I've been sick since Saturday and no one has checked in on me for days mainly because I just relocated 1000 miles to rehab an old home and I just got internet where I am on Saturday evening so I have been totally out of communication for three weeks.  I have had to drive two miles down the road and sit in parking lots to get online.  

But all of this would have been unnecessary if my husband were still alive.  As I have moved through the years of this sorrow I tried convincing myself that as the shock wore off and I got a bit better in functioning that somehow the actual pain, the feelings, would somehow become lessened to the point where living could be at least tolerable.  I was wrong.

Nothing about this is tolerable.  It is nothing but hurt piled on pain on top of extreme  loneliness.  Nancy Reagan said about grief "it almost gets worse" and I believe that as time passes I miss my husband even more.  It has become a different type of reflection of my loss.  I simply cannot see the passage of time as delivering anything more than just more profound pain.  Not as often but just as searing if not more so.

SOrry I cannot offer much more other than to agree with you.  No one outside people who have lost their spouse can understand the depth of the impact it leaves on the spouse left behind.  Particularly where a couple were such a tight unit.  Ours was a love story and there is just nothing I can do to let that love go.  I'll never be whole again.  Not until I am reunited with my love.