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At 12:41am on July 2, 2016, Tildyc said…
I apologize for the double post.
At 12:40am on July 2, 2016, Tildyc said…
Hi Morgan. I haven't posted for a long while. I am so lost. I'm still existing in this life I do not want. Each moment is still heavy and pointless. There really are no words to describe the darkness of every movement, action, task, thought.....

I'm still crying myself to sleep, when I wake and at any moment throughout the useless days that I endure. I still ask him where did he go? I repeat the words "please come back" countless times each day. My mind does not let me rest. I've truly gone crazy. I walk around our house muttering and crying and pleading. There is NO joy or happiness in my life. And I know this is how it will be until my last breath.

I apologize for this depressing update. But I cannot stop how I feel. I've tried to "get over it" because this is no way to live. I wish it would all just stop.
Hi Morgan. I haven't posted for a long while. I am so lost. I'm still existing in this life I do not want. Each moment is still heavy and pointless. There really are no words to describe the darkness of every movement, action, task, thought.....

I'm still crying myself to sleep, when I wake and at any moment throughout the useless days that I endure. I still ask him where did he go? I repeat the words "please come back" countless times each day. My mind does not let me rest. I've truly gone crazy. I walk around our house muttering and crying and pleading. There is NO joy or happiness in my life. And I know this is how it will be until my last breath.

I apologize for this depressing update. But I cannot stop how I feel. I've tried to "get over it" because this is no way to live. I wish it would all just stop.
At 11:54am on June 3, 2016, Steve F said…

Morgan,

Don't know where in this world you live so I don't know if the midnight date-mark on your e-mail means it was sent late at night. I have always been a late-night person and cannot fall asleep since losing my spouse until about 3:00 AM. I fall asleep each night crying and knowing that I will awake, once again, in the AM totally alone.

I will try to follow your advice to ignore the bastards of the world who seek to do me harm. We have enough on our plates with grieving to bother with their nastiness. Still must question if most people are so inherently evil that they will go out of their way to actively hurt us and why.

I envy that you knew your spouse since the 2nd grade. I did not meet mine until I was 23 1/2 but we had 53 years of great happiness together and I am grateful for that. Never knew of hatred or animosity when my beloved was alive. Perhaps I was blinded by love and did not see what really existed. I despair of the devisiveness and animosity that now pervades our current politics. I came of age in the days of "Camelot"; the JFK years of the 60's when there was great hope for a golden future. And my love and I enjoyed many golden years together. We had a city apartment and country home and in retirement we spent time in both as the mood struck us.

So I am appreciative of the many years of joy we had and am reassured that I will someday, once, again, be by my beloved's side. Our spouses now only exist in our memories and when we are gone, they too will totally disappear from this world. But our spirits will be eternally rejoined.

Stay strong...

Steve

At 10:49am on June 2, 2016, Steve F said…

You're insightful in your analysis of  people. But it's not easy to ignore them. When my love was alive I never faced such deceit and can't fathom why it is happening now that he is gone.  I look for some logic for their actions and cannot find any. Why has all this surfaced at this very late point in my life? What is there that instigates such nastiness?

My nephew and godson said he'll no longer drive me to my beloved’s cemetery and that my love will be “glad he no longer has to listen to me whine about my loss” at his grave site. What provokes such hate as to cause my nephew to judge our relationship and determine what my love would think?

Friends have determined that I, of a different faith than my beloved, did not provide a proper Roman Catholic Wake and Funeral Mass or bury him in a consecrated Catholic cemetery. My love and I entrusted our livesw and eternal souls to each other and long-ago after founding we were abandoned by our religions. Who are they to preach what is proper in where and how we are to be buried?

An elderly widow I befriended when her husband and my spouse both briefly shared a hospital room for Leukemia shortly before her husband of of 60 years passed away irrationally and suddenly told me I was a hateful person and shuns me.  Until this we had so much in common and became fast friends; going to theatre, museums and films. What instigated this?

Steve

 

At 7:35pm on May 31, 2016, Steve F said…

Hi Morgan,

"You have been catapulted into a different universe now.   You only will try to participate in the old one but you no longer "live" there.  I constantly have to try and tell myself my lover is still with me and as hard as that is it is all I've got.  Other than that I just manage the days."

You have captured the essence of my grief and loneliness in those very concise and poetic lines. No one has come even close to understanding what I am going through, except you, after a wonderful lifetime with my first and only love of 53 years. I thank you for your insight.

But the loss of my spouse is not my only problem. I also face  cruel abandonment by family and supposed friends; the latter of which have publicly chastised me on an Internet blog for not providing my spouse the Wake and Mass of Mother Church which they deem proper. So they shun me, and sit in judgment of me in spite of the fact that I arranged for the graveside burial in a non-denominational cemetery my spouse and I jointly and specifically selected shortly before his passing. It resolved a whole series of legal, social and religious issues. It is where where we will rest, for eternity, side by side. My love had entrusted me with his life and eternal soul, as I did with him, and no one has the right to question that. Their hatred is like a cancer which will ultimately consume them.

Thank you agin for you underastanding, Steve

At 6:33am on April 3, 2016, Debs said…

Thanks very much for your comment Morgan...it means a lot to me. Debs Xx

At 5:09am on February 9, 2016, Michael Thompson said…

Hi Morgan, I relate to everything you say.  Would you like to read two articles I wrote to my local papers about grief, and a tribute to my latte wife ?

If you do, please give me your email address and I will attach them for you.

Regards

Michael UK

At 2:22am on January 30, 2016, rachel_micele said…

Hey morgan, I was reading through the main room chat and saw your comment of, "I said at the beginning that when he died society took my arms and legs, made me blind and then told me to go to the supermarket." Like Jay, I like that too.

At 2:06pm on January 10, 2016, Stephen said…

Thanks for contacting me Morgan. It's good to know there is a place to share this part of the journey of life that we're all experiencing. It's only been a week since my honey passed, and we had a great loving bond. So what I'm experiencing is that if I put my attention on how much love we shared, that along with my sobbing a lot of gratitude arises for how much she gave me. She loved me unconditionally and kept supporting me through all of my life's challenges ... and her love is still with me and is giving me so much support through THIS challenge. I don't hold back my tears. I miss her dearly. Sitting and watching TV next to her empty chair is so sad. Coming home to an empty house. So I cry when I need to. A LOT. But I'm finding that crying is making me stronger, and when I feel that lump of sadness coming up I just go with it.

But I'm committed to getting stronger and learning to enjoy life. I know that's what she would want for me if she could speak. All through her illness she was more concerned for MY suffering ... watching and caring for her. It was a gift of her love.

I realize that it's only been a week, and that perhaps much has not "hit me yet". But from where I am, the way to healing for me is allowing my feelings to come up but not to get stuck in them. Something like "I'm really sad and lonely, but I'm going to get stronger."

My wish is that everyone be able to really feel their deepest feelings and let them come up, and cry, and then go on living. Feeling my feelings makes me stronger, and I can feel my sweetie cheering me on.

At 11:30pm on January 9, 2016, Glennda Wright said…

Thank you so much I really do appreciate your message and kind words! I'm sorry for your loss as well.

At 10:28pm on December 29, 2015, Rebekah said…

Hi Morgan,

I just now saw your post on my page.  I agree, this site, while most of the time I may just read the comments and rarely comment has been very helpful to make me not feel like I have completely gone crazy. It's nice to be able to be completely honest and not have anyone judge you for the thoughts that go through our mind, and how awful we are feeling.

Thank you for your kind words, and for reaching out.

Rebekah

At 5:28pm on December 25, 2015, KendraBenson said…
Morgan,

Thank you so much for reaching out to me. I am so blown away that you could feel my pain without even knowing me. I have not really participated or even been able to read stories of other people's experiences on the site yet. I have just been so scared of confronting the loss of my husband. I have been preoccupied with helping my daughter get through these trials. She is now away at a treatment center and I am feeling what I was so scared of feeling for the past year. I have tried everything possible to distract myself from feeling this pain as I was scared it would kill me. Although I feel dead inside I must keep going and pretend to be strong for my daughter. I haven't been able to talk about his death with anyone for the past year because each time, I start to cry and I have been scared to go there. Now that Mikayla is away and I am alone the floodgates are starting to open up for me. He passed away a year ago today.It hurts so much and I don't know how to get through this.I have just been going through the motions to get through each day.
Anyhow I haven't read your story yet but from the little bit I learned from your comment I know that today is rough for you too. It hurts me to know that anyone has to feel this kind of pain, especially today. I can see that you have so much to give from what you have been through and can't tell you how much it meant to me when I received your message. Maybe since I haven't been able to talk about it this is the way for me to start going through the grieving process instead of around it. Thank you so much! I don't know you but I'm thinking about you and pray you are able to have some peace today. -Kendra
At 5:17am on November 29, 2015, Sara Schwartztrauber said…

Morgan

I could have signed my name to your post. It is the exact same words that would have come from my heart. I lost my Jim on April 1st, 2015 after being with him for 38 years. Most days I still find it hard to breathe. We not only lived together, we worked together, so I feel his loss everywhere. I am so dreading Christmas coming. I don't know who I am without him. I have spent every Christmas with him since I was 19 years old. He really was a good man. The woman that I had speak at his service said that she had heard many people describe their lost love ones as being "larger than life", but with my Jim, it was the first time that she believed it. When you are with a person like he was, there are so many people that he knew and that thought the world of him, it's hard to go anywhere without a reminder of him. Not that I could ever or would ever forget him, he was my everything. Unlike a lot of people that speak here, I am blessed to have two kids that are there for me everyday, but I hate having them see me so sad. I will miss him forever.

At 6:59am on November 26, 2015, Rj said…
Morgan, your words express how i feel on a daily basis. How i miss my old life as well. This new life is hell without my son. Once strong, loving and livng life to this awful place. Zombie type of living, going thru the motions with no emotions...
At 7:49am on November 22, 2015, Lauri Richards said…

Thank you.  Its good to find somewhere to share where I know I can be honest about the turmoil I feel without feeling like I'm the only one.  

At 9:09am on November 21, 2015, Hilary Christene said…

Me, too, Mel. This is the only place where words make any sense to me.

At 5:35am on November 19, 2015, Mel Royer said…

Thank you Morgan....I told a friend of mine that they had finally chiseled Nancy's death date in to our headstone. Next to hers is my name without(of course) a death date. I laughed and said that's because I'm immortal. I was kidding of course but how I wish there was a date there, the same date as Nancy's. Then, this never ending searing pain would be over. I'm finding the balm that soothes me these days is not in the support of local friends but more in this group with people like you who understand exactly what's happening. Who experience it on a daily basis and who's comforting words always make the difference in a dark days passage. I believe that without this site and the people who belong to it, I would be in some facility somewhere looking at a cement wall and blubbering out gibberish. So, I will continue my vigil, looking for signs of my Nancy, praying to God for release and relying on the kindness and empathy I find in this God blessed group. Thank you again, Morgan. and may God bring you and all of us the peace we so desperately need in our journey through grief.

At 9:21pm on October 28, 2015, Trina Mamoon said…

Dear morgan,

Sorry I didn't see this very kind and thoughtful post from you until now. Since you wrote to me on 4th August, I was traveling and was too overwhelmed to have checked my email, and hence this fell through the cracks, until today which is very significant. You wrote to console me on the first anniversary of Joseph's death and tomorrow is my birthday. I am feeling extremely down since a couple of days ago, so reading your message made me feel that there is someone out there who really understands and who cares. Thank you for reaching out and for trying to bring me comfort. 

Joseph's memorial service in a state park in Ithaca was deeply moving and very meaningful. Everyone present at the gathering felt Joseph's presence when the tall trees overhead started to rustle gently in the breeze just as his father spoke the first opening words. We were all under the impression of the solemn ceremony for a long time. And we continued later at a restaurant, reminiscing about Joseph and telling stories and jokes about him. It was truly memorable.

As I write these lines, I have tears in my eyes as it will be another tough day  tomorrow (tougher than usual) as I face my birthday a second time without my Joseph. The only question that I can ask is when will it be my turn. I can't go on living like this forever and forever. You know how it feels.

I send you good thoughts and wishes for peace as you read this message. Thank you again for your moral and emotional support. I appreciate it!

At 11:50pm on October 26, 2015, Libbie H said…

Hi Morgan,  thank you for the supporting, kind words. So sorry you lost your cat also... Sorry for response delay, had family visit, trip to see my Dads grave. Had not been back since funeral 15 years ago.  Ticking off my bucket list.  Coming up on one year since I lost my husband. Wondering why I am here....at our home...thought  my brain and heart would be better.  Reliving his death day in dreams and mind 24/7... wish I could breath!   Thank you again...,,

At 8:37am on October 22, 2015, Shemica G said…

Morgan, Thank you so much for your kind words and welcome. I too wish I didnt have to be here but I felt like maybe I needed some support from other people who have lost a spouse.  Its hard but I keep going. I just want to disappear. I dont even want to live this life anymore..... 

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