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Lost My Spouse...

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Latest Activity: Oct 5, 2022

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Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 6 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Martha Washburn Sep 22, 2022.

Loss of spouse… 3 Replies

For 40+ years we were together…married 39 years….We were to celebrate our 40th anniversary…Nobody who hasn’t been married, and lost a spouse could possibly understand….even though he was into many…Continue

Started by Susan B. Last reply by Connie Sep 1, 2022.

Today is the anniversary of my wedding day 2 Replies

I got married on May 1, 1992 and lost my husband on June 30, 2017. My wedding day was the happiest day of my life and if I had one wish, it would be to go back and live that day over. It has been…Continue

Started by Carol Klotz. Last reply by Carol Klotz May 3, 2020.

Lost my light in the darkness 2 Replies

I lost my wife on the 25 of March after returning from my Dads funeral. She is everything to me. No matter how bad it got, no matter how much my PTSD drug me down, She has been my light in the…Continue

Started by Shane Hughes. Last reply by Shane Hughes Apr 16, 2020.

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Comment by Denise Lavoie on June 26, 2016 at 6:47pm

Hi,This week has been rough.My best friend died 6-16-16.With my  husband being gone since April 4th and my best friend passed away this is just to much.It is like walking around with a broken heart.I miss them so much.It is more than I can handle.I am getting a lot of memories of both my husband and my friend.She was like a mother to me.We had a lot of fun.

Comment by bluebird on June 26, 2016 at 3:07pm

I agree -- what Morgan and Mary have typed is very true for me as well. Especially the last sentence of your post, morgan (although I actually have my husband's ashes, but the meaning is the same):  "I buried him.  And when I did I buried myself."

Comment by Chum on June 26, 2016 at 12:29pm
Morgan and Mary...
What you have written here represents exactly the bleakness of our ongoing experience. Morgan: your comment above is elegant and perfect.
Comment by Mary on June 26, 2016 at 11:57am
Morgan I'm so sorry for your pain. I feel the same. Life is "lifeless" now without my husband. I hAve to keep doing things for my kids but their is no joy, no wanting to do anything. It's a chore just having to make meals, something I enjoyed doing. I find it hard to get out of bed, the mornings seem to be the hardest. My beautiful Neil is not next to me when I wake up, or has said good morning if he got up before me. The realization of starting a new day without him pains me and anxiety sets in. I wish there was something we could all do that would help take the pain away....
Comment by morgan on June 26, 2016 at 10:47am

I’m not getting any less angry.  In fact, I think the feeling of knowing that he has gone silent has really gotten me to a point of utter defeat.  I realize I can’t do anything about it.  I think, before now, as much as what I knew what his dying meant I kept thinking there would be some way or something that would relieve the stress of constantly trying to figure out how I might manage this emptiness.  Now I know there is nothing I am able to do that will ever change the silence.  No answers will be provided that will help me reconcile in my head the reason for him to be gone.  Dead is dead.  Silence.  Nothing.  Emptiness.  No ability or capacity to change it.  No fixes. No answers.  All I get is periodic what-I-think-are-signs that I hang all my desperateness on for some supposed sort of connection with him.  I keep pushing myself forward every day doing more than I used to but finding absolutely no reason to continue doing so and the pain from that realization of doing anything that doesn’t include him is driving me insane.  I keep pushing towards distraction when distraction and the thought of doing these distracting things without him is killing me. 

Just wrting this and knowing this is where I am has brought me to tears once again.  Today in the Home Depot parking lot, more tears.  Today (the 25th) would have been his 67th birthday.  I simply do not know how to stop crying.  It isn’t as frequent, it isn’t as primal, it’s just a simple cry of unending pain. 

I buried him.  And when I did I buried myself. 

Comment by Chum on June 24, 2016 at 2:11am
So many comments resonate. Stewart, Morgan, Charlie, Bluebird, and others. Morgan, your comment (I'm paraphrasing) of no where to go, but all the time in the world, to go there'......this is what I keep stumbling over. I'll be doing okayish, proud of myself for not being a complete wreck at this moment in time, when I realize I'm pretty much doing something because I've pushed myself out the door, have all the time in the world to do it, and try to keep faking it enough to get home and feel like I got out of the house at least, yet it's all a fools errand. I know common thought says this is what I should be doing but mostly I just think why? Mostly, I just want to collect up the dogs and all go back to bed. I often wonder just how long I could stay in bed if I didn't have birds and dogs to feed. I think I could manage a long long time.
Comment by Charlie on June 23, 2016 at 10:08pm

Stewart, I can't begin to say how really glad that I didn't.  I'm still struggling with the reminders and triggers, but at the same time I'm so very happy to be home where we shared so many wonderful times.

Comment by stewart p on June 23, 2016 at 9:12pm

charlie, Sounds like you were ready to go but you didnt.  Are you glad you didnt?

Comment by morgan on June 23, 2016 at 3:41pm

I am so angry right now.  I cannot believe I was left behind to have to deal with reconstructing a life.  I don’t want any part of this but I am unable to take my own life.  To have to keep pushing myself to do things because I breathe. It is so unfair.  I hate every single second of this. 

 

I should be happy right?  They just delivered my refrigerator so now I can keep things cold .  I want to figure out why I hate this so much.  It just keeps getting worse in so many ways. 

 

I can’t get the thoughts of him out of my head.  I can’t get him out of my head.  He is lodged there forever but the thoughts are killing me.  I can’t function like this.  I can’t keep limping from crying episode to crying episode.  I have a life between episodes  but instead of living during that time I am simply moving from episode to episode not living the interim. 

 

Yesterday I spent some time at Walmart using the scooter to go up and down aisles recording prices of food as I will need to do a buy here soon to stock up.  I made it to about the tenth aisle in frozen foods and a song came on the radio that triggered an epsiode.  It was caused by my knowing I would never have done something that would have taken that amount of time unless I had time to kill (because I do) and by the time I got to that point all I could think about was what a waste of a life I have because I don’t have anywhere to go, no one who cares where I am and that sent me into a spin.  No one really cares where I am.  Just like my brother dying alone.  No one to love him.

 

I cannot stand not being loved but I only want him.  That’s what matters.  It wouldn’t mattter if everyone showed me they cared, it wouldn’t be him.  All I wanted was him.  NO one else matters.   Even the lovely young gal who consoled me in the frozen foods aisle.  Why would it be her to stop and care ?  She knew how I felt because her boyfriend of seven years committed suicide.  Yes, of all people to stop it was her.  Was it a sign?  She was 24 he was 29.  They had sold their home here in Western PA and moved to San Diego.  They had gone to Tijuana.  He told her how much he loved her and she went to go wash her hands (or something silly as she said) and he jumped out the window.  No nothing.  No warning.  Just jumped. 

 

Why?  How?  And the devastation of death.  What the fuck are we supposed to do with it? Three years five months into this and I am trying so damn hard and nothing seems to make a difference.

Comment by Charlie on June 23, 2016 at 3:16pm

Stewart, I know EXACTLY what you're talking about!  I imagine like me, you probably feel a wonderful memory that immediately turns to pain at the thought that you will never experience that particular activity again. NEVER!!!

As far as moving goes, this area was so painful that I too thought that moving away was the thing to do.  Within 2 week of losing Laurie, I had looked at an over 55 community about 80 miles away.  I made two exploratory visits, and on the second one I put down a deposit and took home the lease to review.  As I said, that was on the second Friday after losing my dear sweet Dreamgirl.  I arranged for a mover for the following Friday, and of course had to wait until Monday to set up the utilities, cable, etc.  I called the cable company and left a message for a callback.  After calling them, I walked around the house for about a half-hour non-stop.  I talked with Laurie about it.  I didn't hear from her directly, but my talking to her clarified that what I was doing would be a big mistake.  My support system (brother Bob and daughter Tricia) were going along with my moving because they knew I believed that it would help ease my pain.  But when I told them that I changed my mind, they were both so relieved.  

Anyway, Stewart, you asked if anyone else could relate, and as you can see, I'm raising my hand.  I wish you nothing but the best. 

 

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