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Comment by Robin on June 6, 2016 at 6:13am

Right now Morgan I can relate to how you feel I know that with it only being not even three weeks I am in the early stages but I know I will never be the same person and the guilt of what I had become the last few years kills me, we had fallen into thatroutine that couples sometimes do of just being so used to being together, I had turned into such an angry person, I was always complaining about money, or him not helping, he had bipore disorder, about 3 years ago lumps started appearing on his body his lymph nodes swollen he never went to the doctors, they were getting worse, he was more tired and losing his appetite my answer go to doctor but never thinking or accepting just how bad it was, I was still complaining about money,I could neverunderstand why he seemed so lost in life and didn't like holidays,why he slept on his father's birthday his father died when he was 13, I would think it was so long ago how could it affect him, well now I do and forever will, my husband loved me with every breath of his body, I can never say I am sorry or make anything up to him, I have to live with this for the rest of my life, a life that seems so empty and alone missing a man who loved me more than life itself, I picture a world that I don't want without him.

Comment by morgan on June 5, 2016 at 5:04pm

 

I don't even know what to write anymore.  I see new people joining the site and as much as I want to reach out to each of you I don't have the energy nor the words to provide the kind of comfort we are all seeking.  In fact, I continue to struggle with trying to find a way for myself.

 

I don't want to discourage others from finding their way as we all know everyone's way of handling the grief is different.  I can only speak to how it has affected me.  But after this passage of time so far (three years, four months,two weeks and one day) I am still so lost.  I have done and still do all the things suggested but no matter what I just don't want to live.  I am waiting to die and every day all I can do is think how I would welcome news of cancer or when my heart skips around a bit hope it is an imminent attack.  Anything to get me out of living this purposeless existence.

Do I function? Yes, ofcourse, much better than I did for almost the first two years. Time allows  certain space to remember how to go to the grocey store without being pinned against a corner bawling my eyes out.   But am I alive?  No.  I can't take any criticism. Why?  I think it is because if I have done something to offend someone I can't imagine I did it with a  mean or nasty purpose in mind because I recognize what hurt is.  I know what hurt does to a person so why would I want to hurt someone else.  I am just not revengeful.  I am angry at times but more at my own circumstances and how I feel so forced to have to participate.  Not at anyone else.

So why does the universe have it in for me?  I am ready and willing to give up my spot so someone else might live.  Why pick someone who doesn't want to go?  If there is some divine purpose to all this then the decider has mush for brains.  Sorry, but I just cannot defend any kind of order of suffering for sins or any other kind of mysterious creator who would deign to create such pain.  

For me I have learned a lot in three years plus of grieving.  I could have writen a lot of what you say has transpired in your journey Stewart. But, and here it is, the big but, no matter how many steps I take, no matter what I do, no matter how much I cry the love I had is dead in this world and that flesh and blood was my lifeline.  There is no acceptance that comes from knowing I am alive and my beloved is dead (to this world).  I balance myself precariously on threads that throw me a rope and drag me along all the while pretending I can live on that.  That acceptance of his death somehow is the key to wanting to live.  It hasn’t been that way for me. 

 

I want to be dead.  More and more everyday.  It doesn’t matter whether I would have had 20 more years with him or 20 less.  Age is just a structure we give time.  This man, my husband was no saint, nor am I, but he was the man who loved me.  The best of me reflected in his eyes.  What I saw as living…..life…….love.

 

And somehow I am supposed to endure the loss of that?  I don’t know how.. …I simply don’t have the capacity. 

Comment by stewart p on June 3, 2016 at 3:23pm

In a few days my 3 yr anniversary will be here since my wife of 23 years passed away and I'm not sure how I expect I will feel as it approaches like we all know these feelings ebb and flow each day, but today I feel pretty good.  I'm going to out on a limb here and share a little bit with what has worked for me so far over the past 3 years so depending on how I feel next week I might read this and remind myself there is hope looking forward.  

During that first year I sulked daily with distress and despair kept company only by my sadness.  I watched hundreds of repeat episodes mindlessly on Netflix programs and played solitaire just to try to escape the lonliness and longing I felt continually.   I dreaded even the most simple tasks like going to the grocery store, the mailbox or seeing any one outside.  I did force myself reluctantly to attend a bi-weekly bereavement group that entire year which did help if for no other reason than to know I was not alone and have someone, anyone to speak with who could knew what it was like to feel what I was feeling.

I would spend countless hours filling volumes of journals I wrote nearly twenty 80 page notebooks.  In those journals I reflected on our lives together, where we went wrong, what had gone right, and of course plenty of would, should and could ofs.  I began seeing a counselor as well not for grief, but because I felt so lost, alone and unsure of what direction life would now go.  Before hand, my wife and I use to talk about everything and now I had no one to bounce any ideas off of for input as I once had before, so counseling helped in this area.  After all kids still needed to be taken care of, decisions had to be made and a good counselor will simply offer you a chance to hear yourself think out loud and reflect back to you what you already know, but its nice when its not only 4 walls to talk to.

 I felt so lost as if I was then drowning in this sea of life as everyone else's life around me seemed to simply move along while mine was destroyed.  Feelings of fear, uncertainty and anxiety accompanied me daily forcing me to prefer remaining at home most of the time when I could and avoiding others.  Even driving in traffic caused bouts of distress at times as if others where watching me or looking at me.  All this was extraordinary for me as I had always been a fairly sociable and engaging person before.   

Comment by stewart p on June 3, 2016 at 3:23pm

Another bit of wisdom gained from a group meeting was the idea to allocate 30 minutes each day to remember my wife, preferably in the evening so as not to interrupt the entire day, which is profound in itself.  During this 30 minutes you can look at pictures, write a letter or whatever but then that's it.  While not perfect I tried as best as I could to follow this recommendation.  I still went for bike rides etc and I kept pushing myself to step out and push further each day and I learned that on those days I failed to do so successfully to take it easy and simply allow myself the time.  It took practice over and over but by the beginning of the 3rd year I found myself beginning to take action. 

 I enrolled in school part time, began interviewing for new ideas for work, painted the house, replaced a few items and bought a new used car.  I took longer bike rides and on Saturday nights I have myself a date night, by myself.  I make myself go out to somewhere I haven't been before and just hang out for a while and talk to people around.  I did try going on a couple of dates but for me I didn't like it and decided that going solo was more suitable for me. 

I got a dog, I go for hikes, I ride my bike, I get out and explore this beautiful world we live in, I plant flowers, I raise two sons, go to church, meet new people and thank God each morning for this wonderful life despite all the hurt.  And as this third year comes to a close and Imp able to reflect on these past 12 months a few things stand out to me.   First, Imp very blessed indeed to have what I have had and have.  I recently read a book by Victor Frankl who survived the concentration camps in WWII, founder of Logo Therapy and a psychiatrist/neurosurgeon by training, and realize none of us have any guarantees in this life and neither should we ever expect we do.  To believe otherwise is rooted in American idealism and leads to depression, despair and maybe even worse.  The only thing we do control is how we choose to act or respond to events outside of us.  A couple of notable psychiatrists Albert Ellis and Aaron Beck teach we are able to effect our emotions by changing our behaviors first.  Many speakers like Tony Robbins talk about this all the time as well.  The hard part is changing the behaviors, taking those first steps.  So year 2 I spent trying to reflect and figure out what those steps might be for me. 

Comment by stewart p on June 3, 2016 at 3:22pm

Another bit of wisdom gained from a group meeting was the idea to allocate 30 minutes each day to remember my wife, preferably in the evening so as not to interrupt the entire day, which is profound in itself.  During this 30 minutes you can look at pictures, write a letter or whatever but then that's it.  While not perfect I tried as best as I could to follow this recommendation.  I still went for bike rides etc and I kept pushing myself to step out and push further each day and I learned that on those days I failed to do so successfully to take it easy and simply allow myself the time.  It took practice over and over but by the beginning of the 3rd year I found myself beginning to take action. 

 I enrolled in school part time, began interviewing for new ideas for work, painted the house, replaced a few items and bought a new used car.  I took longer bike rides and on Saturday nights I have myself a date night, by myself.  I make myself go out to somewhere I haven't been before and just hang out for a while and talk to people around.  I did try going on a couple of dates but for me I didn't like it and decided that going solo was more suitable for me. 

I got a dog, I go for hikes, I ride my bike, I get out and explore this beautiful world we live in, I plant flowers, I raise two sons, go to church, meet new people and thank God each morning for this wonderful life despite all the hurt.  And as this third year comes to a close and Imp able to reflect on these past 12 months a few things stand out to me.   First, Imp very blessed indeed to have what I have had and have.  I recently read a book by Victor Frankl who survived the concentration camps in WWII, founder of Logo Therapy and a psychiatrist/neurosurgeon by training, and realize none of us have any guarantees in this life and neither should we ever expect we do.  To believe otherwise is rooted in American idealism and leads to depression, despair and maybe even worse.  The only thing we do control is how we choose to act or respond to events outside of us.  A couple of notable psychiatrists Albert Ellis and Aaron Beck teach we are able to effect our emotions by changing our behaviors first.  Many speakers like Tony Robbins talk about this all the time as well.  The hard part is changing the behaviors, taking those first steps.  So year 2 I spent trying to reflect and figure out what those steps might be for me. 

Comment by stewart p on June 3, 2016 at 3:22pm

Then finally the 3rd year I actually began taking steps as small of some of them were, and many times it took repeated attempts at even some of the simplest things.  I returned to school, began interviewing for a new career, bought a new/used car, took a trip, got a dog, painted the house, moved just a few more things around the house, began going to church regularly, and began participating in things that are of interest to me.  And on the days where before I might of awoke and felt sorry for myself and not gone to some scheduled event, I went anyway, well most of the time and you know what, it was ok, because I always got to return home later and then could miss my wife, but it was no longer keeping me from going to start with. 

And as this 3rd year closes, yes I miss and think of her every day, its not a matter of thinking of her less or more but rather accepting that the pain from the loss has simply become part of who I am today.

Today I spend less time crying about my wife than I do rejoicing in the lives we shared and what it has done to bring me to this point. Now others around me today face calamity they see me as a calm and comforting presence in the midst of their tragedy.  As Frankl suggests, it is not what we do for ourselves but what we can do for others that gives life meaning.  The New Testament goes further and tells us that which we do for others we do unto ourselves. 

Comment by Chum on June 2, 2016 at 2:48am

You will likely come to an acceptance of his lies as time goes by.  After my husband died, while sorting through our joint finances I discovered a huge discrepancy that I had no idea about going back 7 years.  It made a difference to my financial security for the next few years.  I went through anger, but more than anything was angry not at the money issue but that he left it for me to find out after he died.  I hate that instead of dealing with the grief and loss I was left dealing with this complication that colored my grieving process.  At 11.5 months I have come to a place where I'm in complete acceptance and forgiveness.  I want to remember him telling me how much he loved me, not anything else.  Hopefully this peace will come to you too.  Cheers.

Comment by joanne on June 1, 2016 at 5:35pm

I'm obsessing over songs from ghost the musical, its like they were written for me, for the way I'm feeling, the song WITH YOU ,gets me the most , the lyricals i keep listening to over and over include ..."you never leave my mind, so much of you is left behind, you took my days with you, took my nights with you, those unfinshed conversations we had still speak to me, and I write you letters everyday, that I'll never send and you'll never see, all this wishful thinking gets me no where I can't stay, though my heart is broken, it keeps breaking everyday, you took my heart with you took my dreams with you, I keep keep thinkin that you'll be calling and everyone says it's all in my head, and I can't accept it yet, I'm not ready to just give in, I know that I can't live in this pain, with all these feelings of regret, I can't comprehend this, and pretend that I don't care, any place I wanna be, I want to see you there, you took my life with you , took my world with you". I guess I'm having a bad night tonight and this song helps me in some bizarre way.

Comment by Robin on June 1, 2016 at 5:33am

Woke up this morning to the same feeling of waking up then numbing because I realized my husband was no longer here,nights and mornings are my worst times, for the most part my days are what is my new OK of breathing and only going through the motions I feel for anyone who has lost someone for this is a never ending pain, I remember when my grandfather died my grandmother became a very angry person now I realize why, but that scares me I know I have along way to go since it has only been two weeks but I don't want to be that person who hates the world, I find myself looking at older couples now thinking how lucky they are that was supposed to be us, but my soulmate is gone and I am 46 and have so many years to go on without him though he is always running through my mind it is a never ending cylce of thoughts of him and I also think about how lucky I was to even have found my soulmate some never I can relate to so many people's posts, I feel so guilty we had fallen in a rut the last 4 years of just being so used to being around the person,and assuming the other person still knew how truly loved they were, when he passed no one was by his side,I left that morning without even a goodbye, it eats me up now because I took his presents for granted I can not find it in me to take off my ring,a neighbor came over and said to me how are you doing I said surviving they said to me oh glad to see your in better spirits it made me so angry,I was like my husband has been gone for two weeks how do you think I am the first week and a half was nothing but tears I am just getting to the numbness stage,I can get through most of my day without crying it comes and goes as it will forever, my son told me last night how it was a beautiful night out last night and I said nothing is beautiful anymore but I don't want that I want to find beauty in life I know it will take me awhile to get there but I want to be able to share things in my heart and mind with my husband about his children and be able to smile, you see to be his body is gone but his soul lives on, I hope everyone has a good day at least what their good day is now.

Comment by Dee Smith on June 1, 2016 at 1:48am

Be gentle with yourself. What your husband did or didn't do or say is immaterial now.  It is so soon and I guess from the care you gave 24/7 that you are a pretty self-less person.  And who cares about a non-traditional funeral.  I held an open-house at my home a year after my husband died.  Do things your way- you have earned the right!

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