Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Kathleen Schettler on March 27, 2016 at 2:16pm

Hi Deborah,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I unfortunately have no answers and I honestly think there isn't a person alive who does.  We can relate on many levels but this type of loss is so uniquely individual. I lost my husband of 23 years suddenly right before Christmas.  My entire world collapsed at that point.  Ever since that moment I have run the gamut of every possible emotion.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't ask WHY? Why him? Why now? WHY WHY WHY?????? and at the same time I say I cannot do this!!! How am I supposed to survive this?  I agree with you its not fair.  Its not fair that everyday is like an eternity without him.  I beg him everyday to just please come home, I cannot do this without you.  Please talk to me I just need to hear your voice. Sadly I get nothing not even a dream.  I am happy to be an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. 

Permalink Reply by Deborah Bailey on March 27, 2016 at 3:04pm

Hi Kathleen,
I am sorry about your loss too. I cry to him every night asking him to explain why. I blame myself should i have seen something but it happened so quickly my youngest son was with me and he tried everything. My husbands dad went the same way but he was a little bit older. We have a business in a marina, so this weekend everyone was here enjoying their boats. I couldn't stay and watch everyone enjoying themselves.My three children are doing their best but nothing seems to help. How are you coping?

Permalink Reply by Kathleen Schettler on March 27, 2016 at 4:40pm

Thank you so much.  I am so sorry for your son that is such an awful thing.  I am right there with you. I blame myself for every missed opportunity that could have detected an issue with his heart. My husband had no family history of heart disease he did however have seizures and asthma but ultimately passed away from an aortic dissection/massive strokes.  We were frequent flyers in the emergency room. I wonder everyday would he still be here if I had just done X.  One year prior almost to the day of his death I had a massive heart attack.  I never imagined he would have a heart attack but I now wish I would have had him checked out by my cardiologist just as a precaution.  I could kill myself every time I think about it. I wasn't with my husband when this happened.  My husband had just been transferred for work back to our hometown it was such an exciting time for our family. We had so many plans.  My husband and my son would go up first it would be easier for just the two of them to be in a hotel.  I would stay here with my daughter, daughter-in-law and grandchildren until we found a house.  They had finally found a townhouse they got the keys on Tuesday but weren't going to move in until Friday.  Saturday morning my husband called my son from the living room telling him something was wrong.  I was at our local Christmas parade with my grandchildren and my son sent me a text something was wrong with Dad they were on the way to the hospital.  I assumed another seizure.  Then he called me and said the nurse wants to talk to you.  She said you need to get here ASAP he may not make he is on his way to a trauma hospital he needs heart surgery that can't be done here. I was like WHAT?? WHAT do you mean??? I was 700 miles away. I never got to talk to him again. My son became so angry and depressed that he and his wife have separated but still working on things. My daughter is doing well she has great support in college.  He died without a will. I am just crazy and angry and sad.  I have no idea how to cope I don't understand what the point of all this.  Everyone says it happened for a reason.  I have to assume then the reason is for me to be tortured for the rest of my life. I cannot ever see myself with someone else. How do you find another soulmate?

Permalink Reply by Deborah Bailey on March 28, 2016 at 4:44pm

Hi Kathleen,
It sounds like you and your children had an awful time. The trouble is all the plans that you and I had made with our husbands, what do we do now I can't imagine ever going anywhere again without him. My daughter says everything happens for a reason but even she cannot understand why he was taken. Like you say it's going to be torture for the rest of our lives. You only have one true soulmate.

Permalink Reply by Mel Royer on March 27, 2016 at 2:47pm

Hello Deborah...My most sincere condolences on your loss. I am coming up on the one year anniversary of my Nancy's passing and it is rough.  Still, as many here will tell you, you will carry on. You will because of everything your husband meant and still means to you. Love never ceases and so you carry that with you, not as a memory but a very real part of your life. In this way, you will always feel him near you and it eases the pain as you move through your journey. This most unfair yet inevitable part of life that steals our soul mate from us but that can never steal what they still mean to us. The wonderful memories are the gifts he leaves you. Please take care of yourself and look to the future. I was married to Nancy for 24 wonderful years even though she had a major stroke, she hung on until last April (3 years) and remembering her fighting spirit helps me through the dark nights that will come and go. I will think of you Mel

Permalink Reply by bluebird on March 27, 2016 at 2:53pm

Deborah,

I am sorry for your loss. I can't tell you any way to cope with it, because I can't cope with my own loss (my husband died 3.5 years ago).  My days are much like yours. I agree that life is unfair. At least it's good that you found this website, as many of the people here can somewhat understand your pain (of course it's different for each person, but many here are in somewhat similar circumstances).

Permalink Reply by Deborah Bailey on March 28, 2016 at 4:29pm

Hi bluebird,
I am sorry for your loss. After talking to a few people on this site and reading what they are going through you realise that you are not the only one having problems dealing with it.it does help a little talking to people going through the most painful heartache I have ever had. I lost my brother when I was 14, my dad when when I was 22 which was heartbreaking but this is beyond that.

Permalink Reply by Deborah Bailey on March 28, 2016 at 4:19pm

Hi Carole,
I am so sorry for your loss and the circumstances it has left you in. I appreciate all of your kind words and hope things turn out well for you. I have a dog, a little jack Russell he to has been grieving. He has only just starting playing again. Going back to work has helped and my youngest son works with me. He has been my inspiration with dealing with customers he has been really strong but I know when he gets home he falls to pieces you can tell by his eyes in the morning.i have found every one I have spoken to on this site actually understands what each other is going through. We are both going to do our best because we know that's what he would have wanted. Thank you

Permalink Reply by stewart p on April 7, 2016 at 8:53am

Well said exactly, the numbness, the pain and eventually then the reality of what life will look like moving forward.  Whats up next in store or do I even want to know?

Permalink Reply by Jan on May 29, 2016 at 5:52pm

Brilliant, thank you!

Permalink Reply by gary ferguson on June 12, 2016 at 9:48pm

I just want to say, your words and advice were beautiful...they hit home for me

Thank you

Gary

Permalink Reply by Deborah Bailey on March 28, 2016 at 3:04am

Hello Peggy
Thank you so much for your reply it helps to know you don't have to go through all of it on your own.I went to stay with my husbands aunt Friday & Saturday she has been through this twice, once when she was 40 and again when she was 63 she is now 88. She seemed so strong when we went to see her but like she said its when you are left alone. She can't understand why she is still here but Andy my husband was taken at 52.love to you Deborah

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