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At 5:16pm on April 7, 2018, Taylah B said…

Thank you Fran for responding to me! I find it so difficult still, and to have someone understand what I am going through truly helps. 

I’m sure you did all you could and we both did enough!

At 5:03pm on January 22, 2018, Marjorie Willcox said…

It sucks losing your life long partner!

At 4:43pm on January 22, 2018, Marjorie Willcox said…

Thankyou Fran again. I still find shopping difficult making decisions and can't be bothered to cook for myself relying on ready meals mainly. I compare myself to everyone & feel lacking watching everyone else appearing capable. EVen the widows at my singing group all appear to have coped with their loss while I struggle every day even after 17 months. That's low self esteem.i can't believe I I'm 71 because I feel like a helpless child!

At 10:56am on January 22, 2018, Marjorie Willcox said…

Thankyou Fran for hearing my plea and responding. I was married to my husband for 44 yrs and knew him for 50. How can you have a loving partner for so long and be O.K when you lose them? I was 0.K for 3 months then crashed spectacularly and was hospitalised with psychosis for 2 months. It's been 17 months now and I'm still on medication. I dread waking up to the loss every morning. I have 3 grown up sons who think I am doing O.K but I'm not really. I don't think I'll ever reach a new normal. The widows I meet all seem to be doing O.K

At 3:41pm on July 29, 2017, Linda Engberg said…

I prayed to God to let her walk again, After 4 days she is up on her feet again, thanks to my prayers and wonderful Vet, I think if I lose her my life is over. Thanks for caring

At 3:08pm on April 17, 2017, Bonnie Gould said…

Thank you Fran. I am trying to find something worth holding on to and not just giving up. There are moments when I dissolve in tears and don't want to continue to exist. Then there are moments when I realize that I hold in my hand the life that my husband so treasured. He fought hard because he wanted his life back from the very first moment that the brain tumor was diagnosed. It took his ability to balance and walk, most of his sight, and some of his reasoning - all at once. All of the physical therapists had to try to hold him back from working so hard to be able to stand and to take a few steps.  I really don't want to go on into a future without him. I don't want to throw away any part of the life he and I both loved and wanted back. Just like him, I want my life back. Neither of us will have gotten our heart's desire.

At 8:53am on March 23, 2017, cin po said…

Hi Fran,

I am forced to do all of these things as quick as I can because I have to go back to work soon. I am trying to finish all of the paperwork. I was forced to do things quickly even though I am so emotionally distraught. My world stopped when my partner passed away but they won't stop for me so I have to catch up with them. My work is a contract work and it will be ending this July if they will not renew it. So I have to start applying for jobs as early as now so I will have a backup. 

At 9:59am on March 20, 2017, cin po said…
Hi Fran,

Thank you. I am sorry your husband lost to this awful disease. I hate the hospitals now. I hate the idea of anyone going through chemo and radio when the outcome will still be the same as not having a treatment.

I really try not to go to the dark places where my thoughts lead me to. I feel sad looking at photos of older women because that is going to me in the future, only without my partner. Oh how I miss him. I will try to live a life where he will be proud of me. I will try to keep in touch with people who mattered the most to him. He will always be in my heart until the day I die. I never thought I would be ths type of person who says cliche things like this but my partner was my everything.

I finally managed to finish calling all the companies that needed to be informed of my partner's passing today. There's more that needs to be done but I will do things slowly.
At 7:36pm on November 12, 2016, Pamela philipp said…
Hi Fran this is Pam philipp you commented on my page my husband also had a neck surgery before he was diagnosed and they never found anything until they found the throat cancer first about a year after the neck surgery he started complaining about a sore throat so I made him go to the doctor they said it was the stage 2 then they wanted to send him for a pet scan and that's when they found the second cancer in his lungs liver bladder spine and that cancer was a totally separate and different cancer from the throat cancer they had no idea he had it and the secondary cancer was stage four terminal Two months after his diagnosis he was gone it's been almost 14 months and every day I am more lost unfortunately I don't have the family or friends hanging around and being here they all said they would but of course they all lied I guess we just have to deal with it but I really don't know how I hope you have a good support system this website is a good outlet because the people here all do really understand how you feel I hope you have a blessed day thank you for your response it helps
At 11:01pm on June 20, 2016, Sara Schwartztrauber said…

Fran

I wanted to check in and see how you are doing. I think I've been hiding from the truth, that my Jim is gone, and he isn't coming back. It's been about 15 months, but sometimes it seems like it was yesterday and sometimes it feels like he' been gone 100 years. I decided that I didn't want to sit in the house and cry all summer like I did last year, so I've begun to work on planting flowers, which I've never done, and just making a nice back yard that I could hang out in. I had a brick patio put in, bought all of the cool furniture for on it, and I've yet to even go out there and sit. I just don't really want to do anything without him.

How have you been getting along?

At 8:29pm on May 4, 2016, Susan P said…

Fran, I'm sorry for your loss.  Thank you for the advise.  I have to be fair to my family and friends, they have been there for me, I just can't seem to be honest when people ask me how i am.  I remember how Steve lived his last year, finding the good in life and counting his blessings.  That is how i know he would want me to carry on, it just gets overwhelming sometimes.  I'm glad I found this forum to be able to express my feelings.  

At 2:12am on April 13, 2016, Cydney Oliver said…

Keep a pole or two. You never know when a day of fishing might bring some solace. I have just sat there with a pole in my hand, no bait on the hook, just to be closer to the man he was. It helped a little, then I had to go because it hurt. But I will keep trying, it is a way to be close to him.

At 7:39pm on April 4, 2016, Rosanne Wick said…

I feel like a very large part of me is gone.  It's just so hard to fill the void where he use to be.  I miss him holding my hand and saying, " I love you babydoll."  We were together 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365 days a year!  We couldn't stand to be apart and we did everything together.  I miss not hearing his voice.

At 7:11pm on April 4, 2016, Rosanne Wick said…

I know what you mean about feeling sucked dry!  I feel like I don't have anything left.

I was married to my first husband for 42 years.  I'd like to say it was wonderful, but it wasn't.  He was an alcoholic and workoholic and golfoholic.  I put up with it for 42 years.  Then he told me he had cancer.  It was stage IV.  I took care of him until the end.  I know he loved me in his own way.  

When I met my second husband, we only knew each other for 3 weeks when we got married.  He was a widower and I was a widow.  It was love at first sight.  He was an absolutely wonderful man!  We were so happy.  We were together for only 14 months.  We found out just before Christmas that he had cancer again.  Ten years before, he had one complete kidney and a third of his other kidney removed because of cancer.  Thankfully they had gotten all of the cancer.  But then he got colon cancer and it had spread to his liver and was starting in his lungs.  He got the flu from me in March and died on March 13th from pneumonia and RSV.  We tried dialysis, but his kidney couldn't handle it.  He passed away very quickly.  I've lost my soulmate and a giant piece of my heart.  I don't know how I'll make!

At 12:12am on March 22, 2016, Cydney Oliver said…

It's funny. My response to everyone that tells me God must of needed him is "I wasn't done with him yet" If I had a nickle....

Plodding on is an accurate description. My version of what a "good" day has changed dramatically and is continuing to evolve. Stuck in the sadness phase, a little anger occasionally, but mostly incredibly lonely and sad. 

Maybe, with your background, check into volunteering somewhere. I work in LTC and the activities department is always looking for help with bingo, painting fingernails, putting together puzzles. Start simple and don't over-commit until something speaks to you. I miss fishing. Every time I think I can try, the memories overwhelm me and I sit there just holding my pole. Waiting for him to holler about he beat me out by catching the first fish of the day (every now and then it was vice versa). I'm scared I won't ever be able to enjoy that again.

At 4:22am on March 21, 2016, Cydney Oliver said…

Fran,

I think it must be too soon on this journey because I am prepared to stand firm that the gaping hole is permanent. Don't understand, on a daily basis, how I am supposed to get up every day, be productive, AND be without him. It is to much to bear right now.

At 11:03pm on February 8, 2016, morgan said…

Kathleen,

I've wondered many times where you went.  So glad you have come back on.  

Much of what you write was like my experience when my husband was dying.  Only by looking back on it now can I understand what was happening at the time. 

Our beloved is facing an end.  The end of everything they knew as their reality.  And they have no  way to reverse what is going to happen.  NO options.  NO  do-overs.  Everything they have been and done is all they were allowed.  I think that brings them to a place where they may regret some of the things they did do and some they didn't do.  And now they have no time left to do differently. It's a terrifically compromising position to be in.

And at the same time they don't want to feel as though they are abandoning the one person in their lives who were their central focus.  Their love.  Us.  I know my husband felt torn that he was going to have to leave me behind and he wanted to fight to live but he saw it slowly slipping away.  He didn't want to leave me behind but he had no choice.  It's hell not having a choice.  They are trapped in a living hell before they die. Very unfair for them.  Equally unfair for us once they die.

He loves you. You know that.  You just want to be reassured because he is going to be leaving you soon enough and you don't know how you are going to survive without him.  He doesn't have the energy now.  He is moving to another place and it is very tiring.  

You just need to know he loves you.  You need to tell him how much you love him and not expect much back.  He does love you, he is just very tired.  He is dying.  He is having to transition.  It is a very heavy burden.  Please understand it has nothing to do with not loving you.  Don't press him if you can help it.  It is not you he is unhappy with.  He is sad.  He is coming to an end.  

Plus the drugs….the drugs are changing his demeanor.  I am assuming he is on opiates.  They will play havoc with his brain.  It is a brain changer.  You need to just be there for him in the most loving way you can.  You will never feel guilt if you do that now.  Just love him.  Make it easy for him to travel on to the next dimension.  

My husband had some really crazy personality changes but looking back I now see it had nothing to do with me other than he was so sad to be leaving me.  I remember massaging my husbands legs for about 45 minutes the night before he died.  I'll never forget that.  I just wanted to touch him and I couldn't touch him elsewhere.  I think he was ok with it although there was not a lot of talking towards the end as he didnt have the energy.  I tried to do what I thought he would be ok with but I also remember trying to get him to walk thinking it was going to help him stay alive and now I realize I was pushing him.  He simply didn't have anything left.  I was so busy thinking we were going to give him more time I forgot that this was a terminal condition.  

Try to just love.  Try harder when it gets you down.  You won't regret coming from a  place of love.  

Sending you lots of stardust……..

morgan 

At 12:37pm on February 8, 2016, kathleen akin said…

I think some comments have been going to my junk email. Then one pops up and I see it and realize there are more I didn't see.

Well anyway, I'm still hanging in here. My panic is mostly not there, but will creep up some times. Sometimes I wish it were over with already. He doesn't seem to happy with me anymore. If I press him and ask if he still loves me he will say "of course" but I don't believe him anymore. That leaves me wondering what to do with myself and wanting things to end. Just end. I guess this is all normal? I don't know. Thank you for you kind words and thoughts Fran. 

At 12:27pm on February 8, 2016, kathleen akin said…

Hi Fran. I guess I have been off this place for a bit. I've just sunk into a depression that keeps me from doing much of anything I don't have to do. Rocky is deteriorating in a way that is especially hard right now. His personality is changing. He's not the patient, loving, understanding husband I always knew. Plus he gets confused and out of sorts pretty often. I don't know what to do with him. It bothers me, makes me mad, makes me sad. He's already leaving me. I guess this is all normal for people who are dying slowly enough to go through changes.

How are you doing? Is it getting any easier?

At 4:09am on November 21, 2015, Sara Schwartztrauber said…

Hi Fran

I had to be off for awhile, my thoughts just weren't good for anyone. I hope you are still here, among those that understand.

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