Comment

Comment by morgan on May 12, 2016 at 8:02pm

Linda,  I am happy for you that you are not having to grieve like me as I would not wish this kind of suffering I have been enduring for three years plus on anyone.  But I am grieving heavily as are many others on this site.  The reason being I lost the most important person in my entire life and I cannot do the things I used to do. I just cannot and I have tried mightily.

 

I did everything with him.  24/7.  We built a history together and I had only 27 days after 35 years together to think about what might happen when he was diagnosed with terminal Stage 4 cancer.

 

Because he died I have no desire to rewrite a new history because I just don’t need more history and I grieve because the time I had with him was not enough and I don’t want more time with others or by myself.  As far as I am concerned I was cheated by the universe.  When my husband died I died with him.  The greater part of me was tied into him.  I cannot separate myself from him.

 

I can barely get through days without wanting to FEEL the very essence of his spirit that no longer infuses me.  His flesh and blood was the only thing that made this life worthwhile.  I need to wail, I am grieving.  I lost the most important person in my entire life.  I need to withdraw from the commotion of the world as it does nothing more than remind me that I no longer have the most important person in my life to share the ups and downs with.  My husband has died.  I can no longer connect or contact him.  He was the only person who got me.  I miss him more than life itself.

 

I'm not sure how you are coping as well as you seem to be and I am glad for you for many of us who come to this website we come to express how hard it is to manage our grief not that we have already found ways to do so.  If we had found ways to cope we wouldn’t need to be here. We come here for empathy. For many of us it takes a lot more time and some of us will never find a way to change our lives.

We are glad you have, but expressing how easy it seems for you by the way you write, it doesn’t comport with what seems to be hell for most of us.  It is interpreted as our being deficient while trying to manage the grief of the memories we had with our loved one.  Personally I hope you can find a new life beyond your husbands death as nothing about this seems like life to me anymore.

Thank you.

Comment by joanne on May 12, 2016 at 5:13pm

First of all, each to there own , we all have our own opinions and deal with things differently and thats our right and no one shoud tell us otherwise, but im sorry , but this is my opinion, I'm really offended by some of the comments I've just read, Andy died 10 months ago, and yes I cry everyday , not infront of others, but to myself , my heart has been utterly shattered , but that doesn't make me or others like me as you put it 'wailing widow' just because you can not understand 'us long term mourning folk' doesn't mean it's right for you use the wording you have, I get that its  only been a short time since you have lost your husband, but I feel a little sensitivity on this site is needed, and I really can't see how widowhood is an 'adventure' ,I'm pretty shocked at these comments, you say your grief is private and not for public display , yet you are talking about dating after a month, can you honestly say you we not after a reaction to your posts, if you honestly feel this way and are happy then good for you, I am not attacking you , but once again in My opinion some of your comments are in bad taste!

Comment by stewart p on May 11, 2016 at 11:45pm

Linda, sounds like your dealing with things just the way you need to,what ever works for each of us is what is right regardless of what anyone else will tell us. Im much miore comfortable at home too.  Its been like that for 3 years now, Ive become somewhat a recluse you might say.  However I do want to get out more and Im finding that its bit of a challenge, not because I dont want to but the comfort of staying at home has become somewhat of a habit, so now I find myself sort of struggling or having to work on getting out.  Im not ready to spend the rest of my life just sitting at home, but for the first couple of years it was what i wanted, what I needed and worked for me.  I still sleep on my side of the bed, actually more in the middle these day just because I like a lot of room though the first year or two I did stay pretty much on "my side" of the bed. I think writing is a great idea if it helps.  I filled nearly a couple dozen notebooks by now, though most of what i journal or write about these days has more to do with what I want to do, or at least think I do.  Thats where Im a little hung up right now, Ive set some wonderful goals and ideas down on paper that sound great at night, but when the day comes along Im not sure why I want to or start thinking how it doesnt matter much to me. I know that has alot to do with having lost my wife, because I miss her and wish she was here to share with, but it might also have a little bit to do with having stayed at home so much those first few years.  Im not really sure what that is all about right now, its very confusing and so I just keep journaling/writing about it.  What do i want to do and for what purpose? Then I have to keep the same motivation up in the morning to actually follow through and that's often when things just fall apart.  I guess thats just normal and it takes what it takes including whatever time it takes, at least that's what I keep telling myself for now.    As for others and how they may or may not respond, someone told me a while ago to take all in stride, realize most people are very uncomfortable with death, don't really know what to say other than the cliches they may have heard before, but trust they more than likely do feel for you and only mean the best

Comment by O.L. Cato on May 11, 2016 at 4:19pm

Denise

I gave away much of my husband's clothes.  There is a part of my brain that says he will be  angry when he comes home and many of his beautiful clothes are gone.  I did save some special things.  He was a clothes' horse.  Did I tell him how handsome he looked? How I loved the way he dressed?  I was so proud to be next to him but did I tell him? I can't remember.  Not a day went by without him giving me a compliment.  Or without him saying that I was his girl, he loved me, etc.  Did I do as much?  I can't remember. Did he know how much I loved him?  Oh God I hope so.

I read an article that says the brain does not die until 30 seconds after the heart stops beating.  What did I say?  I can't recall, I think I was dumbfounded and just stood there in shock.  Best I can recall is, "is he gone?"  I would like him to have heard how he was my life and the best thing that ever happened to me.  I pray God has taken him by the hand.

Comment by Denise Lavoie on May 11, 2016 at 3:37pm

Today I got my husbands clothes ready to be  given for the veterans. He severed in Austria in the early 50s. He was a military policeman.I know he would be happy about that. The Hospice group that we worked with  told me to pick out some  of his favorite shirts and bring them to the office. The volunteers will make a bear out of them.I thought that was very nice, I can't wait to get it I have been sleeping on my husband's side of the bed and I am able to listen to his music he made for me. I am so grateful for all of that, I wasn't sure I would be able to do that. One minute at a time Denise.

Comment by Julie on May 11, 2016 at 12:04pm

Linda D
I am new to this group and I am at the point where my husband is in hospice care awaiting his final few days. I understand what you were saying about grieving during this time but the anxiety of the unknown and how I will deal with his death is difficult. I hope I can have the attitude that you have shared. I know I will miss him terribly and the hurt and emptiness will be torture. But I really feel in my gut that I will be ok and that I will try to live my life the way he wanted and the way God expects us to and be grateful for all of the blessings that we have had together. I know that he will be in Heavan and that someday we will be together again. I hurt for our children losing their father and my focus is on them and our grandson. This may all change when he actually is gone but I would like to hear more from you and how you persevere with your positive outlook.

Comment by Dail on May 11, 2016 at 11:10am

It's day 73 since I lost my wife. I woke up Sunday morning to find that she had unexpectedly passed away from a heart attack during the night. She was my highschool sweetheart, wife of 20 years, mother of my 3 children, my best and only friend. Shannon was only 38 and I find it hard to type her name without shedding tears. I'm 39 and have spent more than half my life with her and don't know who I am without her. She made me a better person. I truly believe that my life didn't begin until she said she loved me. I find myself pretending to participate in life. I can't let my boys know I'm upset. My family lives far away so I'm all the support my babies have. The closest thing to a friend is one of my clients at work. I couldn't even tell you who our neighbors are because we recently moved. I'm alone and find my self crying while driving down the highway. The best I can do is to paint on a smile and pretend to live.

Comment by O.L. Cato on May 3, 2016 at 2:11pm

Steve. 

I just read your letter.  You said what I am not eloquent enough to say.....

"I wish you the best of luck and send to you my respect and support.  We here are all part of this messed up club that no one ever wants to be a part of - I have come to believe that no one who has not lost their spouse can even begin to fathom what this is like, and they are the only ones who can even come close to understanding what I am going through."

The words won't come.  There is no one to talk too and we have to talk.  Even my children don't want to hear me talk about their father.  Remembering him.

I always thought we would go together. 

Lonely.....that doesn't cover it. I miss him more than I thought possible.

Comment by Steve Suehiro on May 3, 2016 at 11:16am

Titi, I understand not wanting to pretend that everything is ok and how you feel uninterested in speaking with others about anything other than your loss.  Of course everyone processes and deals with their grief in different ways, and no two losses are the same - each situation is unique and the way one person copes may not work for someone else.

For me, pretending to be OK was all I could do to prevent myself from becoming completely overwhelmed with grief.  I came to detest my time off from work when I would be alone with my thoughts.  I would incessantly think about whether I said "I love you" enough, and whether things would have been different and whether she would have not have accidentally overdosed had I done something differently.  I struggled with a fair amount of feelings of guilt and failure on top of my loss.  I came to realize that if I was a religious true believer in the afterlife, I would have opted to do something drastic to end my own life and join her. 

I had made a conscious decision at some point that I would need to carry on as best as I could as a matter of respect in honor of my wife's accidental death.   Knowing her personality, I realized that she would feel so badly about causing me or anyone sadness, and that she would instead want me to be well and as happy as possible.  I can say that trying to live without her and becoming accustomed to this new life was the most difficult thing I have ever been through in my life.  It took a lot of counseling and work for me to survive this dark time in my life.  Even though it did take a long while, at some point I realized that things were becoming easier- perhaps it was a matter of me becoming used to not having her as the center or my universe, or perhaps it was a matter of time allowing me to gain a better and more clear perspective about myself and my own life.

I wish you the best of luck and send to you my respect and support.  We here are all part of this messed up club that no one ever wants to be a part of - I have come to believe that no one who has not lost their spouse can even begin to fathom what this is like, and they are the only ones who can even come close to understanding what I am going through. 

Comment by stewart p on May 2, 2016 at 4:56pm

Titi, Your daughter might simply ready to talk about it not because she is insensitive, but children process these things often differently than adults.  I found it helpful when I needed to talk to someone going to a bi weekly bereavement was quite helpful because obviously that was what we were all there to talk about.  Suprisingly I discovered that kids often prefer to talk with other kids about these things more than they do with us, at the same time I have made it a point to still refer to my wife's things that are in our house or remembering things she would do and say and mention them occasionally to sort of measure how my kids responded and to get an idea if they were getting stuck or working through it at their own pace.  We have to expect it will be difficult for them and depending on their age they may take much longer than we like but that is for them to decide and not us to judge.  I got advice that there were groups kids could go to as well as us adults, and I briefly mentioned it to my kids but they didn't seem to want to go, not yet at least and that is ok. 

What I challenged with today is I have to go get some medical work done and it really sucks because i know have to come home alone.  My wife use to always be there and we would take care of each other from something as simple as getting an extra pillow to going to the pharmacy and now I have to do it all alone.  I'm a grown man and I hate to say it but Im scared and lonely and I just wish my wife was there to hold my hand or look in my eyes and smile.  Many of you are right about one thing we all seem to share at one point another and that is the emptiness we feel as we each dredge through the day.

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