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Comment by Tildyc on March 27, 2016 at 2:13am

Hello Morgan and Trina- and all my beloved kindred. I received your messages. I truly appreciate that you dear souls reached out to me. I've been exsisting and nothing more. I do come back to our group quite frequently and see how All you are coping or not coping. But for some reason I have lost my ability to do ANYTHING anymore. It's all become too difficult and overwhelming. I am quitting my job. I've not walked my dogs for months. I haven't spoke with family or friends and I desperately avoid all gatherings and crowds. My Life holds no meaning anymore- not when there is no Mark in it. I have lost my will to live. I knew from the very moment when I looked into his once warm and loving eyes to only see that horrifying emptiness... that my life from that moment on is thoroughly useless and devoid of any true happiness.. I no longer have the energy to Continue. All I am capable of now is crying and isolating myself. Everyday is Groundhog Day for me. The horrific compulsive flashbacks that still are so vivid and clear- The blood, the confusion, the fear in his frighten voice. The Disemboweling realization that he is fucking dead. The rush of the ache that burned in all my joints and stomach that took away my ability to breath and my grasp on reality.

All I want is out. To be allowed Togo to him. To escape this endless unrelenting pain.

And these are the thoughts I live with every single day. The memories that literally hold me hostage at every moment.
Now this has exhausted me- I'm sure you all can understand my lack of hope and energy. I have ran out of words to try and express my hopelessness and pain.

I feel as if I have said all that i can.and I'm at a standstill- imprisoned until the day I mercifully die and go seek him out. I truly am at such a loss.

Comment by Joseph on March 26, 2016 at 7:00am

This is my first post.  I lost my partner of 34 years to lung cancer about two weeks ago.  This photo is of Jerry and he was the light of my life and a wonderment to all who knew him.  When he passed my happily ever after went with him.  In addition losing my heart I will also lose my home.  I have always been confident and brave and optimistic.  Now those are just words.  On top of the wrenching grief is terror like I couldn't imagine.  Jerry's journey here is complete. He is gone and no longer in pain, thank God.  I mourn his loss but grieve for me and others like me.  I am the cruel victim of death and like so many others only count this as a good day as I am one day closer to joining him on the other side.  Please God let it be soon.  I am sorry that any of us are here but thanks for sharing your stories. 

Comment by Sad and Depressed on March 25, 2016 at 9:33pm

Good day all,
I lost my husbandof 18 years 6 weeks ago and I am struggling to come to grips with it. It was sudden in a fatal car crash that left us all shattered and wondering if it was a horrible dream that we would wake up from but haven't yet. I am almost afraid to write this because of how close and loved everyone here has spoken about their spouse that passed and before his death I would have said the same thing but since his death so much has come to light that I do not know what is real and what is truth. Several woman have come out and said they were having a relationship with my husband and I don't understand when these relationships would have taken place and he is not here to say yes or no and I don't understand why they would wait until now to say these things. 

What I am most confused about is why I am still hurting and wishing he was still here. With all that has come to light I still miss him and I still wish he was here with me. I don't know how to be single, I have never had to be we were together since jr high school. I feel like there is a hole in me and no one sees it. That the world is still moving and don't realize that I am at a standstill. That I have to take it one second, one minute, one hour at a time. I hate going to family events like theme parks because I look at complete families and hurt because my family will never be complete again. We use to do all kinds of family things together and now it feels strange to do them without him. 

I haven't changed anything or gotten rid of any of his things. I washed up his dirty clothes and put them away like he was coming back to use them. I have not been able to sleep in our room since the date of the accident and I sometimes just go and sit hoping to feel his presence and I don't. Our house has a different feel to it, it is like the essence of it has left. There is a new, different quiet that we are having a hard time adjusting to. 

I try to be strong for my little ones but not a day goes by that I don't cry several times. Usually it is at the times when he use to call or send me a text at work. Now my phone is silent and I find myself still checking for my text or call only to realize it will never happen again.

I am struggling and I need help. 

Comment by O.L. Cato on March 20, 2016 at 9:21am

Today is my husband's birthday.  Today marks 12 weeks since he has been gone.  I love you John with all of my heart.  Happy Birthday Sweetheart.

Comment by Robin Quinn on March 20, 2016 at 9:06am

Two months ago today, I lost my husband, it still seems unreal.  I still can't figure out what I'm doing.  I'm so lost.  The hurt just continues and there's no relief.  I know he's with me in spirit, but I can't hold him or touch him.  Just waiting until I'm with him again.

Comment by bluebird on March 18, 2016 at 2:29pm

O.L. Cato,
i have been doing just that since my husband died over three years ago. hasn't worked yet.

Comment by O.L. Cato on March 18, 2016 at 2:22pm

I don't know how much longer I can take this.  I wonder if a person can just will themselves to die.

Comment by O.L. Cato on March 17, 2016 at 6:49am

Donna,

Loss of our loved ones is Hell.  My darling has been gone almost 12 weeks and I cry my heart out daily.  My children told me I had cried long enough.  What do they know!

I can't bear the thought of never seeing him or hearing his voice.  There are no words.  I was with him in the ER when he passed.  He had COPD and was hit by a massive heart attack.  He fainted and never regained consciousness.  He died such a peaceful death and I am glad for that.  I have heard death from COPD is usually very bad.  He looked like he was sleeping.

He didn't know I was there...I hope somehow he did.  I pray for him daily and ask him why he didn't take me with him.

Like you, he was my security, my everything.

Don't be embarrassed to cry.  I am, sure I will cry for my beloved for the rest of my life.

God bless us all.

Comment by Linda Engberg on March 17, 2016 at 6:23am

Hi Donna,

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband.

Don't ever be embarrassed to cry, I still do even after losing my Husband three years ago. 

Comment by bluebird on March 16, 2016 at 6:49pm

Donna,

I'm sorry you are in this hell as well.

There's no reason for you to be embarrassed at crying all the time -- my husband died 3.5 years ago, and I still cry a lot, and always will.

I hope you will find this website helpful -- at the very least, you don't need to censor your feelings here, you can be honest about how you feel.

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