Still don't know what the fuck to do ...

Yesterday I didn't shower. Didn't even bother getting out of my pajamas. Realizing Friday what day that was a year ago seemed to open the wound. I wasn't expecting that. Wasn't even thinking that would be a trigger. It made me remember how everything was finally coming into reach. Something I've wanted all my life. Something Gary and I had been fighting so hard for.

I saw a picture yesterday from what looked like handful of years ago of one of my exes and his wife on her FB page. She was posting it for an anniversary. That was enough to send me down the black hole. Him and I recently got back in touch and I learned he's had multiple heart attacks due to one artery that continues to plug up. He's gotten second chances. Why the fuck couldn't Gary have gotten even one chance? What a crock!

I hate this existence. What I'm living is no quality of life. Reading a post on another grief site yesterday I thought "how lucky" of those who passed. I've been thinking more about my own death and how I'd want it to go. No, I don't want something drawn out and miserable but I don't know that I'd want sudden either. I think I'd want to know it's coming. I don't know. I think I'd want the opportunity to prepare things here. I recall Gary telling me in passing during a conversation what he'd want. I don't remember why it came up. He sure got his wish.

I am scared of my death in the physical. I'm scared of dying alone. I'm scared to die and have time go by before anyone finds my physical body. I'm scared of what would happen to my animal(s). But then I'm scared to die in a super public, awkward place. I'm sure I'm getting way ahead of myself but I don't feel well a lot and have isolated dramatically from societal "normals", dramatically from "friends". At no fault of people I can't deal with naive. I can't deal with stupid, pointless conversation. That's 95% of people. 90% of TV. I don't understand how to reengage. I'm never going to be the person I was before. I feel forever, traumatically, distortionally scarred. I understand a physical body doesn't last forever - people die. It happens. The world health organization has cardiovascular diseases as the #1 killer since at least 2000. But like I've said before, tell that to my heart when it all happened and was over in mere minutes, without any true warning or notice, and no second chance. And with him went every fucking someday we talked about, was planning for, that was all coming into reach. That's not fucking fair for a moment. I still want to torment and torture a slow, brutal death to life for what it has robbed me.   

I can't say if I would of taken my own life right after Gary's passing. I couldn't get past my cat and what to do with her. She's my child. I don't know if I could do it now - for one my cat is still here so I'm still in that same boat as before - but it wouldn't be because I want to be here. Because I feel any purpose in being here. Any enjoyment. Any meaning. I really don't know what it would be for. 

I still have him, I know that. He is still with me and has assured me he will be until and even at my own death. His signs and my experiences of him have been remarkable. I can't begin to thank him enough. I feel like the doubt is just not there. I'm not scared of dying in the spiritual. But how do I live in the physical when I am dead. To be grateful to be alive, what the fuck for?? I didn't come back from a death bed. I went to one. And now I have a life sentence of it.

I have seen the faintest spark of renew in an old interest but it's not enough. I still don't know what the fuck to do.

Views: 256

Comment

You need to be a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community to add comments!

Join Online Grief Support - A Social Community

Comment by rachel_micele on February 12, 2016 at 12:21am

Thanks bluebird - I'm sorry for your hell too. I have yet to experience any "waves" of good and bad as people describe. "shitty much of the time, with waves of even worse horror sometimes" - I can understand what you mean.

Comment by bluebird on February 11, 2016 at 10:04pm
I'm sorry you've been having a particularly hard time the past week or so. That seems to be how it goes, I've noticed -- shitty much of the time, with waves of even worse horror sometimes. That's how it is for me, anyway.
Comment by rachel_micele on February 11, 2016 at 8:05pm

Thanks for your comment bluebird. I've been having an absolutely horrible time since last Friday. The blindsided trigger twisted the knife.

Comment by bluebird on February 9, 2016 at 9:55pm

Our lives/situations are SO similar.  My husband also died of an unexpected, massive heart attack, much too young (he was only in his very early 40s).  I isolate myself, I shower maybe once or twice a week, I hate life and long for death, I am pissed off at people who get another chance when my beloved did not, I can't stand stupid conversations. I am not at all grateful to be alive, not anymore. I haven't yet killed myself, though I very well might some day, but I haven't mostly because our cat needs me and I love him (also because I love my family and they love me).

Unlike you, however, I do not have faith in an afterlife. I don't say it doesn't exist, I just don't know. I have had quite a few possible signs, but I also have massive doubt.  Horrible as I know things are for you, you are definitely at least lucky/blessed that you have that faith.

Latest Activity

Speed Weasel posted a blog post

Assumptions

An assumption is an unexamined belief: what is thought to be true without ever really realizing that we think in that way. For better or worse, understanding starts with entertaining the idea that something is true.  Truly profound thoughts generally come to light from the relaxation of these (flawed) assumptions.  This is where I find myself today...Perhaps, one of the more significant drivers to pushing down the loss and grief at the time of the accident, ignoring it and mindlessly walking…See More
Mar 13
Profile IconCari Jo Converse, Jennifer and James D. Thornsberry joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Mar 13
Profile IconMarina Dsouza, Leah, Sandra M Aaron and 5 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Mar 5
esther joined HollowHeart's group
Thumbnail

Sibling Loss

This group is for anyone that has lost a brother or sister. Sibling loss is often minimized and people don't realize how devastating losing a sibling can be. I lost my older sister and my life will never be the same. She was my only sibling, I looked up to her, I went to her for everything. I lost my past, present and future. It is traumatic.See More
Mar 4
Speed Weasel posted a video

Sun Keeps Risin'

Provided to YouTube by The Orchard EnterprisesSun Keeps Risin' · Lissie · Elisabeth Corrin Maurus · Martin CraftMy Wild West℗ 2015 Lionboy RecordsReleased on...
Feb 26
Speed Weasel posted a blog post

Triggers Continue to Surface

Late February is a challenging time of year for me.  Jen’s birthday is the 23rd and serves as an annual reminder of all of the potential that was lost…Her’s (mainly), mine, the world’s honestly.  This year she would be 52…It is increasingly hard to imagine, through all of the iterations possible, what she could have become, what was to be her (significant) impact on the world.That being said, things, emotions, have largely settled down since I committed a potential version of what could have…See More
Feb 15
Michelle joined Gyla Lynn Darden's group
Thumbnail

Loss of a child In memory of my son or daughter

This group focuses on healing ourselves and each other over the death of a child and welcomes a Christian atmosphere to help with the healing process. I welcome all of those grieving.See More
Feb 8
Tammy McLaughlin and Rosie are now friends
Jan 30

© 2024   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service