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Comment by Linda Engberg on January 17, 2016 at 6:36am

Tildyc,

I agree with you, Life is nothing but loss, my husband, my mother and father and all aunts and uncles plus a niece are gone. All I have left is my sweet little dog and 5 brothers and sisters and one day I will lose them too. I wish I die before I have to go through more grief in my life.

Comment by Tildyc on January 17, 2016 at 2:33am

Before my life ended... I had heard some people say that they have been hurt and they are afraid to love again. This statement was not something I understood at all. To me it sounded like an exuse of some kind of convenient escape route.

I truly and fully understand this now. It is the very definition of my existence. Not because I've been "dumped" by someone or that I've suffered infidelities at the whims of others. (Both of which I have.) No- I've lived through thise kind of things and survived just fine.

When my Mark died and thoroughly and permanently disappeared from life- I honestly became fully and brutally aware of the powerlessness and the extremely fragile state that my life actually is in. Has always been in. At any second ANYONE OR ANYTHING I love can.... and surely WILL be taken from me. There is no escaping this fact. This deep loss I'm suffering is never going to go away. And other loves of my life ( my mom, my dogs, and anyone else I foolishly come to care for) are all going to die and leave also. THERE IS NO ESCAPING THIS FACT.

When I speak to my mom on the phone and I look at my dogs- I'm paralyzed by this unavoidable fear that someday I will be trying to navigate a world without them in it either.

Life is nothing but loss. All the goals and hopes and love I have and may achieve will most certainly all end in death, loss and more pain. How in the hell could anyone ever expect me to allow myself to ever be in such a position again? To have to lose another beloved? Now that I can truly grasp the reality of the death of my soulmate, I just can't purposely put myself in another situation like that again. It's just not an option for this tired and broken soul in the slightest.

My only hope is that I may perhaps die before anymore bullshit can find its way into my life???

Alright then- I'm exhausted- probably not making much sense... But I needed to try to get at least some of this darkness out.

Comment by morgan on January 16, 2016 at 1:44am

Part 2

I talk like I could do something and yet my wish is that there would be a place for people like me where I could just go and know that at some point when I least expect it someone does it for me.  It has become such a burden to have to think constantly about living.  I used to just live.  I didn't have to think about it.  Now I have to carefully plan what to do because social interaction is treacherous water.  

Every time I read your posts I see my own reflection.  I know how the earliest days are and I know I don't want to go there ever again and I can honestly say that there is some light that does peek around the curtain at times as time passes but I can also honestly say that the exhaustion of having so little light makes the brain wonder whether this is worth the effort.

I listened to a you tube video the other day on Steve Jobs life.  DId you know the last words he said when he was dying were: Oh Wow, Oh Wow, Oh Wow.  I really hope that my husband experienced the same vision of what was to come.  I wonder to myself whether my pain is more about how he is and how he felt that even my own situation because I know I can manage this life if I live but how is he and is he ok must really be providing a lot of this anguish because just like he would never want me to hurt as I do now I would never want him to be hurt either.  Gawd, what a mixed up frightful mess this all is.

I am beginning to ramble again.  It's too late and I need to try and get some sleep.  Sorry……..later……..maybe more tomorrow.

Comment by morgan on January 16, 2016 at 1:43am

Part 1

Here it is Friday and I have wanted to write before now but as Tildyc has said the energy a lot of time is just not within us.  No need to feel bad about it.  We all are doing what we can do when we can.

It was the comment by Alice I wanted to start to respond to and since then there are many more but what you said was so spot on.  I too am having physical repercussions.  Shoulder and knee to where I can't walk if I am on it too long has been extremely troublesome but I'll live with the pain.  It's not the worst part of my life.  

What really hit home was your description of your concerted efforts at making a way through each day and yet it takes so much to do it. " Every little practical thing I have to do, such as food shopping, feels insurmountable. I have to psych myself up and then inch my way through the task. I need to cry, but when I do, it exhausts me and my eyes and head ache."  I am going to hit the three year mark in 5 days and I am still having to psych myself to do almost everything.  And like you I have followed my instincts because I felt it was better to get the emotion out of me rather than bottle it up or mask it and I still feel that way but I can say that after this long I am still powerless to stop the hurt when it decides it is going to hit.  And unfortunately this is such a terrible two months for me with continuous marker days since Thanksgiving I am a basket case.  

I turned 64 just two days ago and I look 84.  It has taken such a toll on me. I still cannot believe I am here on my own having to do things to live and sometimes the overpowering need to want to feel him again near me is so overwhelming like today I have just gone nuclear.  I can't tell you how thankful I am to have this one friend who is my sounding board.  My husband asked him to watch over me if something happened to him and he has kept that promise.  He's been more of a brother than my own brothers.  Tonight's meltdown would have been enough for anyone to have just hauled me off to the ward and yet he was able to hear me scream into the phone while I pleaded with the universe to just find a place for me to go and yet here I am writing and able to keep going for another night. 

I have decided to take on one more project that will push my time out for the rest of the year attempting to give me room to recover more than I have.  It is also my only way of increasing my income and when I am done I will decide then if I want to continue to live under the stresses that my beloveds death has wrought upon me.  

Comment by Hilary Christene on January 12, 2016 at 11:58pm

It happens to me as well. It's happening right now but I am going to manage this little blip of assent. Yes, Tildyc and all here, sometimes I start a comment and have to nevermind it.

And I will force myself to go on.

Right now I am in frantic desperation. I will tune into a spiritual study next to try to lift myself from absolute horror.

I cannot go on like this. 8pm is when the slicing, cutting pain starts on my midsection, the pain of losing him, and of longing for him. It feels like terror has taken a long knife to me. I am terrified of losing him. I am terrified of what has happened. In the first few days of the grief, the crushing devastation had an urgency within it, all the things I suddenly had to do now that his dear body had to be looked after, all the arrangements, and all the calls. Within that nightmare of events, I found myself thinking "this has to let up. I'll get over this, I'll adapt, I'll accept it. I will feel right again." That's not what is happening. Instead, I am growing accustomed to the intensity of the pain, steeling myself against it, like, teeth gritted and guts clenched, to get through the day. My smiles and my interactions with people are all lies. My truth is a long, unending shrieking wail. My truth is that I died and my body was left living. I brace myself and embody the pretense through the day.

Food is a problem because even with hunger I do not want it. I have to take a bite or I get faint, so I have a bite with me during the day. At home, I can tell if I have relaxed a little, because I feel hunger and know I have to eat food or the hunger will keep me from sleeping. But if I can relax enough to eat, then the reality of it all comes over me. I guess at home alone, I have stopped steeling myself against the pain to fake my way for other people, and the truth of my desperate wanting for him consumes me.

I asked a kind colleague will she feel this way should she lose her husband? She says she will be sad but she does not believe that life is about your significant other; she has her own purpose. I said back to her that is also my belief, too. My value system is feminist, strong, independent, purposeful. My emotional reality now is at odds with my very beliefs about life and self. She is really a peach, that one, a lovely, lovely, sweet, kind hearted person. She just listened. Bless her.

I try to be asleep by 8 but it's hard to always wrap the day by 8.

Comment by bluebird on January 12, 2016 at 7:42pm

Tildy,

Definitely don't feel bad -- that happens to all of us. There have been many times when I have thought about posting, or even started to post, and then simply didn't have the energy or emotional wherewithal to do so.  I'd say that's what happens nine times out of ten, with me.  So don't worry, no one blames you or is angry with you.

Comment by rachel_micele on January 12, 2016 at 6:36pm

I agree with Linda. Please don't feel bad Tildyc. You haven't let any of us down. I've had that happen to me before too where I start to "weigh in" on a topic at hand but the energy is just not there. So I just refrain. I'd venture to say that happens to everyone here at times. We are all in hell struggling to figure out how to survive the obliterating and devastating atomic bomb of our existence.

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 12, 2016 at 7:24am

Hi Tidyc,

Don't feel bad because you have  not let anyone down, we are all going through the same thing and will always be here for you.

 

Comment by Tildyc on January 12, 2016 at 2:39am

Hi everyone- I haven't commented here lately nor have I responded to the caring and much appreciated personal messages I've received. And I do apologize.

In fact- I actually feel like I've let down my very good friends and this truly weighs on me. I also realize I sound somewhat delusional and perhaps sadly pathetic with this statement that you good folk are my very good friends. But in all honesty- "here" on Mr. Ackerman's group, is the one and only place I ever, even speak the truth anymore. Outside of "here" there is NO ONE I have real conversations with at this point. Granted, I do have to communicate at work with my employees and customers... But those discussions have become short and impatient on my part. It sucks and I can't seem to get a grip on this borderline behavior.

When I do get home, I suffer a panic attack, cry, eat a lorazepam, drink a glass of wine, talk to Mark's pictures and cling to my dogs.

I won't answer the phone or (god forbid) a knock at my door. "Shhhh- they'll go away if I do not respond." Haha- it's just too scary to have a nosy neighbor or visitor trying to come in and offer me advice or getting all judgy- ha!

But I also come "here" daily to see what the "kindred ones" are feeling and saying. It is my life line along with my dogs. Which in turn- these comforts can cause me more anxiety due to the hard learned fact that anything I need or love can disappear or be taken away at any effin moment.
Just like my Mark was...

Everything I do is a monumental effort. It began escalating in Oct- our anniversary- and has steadily consumed me more each day. The fucked up holidays and soon the 1yr marker of the death of love.

I can barely function anymore. I don't know how many times I've read everyone's words and began to reply but could not muster up the energy or the focus to even put my scattered and broken thoughts into words. It is so very overwhelming most times. I am without strength and am not sure why I'm still even alive at this point.

Please know I think of everyone here- every day. And that I plead for peace and some form of comfort to come to us soon...
Take care my kindred
and broken souls.
-Tildyc.

Comment by rachel_micele on January 11, 2016 at 8:38pm

I so appreciate the honesty on this website by everyone. I can sense your desperation Alice to get out of the continual collapse. January has been absolutely awful. Besides the hell of new years, yesterday was now 10 months. Double digits, that seemed like a big deal. Week and half will be his birthday. And then lurking soon around the corner will be the year anniversary. Today started another college semester, another sign time is not stopping. I have reduced my class load and if this semester doesn't go any better, I might be taking time off. I still don't know how to do this without him here. Will I ever fucking know? This road is sooo damn long. 

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