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Comment by rachel_micele on November 25, 2015 at 7:18pm

Ms. Morgan, I read your post and trying to figure out the words to say. Don't know that I have any. Your post sounds serious, desperate. My heart goes out to you. To just wish you luck there's more i want to say yet I don't know what that is. Please keep us all posted here. 

Comment by Hilary Christene on November 24, 2015 at 8:08am

Good luck, Morgan. Will you still post here?

Comment by morgan on November 24, 2015 at 12:52am

Bluebird- yes, hell it is.  How do we reverse hell?  How is it we are now in the position to hate life and yet still have to live. My attitude is getting worse.  I really hate seeing myself being so despondent.  And now here we are again at a time of the year when in my former life I was spending it loving and living.  Now i am shutting down, pulling away, refusing to get near anyone or anything that wants to celebrate.

Tildyc- I think of you often knowing full well you are barely surviving.  Your posts are so full of the feelings of loss.  It's like a disease we have now and no one has any idea we are so sick.  Nothing shows on the outside so we are expected to join in our old universe.  AND it is an assault.  

I am trying a new approach to the hole.  I have turned off my phone.  I only have two people who have been supportive somewhat of my situation but their support is not enough.  I am constantly needing more.  So I am going to try pulling away totally and see if I can survive the aloneness.  I want to determine what this is like without the outreach I kept doing in order to just prop myself up.  I am either going to be able to do this or I am not.  

I am at a point where I need to make a decision.  I cannot keep limping along like I have been.  I will try to make a determination whether living alone is for me because I know the flimsy connection I have with the two people who have kept me going (I'm not sure for who's benefit) is not going to sustain me.  When the gaps appear I need to either get strong or I am going to give it up.  I know it will take me a bit to make this kind of decision and I am attempting it during a period when the worst time happened but I've had enough.  I will make it or I wont but at this point, it is time.  

In the meantime I am hibernating now that it has turned cold.  I made a trip to Florida last week to see if I could handle moving again but that will not be in the cards.  As much as I prefer the weather I cannot go somewhere else where I know no one.  It wont be any different than here other than a few warm degrees. Not enough to make the effort anymore.  

Wish me luck…….

Comment by rachel_micele on November 24, 2015 at 12:42am

Per Hilary, "The "what are you holiday plans?" has started."

I'm glad I haven't gotten any of that but that's how small my social world is. Any routine interaction is with so few people. I don't do anything social and stick to myself as much as possible at work so I can avoid conversation. I just want to do my small time and leave. I will not be attending the family function this week. I can't do it. I won't do it. I refuse to sit there and act like all is well while I drown. Gary and I had yet to take stock into holidays so it's not for that reason. I'm just not close to half of the people that would be there and if I can't talk to someone about my grief, I can't have anything to do with them.    

Sending love to everyone here as this time of year approaches.

Comment by bluebird on November 23, 2015 at 10:10pm

Same here, Tildy.  I used to love Autumn -- but my husband died in Autumn, so now I don't.  I used to love Christmas, it was my favorite holiday -- but now that my husband is dead, I hate it. I don't celebrate it anymore. I spend it with my family, but there is no joy in it for me. I hate hearing the Christmas songs I used to love. I hate shopping. I hate get-togethers. I hate all of it.

Comment by rachel_micele on November 23, 2015 at 5:39pm

Bluebird, "I look like hell, because I feel like hell, because I am in hell." Well put.

Comment by Hilary Christene on November 23, 2015 at 4:51pm

Tildyc, that is what it feels like. Like in a scary movie that plays creepy merry=go=round music.  I  .  miss  .  D 

Some of his shirts still smell like him, a little. I can't believe he's really physically gone. Please, please, please, don't make me stay here without him.

Comment by Tildyc on November 23, 2015 at 4:10pm

Hilary Christene- Holidays....Christmas. All the gaudy lights, relentless piped in music and the constant onslaught of the un-effected ones shoving their merry merry in my face. It's such an assault on my sad and solitary exsistance. All it is doing is intensifying my pain and reminding me of how I'll never have true happiness or love again. That my life has changed forever and all that's left is the gaping hole that his absence has left behind.

Comment by bluebird on November 23, 2015 at 2:19pm

Same here. When my husband died I lost weight, maybe 30 lbs or so, weight that I did need to lose. When people would comment on it, my reaction was "So what? I don't give a damn what I look like".  Now I have gained it all back and much more, so that I am about 70 lbs overweight, and I feel exactly the same about it -- so what? It doesn't matter, except for the fact that being overweight might help me die faster, so in that respect I'm glad. Plus my hair has gone greyer, my skin is dull, my eyes are lifeless, I never smile.

I look like hell, because I feel like hell, because I am in hell.

Comment by Sammie on November 23, 2015 at 12:58pm

Oh Tidy I get that all the time too I don't care what people are telling me, You look tired, you have to eat you are so skinny , I always tell them I don't give a s.. How I look . Some people are saying it's good that you cry it's not good to keep inside you .. So now I try to keep all that pain inside me if that's bad whatever it's bad I try so I end this pain but so far nothing works ..so there we go another day lets see how it goes

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