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Comment by Kristin Rescorla on November 20, 2015 at 12:09pm

Today i went to go hear a voice mail i have saved since mom passed in march and it was gone so it got deleted and not sure how. I am so upset it was the only thing I had that had her voice on it. I feel so lost now ..just sad i cried and just feel a hole in my heart.. sigh 

Comment by Keri K on November 20, 2015 at 9:57am

I am so lonely today.  She lived with me, I cared for her.  She died just a little over a month ago and I am so friggin lonely.

Comment by Leila on November 20, 2015 at 12:44am

Margie and Kim,
I can relate to the emptiness and void you both described. I am beyond thankful for my husband, children, dad, and loved ones. I try to let them know how much I love them every day, because losing my mom has taught me not to take any time with the people I love for granted. Still, there's a cloud over everything. Nothing feels the same anymore. I feel like crying at the most random and unpredictable times. There is a huge hole in my heart.

Margie, I understand about dreading the holidays. Just hearing Christmas music causes me to weep. I hope you'll find a way to enjoy Christmas in some small way with your husband. Let him take special care of you and be there for you. You deserve his support and love. I am trying to ease myself into it. I already put up a simple Christmas tree and wreath at our mountain house as a 'test run' to see how I'll do with it. If I do okay on our next visit then I'll plan to decorate more extensively at home. Have you considered traveling somewhere for Christmas? We've been traveling for long weekends every 2-3 weeks. I find the change of scenery very helpful. A few weeks after my mom passed my husband suggested we take a small trip. I didn't want to go, but I knew it was his way of trying to help me and I was more afraid of squandering my time with him by refusing. Like you, I pray for my mom every day. I ask God to give her hugs and kisses filled with all my love, and to let her know how much I love and miss her. I ask God and my mom to forgive me for signing her over to the hospice killing center. The one she was in was deplorable. I have terrible guilt over buying in to the sales pitch the hospital gave me for it.
Sending gentle hugs!!
Nancy

Comment by Leila on November 19, 2015 at 11:56pm

Jill and Megan,
I'm relieved to know I am not alone in my increased worry for the health and safety of my loved ones. It's like you said, Megan, I don't know what I would do if I lost someone else. I know there are many on this group who HAVE experienced multiple losses, sometimes close together. My heart goes out to every one here as we try to process what has happened to our moms and try to get through each day without them.
I had a huge scare today. We have our phones on a family plan and receive a text if any of the phones dial 911. Today we got a text that our son (at college 4.5 hours away) dialed 911. We couldn't get in touch with him by phone or text for 2 HOURS!! I was imagining every horrible possibility. It turns out he called 911 for another student having a seizure. I'm thankful he is okay and was able to help someone else, but for those couple of hours I was distraught. Of course, when all that was happening the one person I wanted to talk to was my MOM!!
I miss her and want her back SO MUCH!! We're supposed to be planning our Thanksgiving celebration together right now! I'm on my own this year for the first time. I am planning something festive only because I want to make my husband, son, and dad happy.
Today the Barnes and Noble holiday coupons came in the mail. I am looking at them and crying. Every year when the coupons arrived I would take my mom to Barnes and Noble. We would buy books and have Starbucks together. We both loved it.
I think I may need to find a new counselor to talk to. Last session when I was telling her that I still cry every day and constantly miss my mom she was pretty callous about it. She said, "Really, Nancy? Your mom was 86. You know most people don't live much longer than that!" I felt embarrassed and wished I hadn't shared it with her.
When I come here I can relate to everything y'all post. As I read what you write I'm thinking 'Wow, that's exactly how I've been feeling.'
I send a huge thanks to Karen for starting this group and to everyone here who make it a safe place to share how we feel.
Sorry this is so long!
Hugs,
Nancy

Comment by Kim L S on November 19, 2015 at 11:35pm

Hi Margie . I would like say I'm sorry. I have a sadness too inside of me.My mom left my side in May the night before Mothers day.I'm like you I also don't see the point of anything anymore.I don't see things the same or feel things like I used to.

I just have this big void in my life where there once was a life my life! My life was my mom,my best friend. I am now alone,yes I have a husband but I don't have my sunshine..I pray that we all find some comfort in something that easys the pain even if it only for a day.Kindest regards Kim

Comment by John Barry on November 19, 2015 at 9:59pm

Margie S, I would be careful on this. Don't cut out others on the holidays. I know you're hurting. I was hurting after my mother passed away. I was her caregiver for 7 years. My brothers wanted me to go out to dinner for Christmas. I went, may not have enjoyed it, but I still went. You don't have to stay long at Christmas events, just make an appearance. Don't let anyone keep you there any longer than you want. Keep things in balance, don't completely withdraw.

Comment by Margie S. on November 19, 2015 at 9:52pm

I am not looking forward to Christmas either.  I already told my husband that I am not going to celebrate Christmas, that I don't want gifts.  My mom is not here to celebrate with me.  You are right life is very different for me.  I feel like I am a different person.  I feel empty. There were a lot of things that I liked to do.  I don't feel like doing them now.  I think about my mom every day of my life.  I cry every day.  She passed away on October 8.  I pray for her every day.  I ask God to hug and kiss her for me and also I ask him to tell her that I love and miss her so much.    

Comment by Regina on November 19, 2015 at 2:18am

I didn't know any of the victims of the Paris attacks, yet I feel like this tragedy has intensified my grief for my Mom. I'm grateful that she passed very peacefully in her sleep. I can only send my love and prayers for the families of those who died in Paris and those who are wounded. It just doesn't seem to be enough. I'm trying to get over these feelings of anger at such an evil crime. Sending love and prayers to all of you, too. We will heal. But we will never be the same without our mothers. Life is different now. Not looking forward to Christmas because it was my Mom's favorite holiday. 

Comment by Megan on November 16, 2015 at 11:20am

Danny,

I am not super concerned about my own health, but I know my sister is quite worried - like you are. A lot of my relatives have died from cancer. I am adopted, hence why I lack the concern my sister has. She has been into the doctor and they assured her that it is normal to feel anxious/worried. They just said to monitor her health as she normally would, beyond that there is not much that can be done.

I think losing someone so close to you makes you face your own mortality. It can be a difficult thing.  The good news is that we can be proactive in our pursuit of health. While increasing physical activity, eating right, engaging in hobbies, and staying connected socially/spiritually will not stop all illness/accidents it can go a long way in increasing well-being. Before Mom's death I struggled with anxiety, even more so now. I know since I have lost mom it has been really hard to keep up with these things (I have to constantly remind myself), but when I do it makes a big difference in how I am feeling.

I am sorry that you feel so alone. I think having social support is really important. Please know that we are here to lend an ear, if you ever need it.

Comment by Danny on November 16, 2015 at 10:40am

me am quite alone so nervous and worried about my health too.

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