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Comment by nicole irving on October 18, 2015 at 6:18am

Alice i just read your post from oct 4, dr jekyl and mr hyde, you totally hit the nail on the head. its 5 mths for me today, feels like it happened yesterday, it is all still so totally surreal

Comment by nicole irving on October 18, 2015 at 6:18am

Alice i just read your post from oct 4, dr jekyl and mr hyde, you totally hit the nail on the head. its 5 mths for me today, feels like it happened yesterday, it is all still so totally surreal

Comment by nicole irving on October 18, 2015 at 3:59am

All i can say is i am seriously seriously not managing this.... too the point i dont know what to say or where to start, love to all here on this site, the only people that truely understand

Comment by morgan on October 17, 2015 at 11:19pm

Anne J,  I am reading things in your post I think I understand and can relate to on a pretty deep level.  Your ability to tell about your life and part of its story is very clear.  You are gutted and there is nothing that is going to make it different.  And like you, at 63, I have lived in many places (Seattle being one for 20 years) and was rescued by my husband.  Of course , he too fell into my arms for reasons he needed.  Different story, different circumstances but no one was capable of touching me in the depths of my soul until he arrived.  

Now I am dead.  Today again was another bad one.  I am finding it increasingly difficult to accept that no matter what I am doing to "help" myself I land back on the morning he died.  Reality after this long has now revealed to me the strength of what death can do.  It makes it so you never return to the living if you have loved someone so deeply and passionately.  If you were one of the lucky ones you then become one of the most unfortunate.  

You described so much of what we are dealing with as reflected in the mirror of our life now.  What we built in our past with the person we loved.  Our history.  Wiped out in a split second with the last breath taken.  I am seemingly unable most recently after having a very short interim of a bit of relief (maybe two weeks where I didnt fall down three times day)to do more than cry and sit again.  I just cannot see myself living like this.  

I am not exactly sure what you are saying about giving your heart its due so please become my friend because if you have figured out a way to stop this painful existence in a way that is most natural I need to know.  I question why my heart has not given out as of yet as the strain on it is measurable and I can at times feel it pounding erratically.  I wish for you whatever amount of peace in your heart you can muster as I know I sit and struggle with finding it myself and can only wish others more ability to cope.  

I guess the best thing we can say about all of this is that we have found here, a place where we can be honest and understood for that which the rest of the world has no idea of the pain.  Lucky them.  We were once that lucky too.  

Comment by morgan on October 17, 2015 at 1:14am

Rachel, rereading what I just wrote when I asked "what is it that we are still here"  I mean here on earth.  

Comment by morgan on October 17, 2015 at 1:00am

Rachel,  what is it that we are still here? I don't get it.  I just had another breakdown reading and then writing.  Another horrible breakdown.  And yet I come here day after day hoping that reading is somehow going to relieve my pain. What is going to make this void close up?  There is simply too much distance between me and the only thing that made me whole.  Now I am just in a million *uckin pieces.  What happened to me?  Why cant I get "better"?  Why did love do this to me and where is he?  Is he missing me as much as I am him?  Two and half plus years and I am still asking the same damn questions over and over and over.

Somethings got to give.  I am headed into my second winter in the north and hibernation is not my forte.  I have forced myself to get this far beyond his death but I seriously question how much more I can withstand.  I beg for a natural death.  Please , please let me go.  And yet nothing but another moment rolls around for me to deal with this sadness.  This overwhelming place where I am stuck and don't want to be.  Not because I want some "thing" else I want no "thing" else.  Thing being life.  It's just so useless.  What the hell do I do with this?  So what, I end up going to bed, alone, playing some you tube video about the universe in the background for chatter so I don't have to hear myself think and try to sleep?  Somethings got to give……….

Comment by rachel_micele on October 17, 2015 at 12:34am

Hugs Tidyc. "That's not what's suppose to happen." Oh how I've said that line so many times. This was not supposed to happen, this was not supposed to be my life. I say it like it matters. Like it's going to change something.

But nothing changes. Life is still the same miserable, obliterated world I can't believe. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I don't want to be stronger. I just want my life to be the way I had it planned. We had everything planned. And I didn't get shit of it. I hate life for giving me this. It's not fair. It's not right. It's still not okay.   

Comment by morgan on October 17, 2015 at 12:18am

Tildyc

I am so so sorry. The marker days are ones we don't want to face and yet there they are. Having us remember.  The depth of the pain having to remember.  As every day passes including those stirring marker days I review how I am passing the time.  How it is changing.    I am not sure what "better" means anymore.  I drive myself to complete exhaustion through distraction and diversion every day because if I don't all I do is remember and that sets me right up for the hole.  This has to be the most excruciating "exercise" in what we call life that I have ever had to try and make sense of.  My life is measured in minutes now in one way because my mind loses track of what I am doing so each minute is novel.  And yet it drags me along without any care as to whether I want to go.  

Last couple days I am finding it absolutely incomprehensible to apply the word dead to what was his existence.  I just cannot believe he is gone forever.  He was so real.  He held me and gave me life.  Where did it all go?  I know I am alive and so where is he?  I have yet to be able to align myself with moving through time without him.  It just doesn't seem possible.

Ok, if I keep going down this path I am going to end up crying.  I better quit.  The tears are just becoming so overwhelming I feel like I am going to drown in my own fluids.  Later………one lousy little fuckin baby step at a time…...

Comment by Tildyc on October 16, 2015 at 11:26pm

It was our anniversary yesterday. I've been crying for most of the last 24 hrs. Been looking at the photos. Every picture of us- of him and his beautiful mischievous smile and handsome face breaks my heart. I look at these images and it's literally like something is pulling on my chest. The actual physical heavy feeling you get there.... I'm sure many of you here know of what I am describing.
Seeing his image hurts so much...... WTF?!?! That's not what's suppose to happen. He was the center of my happiness. What is going on? This not the world I live in- a world without him. It's all wrong and foreign and my psyche is disorientated and confused. Not having him in my life to love me is honestly tearing me apart. My gawd- what happened?

Comment by Tildyc on October 13, 2015 at 5:58pm

Morgan- "Its just you get used to the fact the pain is there to stay."

Yes- This is my truth now.

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