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Comment by rachel_micele on October 6, 2015 at 6:47pm

"I think that you don’t really recover; you adjust". I refrain from using the word 'never' in life. However, one that I foresee declaring until my last breath is that I will never move on from this loss. I will never box up my grief or anything of Gary's items I have. To move on, to box up in my mind is what you do for a breakup. That's not what happened here. Yes, I may adjust. I may find ways to integrate this loss. Maybe someday I will look at his picture and feel something other than grief.

If a time comes where I am with someone new they will have to understand all this. No negotiations. 

Comment by Angela on October 6, 2015 at 8:49am

At this time, I don't know what I believe. I live in the moment which is usually sad and painful. I have to have some hope to move forward although it usually seems impossible. I have signed onto a daily grief share email that often describes my world...I am sharing this one with you today. I know you can all relate. It comes from grief share.org.
One-Flesh Relationship
Day 117

A part of who you are is gone. Your identity is shaken to the very core. You wonder if you will ever feel normal again or if you will ever enjoy life again.

“When you lose a mate, you lose part of yourself,” says Dr. Jim Conway. “It’s as if you’ve had an amputation of an arm or a leg. I think that you don’t really recover; you adjust, and the process of adjusting varies with every individual. There’s no formula.”

The pain that comes from the loss of a spouse is much deeper than most people realize because in a marital relationship two people become one flesh.

“The man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called "woman,” for she was taken out of man.’ For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Genesis 2:23-24).

When part of your flesh is abruptly taken away, there is a ripping and a tearing that leaves a huge, open wound.

“Until you have experienced the death of a spouse, there is no way you can tell someone how deep the hurt is. The Lord says that we are one flesh, and suddenly half of that flesh is torn from us,” says Beth.

Lord God, a part of me is gone and will never be recovered. What do I do now? Amen."

This is my daily experience. A part of me is gone...what do I do now. I ask myself many, many times a day this very question.....
"

Comment by morgan on October 6, 2015 at 2:54am

I must say I am in awe of the varied and thoughtful posts we as grieving spouses can discuss without recrimination.  Each of us has a very deep introspective view of how this explanation of death appears to us.  I always thought I was pretty in tune with things outside of the "box" but having to lose my husband to the specter of death is a whole new visual.  

I straddle a place somewhere between the confirmed processes of biology, the emerging discoveries of neuroscience, the expansive theories of physics and the metaphysical or what I would call the gamma consciousness which I feel is determining all of what we "think" we know.  It is there in that field of consciousness  I need to believe my husband resides, and is waiting for our reunification so we may soar together again.  I simply cannot live without some sort of hope that this is a natural process from our initial entry into this world as a child and in time it was the place I would find him and the fervent desire I have that I will leave and be with him again.  Not because there is a deified influence orchestrating this but because this is how natural laws work.  The only stumbling block is that there simply is not enough advanced technology to put the pieces together.  That's what I mean by them cracking the code.  My intuition tells me that Einstein was definitely on the right track with energy can never be created nor destroyed and science can't quite explain the one factor that makes us "feel" beyond our five senses. For me that's where the gamma consciousness is the key.  It is simply a explosive field of infinite possibilities and maybe we are just recycled again and again in different forms but our energy is still connected to that one person we are entangled with forever.  Quantam entanglement.  Why else would I feel so strongly?  His essence so completed me.  Why was it taken away from me?  Why must I feel so bereft?  What was his essence that has made me feel I cannot live here on this plane without him or that living is so meaningless without him to share it with me?  Why is that essence so ingrained in my mind?  There has to be something pretty damn big out there happening for this to be so prevalent amongst the survivors of losing our beloved.  And as we can see it also is an affect that mothers have towards their children.  So what is it?  What makes death such a debilitating force in our earthly life?  What about the energy we had shared that is so forceful to have us be begging, pleading for an answer.  Pretty powerful stuff……...

Geez, its 3am. I really need to try and reset the sleep clock.  I would have been resting comfortably against my husbands body no later than 10pm for the 35 years he was alive.  I so miss the wonder of who he was.

morgan

Comment by Trina Mamoon on October 6, 2015 at 1:12am

Well, I for one, am deeply thankful that over many, many millennia and spread over different civilizations since the dawn of time, we humans have developed the idea of the divine and strive for the spiritual. No one can ever, at least not in my lifetime, prove that there's something beyond the material, the biological, but I am glad that I believe in the existence of the soul and the afterlife.

I think Joseph is having a good chuckle, because he was a professor of Philosophy and taught metaphysics, among other subjects. He and I would engage in this topic many times, and ponder about the imponderables. He believed in the divine and the soul though, but unlike me, was very much against organized religion. He always challenged students' deeply-held beliefs (and mine), and was ambivalent about life after death. He didn't dismiss it off-hand, he simply challenged some of the hardcore doctrine that goes with all organized religions: Islam, Christianity, or Hindu. He was always impressed at how unshakeable my belief was, and yet that I never tried to influence others or push my views on others as the only valid or viable system of belief. I miss him so, his wisdom, his openness, and his sense of humor! My Joseph, rest in peace, and have a good laugh!

Comment by morgan on October 5, 2015 at 11:27pm

I look out to the universe and see infinite space. I so want to believe that my husband is somewhere waiting for me.  The possibilities are endless yet when I look out there I struggle with relating it to my own microscopic world.  Where is he?  Why is there nothing in response to my pleas asking him to tell me he is ok?

I want to make sure that I didn't discount anyone's beliefs in what I said and how this works for each of us to manage our grief.  The whole faith thing just makes for more doubt for me when I already have enough of that. When I look at the all the things I have had to endure to get to this point most of all I have held onto hearing how others are coping.  You have become my lifeline.  No one else understands.  No matter what our situations, our beliefs, we have each other to try and bounce our thoughts off of in order to take what we can use to help us. 

I go to science.  Always have.  I can't find the peace I need to reconcile the possibilities in a god but that doesn't mean it may not exist and if it works for others then that is good.  I just want to have the pain stop and after this long I still have so much time where I still question so much of what this all means.  

And John, I too wonder why more men don't reach out here except for you and George but so much of what society expects of men has bound them to some oath of stoicism. Such a shame.  The pain is just as real and just as hurtful and the need to be able to share it is just as helpful.  I am not glad you have to be here but I am glad that you have been here because your background adds so much to the conversation.

 

I can’t believe I have gone through another day without doing anything productive.  Maybe tomorrow. 

Comment by rachel_micele on October 5, 2015 at 11:07pm

Slightly interesting how the topic of God/faith stirs up so much. But it's not surprising. I agree with Bluebird in regards to Alice's post, "I can respect your beliefs, as long you are not trying to force them on anyone else." I grew up in organized religion, got fed up with it 11 years ago and walked away, and my relationship with my father ended 5 years ago because he went crazy (my word) about it to me in a way that was totally forced, threatening, and utterly unbelievable to me. So, I have quite the 'beef' with religion and it wouldn't take much to stir up my feelings about it. But enough of my tangent. If you can find solace in any degree of faith on this journey of hell, I too am genuinely glad it helps you.

I also agree with Copper. It's not that you're "benefiting" per say from others pain. It's innate for us to feel connected to others and grief puts us in such an isolated and disorientated state, we need to find a connection somewhere. So let yourself off the hook on that one. *hugs*

Even though walking away from organized religion, I still am open to spiritual/metaphysical concepts. However, like some others, that seems to stop for me at losing the one person that meant everything. I only had 3 1/2 years with Gary and lost him at 35 so I've got a huge 'beef' with life on this one.

John T - "It's a bit weird that other men haven't reached out here." I could see some of it being the different expectations on men or how men are said to deal with things as a stereotype. My first thought not seeing as many men in grief settings is statistics as the trend is women live longer than men.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on October 5, 2015 at 9:20pm

I, too, am glad that I am the surviving spouse, and not Joseph. He already had to suffer for nine months the extreme pain of cancer, a major surgery, and four months of horrible chemotherapy, not to mention the agony of knowing that he was terminal, that he was facing imminent death. I continue to give thanks that since it had to be one of us who survived the other, that it was me, and not my deeply sensitive, gentle, kind, and loving Joseph. Had he been the surviving spouse, I am afraid, he would not have been able to stand the grief and anguish and might have ended up in a mental home or something. When that thought crosses my mind, I shudder, and at the same time I feel thankful. Even in the depth of grief, I feel thankful that he was spared the pain of losing a beloved spouse. As Patti puts it, I, too, feel like I took one for the team. Joseph took the physical agony and I am taking the mental and emotional anguish. 

Comment by Trina Mamoon on October 5, 2015 at 8:15pm

I will chime in to say that I am a believer (I am Muslim), and I am not going to make excuses or try to justify my belief or rationalize why God has visited this suffering on me/us.

As Alice said, they are multiple ways of experiencing this world, our existence, and no one way is right. I am not trying to change anyone's beliefs or convince others in the rightness of my faith, just like Alice isn't, but only saying that I have faith. I believe if people have faith in God or gods, they should be able to say so without having to apologize for having a religion, just like the people who don't believe in God or a god can say so freely without having to justify their choice/belief. 

All I can say is that my faith helps ease some of the excruciating pain I feel on a daily basis. After I say my prayers I feel a calm come over me and it's comforting and soothing. Also, maybe it is due to my faith, I feel Joseph's constant presence. This feeling is unshakeable; I always feel him next to me, especially when I at home. He is there watching out for me, protecting me, and guiding me. If this is blind faith, then so be it. It makes me feel less despondent and I am able to look forward to the day I will be reunited with Joseph, and my parents, for that matter. Peace to you all.

Comment by George H on October 5, 2015 at 8:04pm

Hi everyone it's me back for a few minutes Mary will have been gone 30 weeks tomorrow and I just don't know what to do with myself I found that moving my chair all my stuff in my room keeps me away from everyone and that seems to be the best for me right now you all know I will stay out of the fath thing because I don't want to offend anyone with what I believe I just wanted to check in with you all make sure you all still here and hopefully doing a little better everyone take care of please

Comment by Tildyc on October 5, 2015 at 7:23pm

Alice- my dear sweet mom has always been a devout Christian. She is 86 yrs old and has seen a lifetime worth of worries and sadness. Even when my dad died- her husbund of 48 yrs- she had her faith to help her. I will never tell someone they're wrong if they find something.... anything to help them get through this prison of greif and lifelong despair. Personally- I feel as if I have wasted many a prayers in my life. But I do wish I had something to give me hope and some comfort. As do you and my mom.

But- I- myself- just cannot blindly accept it. Not after all this suicidal pain and loss. I do not feel this deity has given a rats a$$ about me. I apologize Alice. I do respect your faith. I'm am happy that someone has found some sort of refuge.

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