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Comment by Tildyc on September 28, 2015 at 1:17am

There are so many destroyed souls. I'm just 1. And the "un-effected" are so very lucky. And oblivious. I was once one of these lucky ones. Loved and safe. Unaware of how truly vulnerable I was.

Now- I am no longer one of those folk. I'm completely alone- and repel from them- as they do me. I'm am envious of what "they" have. I use to have that for gawd sakes! Mark and I where rock solid. Not perfect- but totally solid.

I feel as if (something?) snuck
in when I wasn't looking and stole my reason for living and I was completely unaware and un-prepared. Total sucker punch.

I was so good. And now I'm so..... Completely broken. I just want to go to where he went. Wherever that might be. Because here hurts way, way too much.

Comment by rachel_micele on September 27, 2015 at 11:51pm

Robin - "but for the first time in a long time, I don't feel like I'm all alone in this world feeling like this." Welcome to our website. You'll find so many good people on here. We're all part of that club no one wishes to join.

Hugs Patti. I've had a rough day myself. The depression was thick and feeling so low, if I were to look next me I would see my feet. To get anything accomplished was close to, if not, impossible. Can't believe this is my life. I didn't ask for this. What the hell did I do to deserve it. And I think I can say the disbelief now with some sense of grasping what has happened. To say I couldn't believe it before this last month or so, I truly couldn't. I was still in complete shock and to a degree feel I still am. 

Two and a half hours ago the depression broke me down and I've been spending the time since crying, writing in my journal, throwing my kleenax box at the wall, slamming it on the table, and whatever else.  

Cast away was on tv last night, a movie I actually really like and have. It's been years since I've watched it. At the end when Tom Hank's character says something to the effect that you never know what the tide will bring in, my first thought before I even realized what I was thinking was how it brought him back "alive" and if it could bring Gary back ...  

Comment by Trina Mamoon on September 27, 2015 at 5:23pm

Dear Patti,

I am very sorry for the additional heartbreak you're facing on top of losing your beloved husband. It's during these times of tragedy that we really find out the true nature of our family members and friends. And unfortunately, most of them fail the test. Like I said, my older sister, married to the man she adores, with two very nice sons and a daughter-in-law was the first one to openly show her impatience and annoyance with me. I was shocked and deeply hurt by her selfishness. I can imaging how you must be feeling now that you are receiving this selfish and cruel treatment from your own daughter.

It just goes to show that we humans, most of us at least, are interested in our own well-being and happiness. So when those others come across people like us who are enduring continued agony, we become like a thorn in their side, as they can't keep enjoying their happy and peaceful lives quite as before; we make them pause and think, think of death and loss. So I feel for you. Sending good thoughts your way. And to you, too, Robin. I am glad that after five years you have reached out to a grief site and have found a community of people who are in a similar situation like you. Hang in there!

Comment by Robin on September 27, 2015 at 12:35pm

Morgan, I totally understand what you're saying, why does it seem other people are dealing with their situation, when we can't even get through the day.  People like to give advice on things they don't know anything about, and that makes me very resentful. I had someone tell me this was my "new normal" like that was the answer, so get on with your life.  I just wanted to scream.  That's one of the reasons why I've isolated so much from friends, they have no idea, and I don't want to hear their stupid advice even though it might come from a place of love.  I had my whole life ripped from me in a minute.  I'm completely broken inside, and no one in my life really gets it.  It took me 5 years to be able to come to a grief site and express my feelings, and I want to thank you guys for listening/reading.  My heart breaks for everyone here, but for the first time in a long time, I don't feel like I'm all alone in this world feeling like this.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on September 27, 2015 at 2:23am

Dear Kindred Spirits (Tildyc put it so nicely),

The reason this site is so good for bereaved survivors like us is b/c we get validation for our continued grief here. No one here judges us or diminishes our grief and pain, or expect us to "bear it and move on." We are here b/c we have lost the most precious thing we had in our lives. It's not just a question of losing one's spouse/partner. Sometimes it's liberating for some spouses to be the surviving spouse b/c their marriage/relationship wasn't very good. But those of us who are still in agony and are suffering an intense feeling of loss, have lost the love of our life, our once in a lifetime soulmate, our raison d'être. On this site we are truly kindred spirits as we don't have to explain or justify the emotions and pain that we continue to endure every single day, all the time.

Even people who are kinder than the rest, lose patience after a few months with people like us b/c they think that we've had enough time for healing and to move on. What they do not give us credit for is that in spite of our deep grief, and for some of us, our longing and praying for death, we are still here. Broken, not our old selves, not whole, yet still functioning and still somehow managing to live/survive. I don't know how it happens, probably the instinct of the body to survive, the instinct of self-preservation, people like us still go on living despite the horror of our experience.

Unbeknown to us, whether we like it or not, we have "moved on," whatever it means. In my case it means, after being on family-medical leave for three months following Joseph's death, I have come back to work. Those students who are taking a class with me for the first time have no idea that I am widow, that I am in intense emotional pain. My colleagues think I am strong and that I am "doing so well." So in one sense I am moving on even if I don't think so, or even if I wish for my life to end right here and now, even if I don't have the will to live.

Very often I find myself marveling at how I can seem "normal" from the outside. I wear a mask at work and in company of most people, as people aren't interested in hearing about my daily struggle or my anguish. Only once in a while I tell my siblings about it when it gets too unbearable. My older married sister is the least compassionate of them all, maybe b/c she is afraid to entertain the thought about how it feels to lose a beloved spouse. So she wants to ignore my emotions and say things like I am "wallowing in self-pity." It comes from her fear of death and the possibility of losing her life partner sometime in the future.

I am glad to hear from those of you who have been on this accursed journey longer than some of us and to get your perspective. I, too, believe that after 5-6 years the pain, the agony, the despondency won't be as intense and acute as it is today. But the problem is that we will have to walk through this path from hell for the next 4-5 years before it starts to get any better. Meanwhile, my daily prayers for death haven't lessened in intensity. I find myself pleading with God and trying to convince Him why I should be set free in death. Are my prayers said in vain? I don't know, only time will tell.

Like so many of you, I, too, wish that there was something I could say or do to ease the pain for you guys. But words are inadequate under these circumstances. So instead, I am sending you my prayers for healing and wishes for peace. Take care.

Comment by morgan on September 27, 2015 at 1:58am

It's 2:00am(again) and in two half years plus I have yet to establish any kind of "normal" (ha, what a weird word) sleeping pattern but I have just gotten off the phone with the friend who has been my stalwart go-to person and within seconds I want to cry.  Without constant distraction I am right back to day one.  I just cannot get beyond it.  


I've realized this before but I need to write it down and tell you that what I have been doing all this time (years) is doing anything and everything to a manic degree to keep myself distracted so that I don't have to think of my beloved husband and what I had because when I do I collapse.  After this long I have run myself into the most exhausted state of physical deterioration that my brain can comprehend.  My brain is constantly looking for juice to run the engine in such high gear because if I don’t the hole just swallows me. This kind of manic doing as an avoidance so I am not collapsing and then when I don't the collapsing…..the back and forth up and down is literally killing me.  I get it when Patti and Robin say after 5 years worth of this kind of roller coaster that the shadow of the loss is still strong even with some good times.   Where my problem lies is in feeling so so beat up trying to manage these swings.  And they aren't swings in the sense that I am psychologically unable to understand what is going on I am just unwilling to keep trying to pretend that what I am doing is providing anything remotely resembling a life.  To live having to keep myself running on supercharge all the time is that life? I don’t think so.

 

We keep asking the same questions as to how to manage our fellings.  What are feelings and why so some of us have so much more than others.  I know other widows (gawd, I hate using that word) who seem to be so much more neutral or contained than me.  Why is that?  What makes my feelings for my husband so much stronger than what it “seems” it is for them.  How does ANYONE manage to even think about another companion?  Going to a website even on a lark?  Huh?  I just know for me it is ALL about feelings.  I never have felt about anyone in my life like I did for my husband. When my parents died I was upset but not even close to what this is like.  Like the rest of you I just don’t know any answers and I have no idea how long I am going to go on feeling like this.  Why is it so unanswerable?  What is it that other people are telling themselves that allow them to even feel the loss but accept that this is the way life is now so they need to manage it and deal with it.  I don’t get it.  I am hateful that I am supposed to be able to feel this kind of hurt and that I am supposed to deal with it.  I’m supposed to acccept that this is living.  I am so conflicted because in my brain I know this is not living.  I have no joy.  I had joy.  I know what joy is supposed to feel like, look like.  Joy was inextricably linked to love for the one man who made me whole. There is no one  or nothing ahead for me no matter what I do and I have been manically doing.  So what am I supposed to do with this? 

 

I have gone crazy.  No doubt. This is what crazy looks like.

 

 

Comment by Robin on September 26, 2015 at 11:38pm

Tildyc, you've articulated how I've felt for so long.  Somehow in the last couple of months I've felt like maybe the old me is in there somewhere.  After 5 years some of the agony lets up a little.  I think agony is the perfect word, because that's what it is  I've thought about blowing my head off as well, many times, and I've also said it to a few people just to get a reaction, because everyone thinks I should be fine by now.  They don't get it.  Your pain feels so raw in your posts, and I wish I could make time pass for you, because as cliché as it sounds, it does let up a little over time   I just want people to have some kind of hope, because this is so hard to live.

Comment by Tildyc on September 26, 2015 at 8:48pm

If it weren't for "here". I believe I would've offed myself by now. That is very dramatic I realize. As I have stated before- I am no longer myself. At least that person I was before.....

Reading the posts as of late- it's what helps. The only thing really. Here the unabashed truth is stated. The only understanding I can find.

It's been such a dark place since I watched the life bleed out of him. I am irrepairably broken. The images and the loss is all that defines me now. And I HATE it. I truly don't choose to be this way. I wish I could find an answer. But there is none. At least none that is standardly acceptable. He will never come back. So honestly- what is the answer? A lifetime of agony? I know my answer- but so far, I do not have the courage. God what a crazy person I've become. All due to this loss.

Comment by nicole irving on September 26, 2015 at 6:38pm

fucked up fuckin life, i just want it to reverse 6 months, to have the normal family life, keep going with our plans, have someone hear to talk to or just to be here, someone here to make us smile and drive me nuts play fighting with seb. why after all these years of being on my own could noti have just had a normal life, got married, have my husband to come home to, to grow old with, why when everything that we tried so hard at had finally turned around in our favour, we had put in the hard yards and when it improves, smash bang this happens and i have to start putting in the hard yards again, so over it.

Comment by Robin on September 26, 2015 at 3:04pm

Hi Morgan and everyone else, I've been reading your posts and have commented a couple of times.  My husband, John, died 5 years ago at 46, suddenly of a massive stroke, without warning, at home, early in the morning, in front of me. We had been together 20 years, and like everyone here, the love of my life, my best friend, and the only person that truly understood me. I can feel your pain in your posts, and I'm so sorry for what you're going through, I know exactly how you feel. At the very beginning I tried to come to some of these grief sites, but all they did was make me feel worse and I cried for everyone and myself, but it was just too much.  I never commented and I really isolated myself.  Other than going to work, and spending time with my sister and her husband, where I felt safe, I pretty much cut most of my friends out.  No one, unless it happened to you understands, and after a short amount of time, they expect you to move on and shut up.  People don't know what to say and inevitably say the wrong thing.  I learned to fake it and act like I was doing better, and that's all they wanted to hear.  To read everyones posts, I finally feel my feelings are validated.  This the most devastating life altering experience, and for so long I had no hope, and like you Morgan, I didn't want to go on. I still feel that way sometimes, but not as intensely as the first couple of years.  Sometimes I can even enjoy myself now, even if it's just for a little while.  I just want to give you and everyone else some perspective, that it won't always be as horrible as it feels right now. It's true it's always with you, the pain and sadness.  I think about John everyday.  I don't know how I've made it this long without him, but somehow I did.  And everything isn't as crushing as it used to be.  Thanks for listening. 

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