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Comment by Tildyc on July 27, 2015 at 3:23pm

Oh Nicole- those words are the exact words I use over and over and over. "I just want you to come home.......please come home." I say it countless times every single day. It is usually when I'm crying. I am so sorry- this is so bad. It's all so very bad. Why did this have to happen? Why does this have to happen to people (like us) who love their soulmate so deeply that we can never recover from their absence in our lives?

There are so many countless couples out there who do not even love one another. Who could carry on with their lives no problem at all after losing their S.O. Not that I wish this on even my worst enemy. But I see folks arguing and complaining about the other and it pisses me right off. They have no idea how badly I long for my lost love. How deep this pain goes. How debilitating it is. They don't realize how extremely fortunate they are to never have felt this type of loss and greif. But maybe it's because they are unable to love deeply enough in the first place? So- do we consider that fortunate or unfortunate? You know the old saying I'm referring to- about love and loss. Is it worth loving so deeply that the loss of it can destroy your life? I really don't know at this time. My wounds are so deep and painful and have not scarred over yet. And honestly- I am afraid they most likely will.

Comment by nicole irving on July 27, 2015 at 5:28am

missing mike like crazy tonight, not looking forward to bed, even pulling out the dinner plates for tea hurts, wish we had had the chance to do the things we had planned on doing, so much unfinished business, i just want to sit down and cry. why were you taken, i just dont understand, my life is so empty all the time, and i am trying hard to keep moving, even talked to my boss about going back to work in a couple of weeks. i just want you to come home.......please come home :(

Comment by bluebird on July 26, 2015 at 6:21pm

Tildy, I totally understand that. It's the same for me, with stuff that my husband and I bought together. 

Also, this -- we moved from our apt. in NY to our apt. in NJ about 6 months before my husband died. The apt. in NJ was part of a house, though it was completely separate in that it had its own entrance, its own yard, etc.  Anyway, after my husband died I still lived there for about a year, and then the owners/landlords (who lived upstairs, and with whom we were always on very good terms) decided to divorce and sell the house, so I had to move (the new owners did not want a tenant).

So we had left our apt. in NY where we lived together (I had lived there for years before meeting my husband, then we lived there together for a couple of years), and we moved out of it to come to NJ.  Then I had to move out of that NJ apt. where we lived together, and into a new apt. I like the new apt. (been here a year, now), but my beloved husband never lived her with me.  I did not want to leave the other (NJ) apt. where we lived together, and never would have if I'd had a choice.

All of which makes every little thing we own even more important to me -- everything he bought for me, or I bought for him, or we bought together -- since the actual building never had him living in it.

Comment by Tildyc on July 26, 2015 at 4:53pm

Yes Trina- day after day, week after week, month after month and year after miserable year. It will- at least for me- never change. All the years of loneliness and sadness that stretch ahead me...... leach every ounce of hope and joy from my entire being. I realize there truly is not even the slightest possibility of ever being happy again.

I believe that many of us are forever changed and. "darkened". That the small glimmer of light/happiness- (or whatever it was) we all once possessed- is now snuffed out for the entirety of what's left of our broken lives. It think it is visible somehow. The sadness in the eyes? The tone of the voice? The way one walks? The shift in personality? Lord knows I try to put up a good front. But- I still know I am forever changed.... lessened. And sometime- even the "un-effected" can see it. Although they don't quite understand what it is exactly they are witnessing. But- it's undeniable, it is an all consuming and life altering pain. But how- I ask- are we supposed to go on living like this? How?!?

It has crippled me. Everything in my life has been colored by this horrible greif. Even the smallest of things can now morph into some type of painful and pathetic milestone in my mind. For example, today I accidentally spilled a whole can of soda all over the old threadbare entry rug. It is worn out and it's beyond even washing now. Should be no big deal- right? Just throw it in the trash and go buy another cheap one. But no- it was a something that Mark actually picked out and placed there himself. So- this completely devastated me. Tears where running down my face. All I kept thinking was what will be next to go? Everything he ever owned or touched in this crappy little house is so priceless to me. And for every one thing that wears out or is replaced, is in my eyes, one more step away from that amazing, happy life we once shared. One more step away from him. I realize this sounds a bit obsessive- but it's just one of the many strange and sad quirks I've developed since the day I lost my reason for living. There is not one part of my life that has not been altered by his death. I am forever, irreparably broken.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on July 26, 2015 at 3:54am

It was almost a year ago that my beloved husband Joseph succumbed to cancer. And now a year later I still go on "living." My waking hours are so cumbersome that it feels like that I have a disease, a cancer that is slowly killing me, but it won't kill me quickly. This existence is so heavy with grief, loneliness, and longing that it feels like I am physically carrying a heavy weight with me at all times. The emotional distress sometimes even makes it difficult to breathe.

But until and unless the body is sickened, no amount of anguish, gut-wrenching pain, oceans of tears, none of it will hasten our departure. What a cruel universe we live in; those of us here are enduring emotional pain beyond belief yet there is no release; we are condemned to live this life of daily misery year after year, indefinitely. My only comfort is that someday, whenever that someday is, I will be reunited with the love of my life. But until then, only loneliness and tears are my daily companions. Oh, how I miss you Joseph! How I long to be with you! Please, please come get me!

Comment by rachel_micele on July 22, 2015 at 2:05pm

AnneJ - "You are here, he is gone." Sounds like a George gem. ;) Short, to the point, and sums it up perfectly. I've heard people say that your love wouldn't want you to be so sad, etc. For some that's comforting or helps them resolve their pain. For me, it doesn't for exactly what you said. It's true Gary could not stand to see me cry and be upset. But he's not physically here anymore. I am. And at the end of the day it's just me to live with it. I guess it all just hurts too bad that I can't think of anything other than my brokenness. 

"All that can be done is to shatter over and over till I don't know what?  We turn to scar tissue?" That reminds me of something Steve Suehiro said on here. An amputee with both his legs gone will adapt to a wheelchair but at no point will he ever stop missing his legs. Now I'm not an amputee, nor do I know one, so I can't say that is how they feel. But that is my perception as well.

Nancy - "I take comfort in knowing that in every loving pair, at some point (unless you're lucky) one must stay". I read that few months ago on another website and too found some short lived comfort in the realization. Granted, for me it wasn't supposed to happen for another 30, 40 years. But it was good to be reminded of that.   

Tildyc - "I just wish this shell that's left behind would also give up this ghost". I've used the phrase "emotionless skeleton" but what you said is good. I don't know anything more perfect to describe this hollow existence. 

M morgan - I enjoyed your entire post. Your uplifting words. As well, "Our brains just need to rewire to understand their energy transformation is just illusory. They are still with us, just not in the flesh. We remember and as such they are with us." I do believe they are still with us in spirit. I've had a handful of experiences my brain can't logic away. And honestly, I wouldn't want it to.

Comment by morgan on July 22, 2015 at 12:06am

(Part 2) I know how hard it is to continue to fight the sorrow and to write the words I do and to believe them is even harder.  I have struggled along this far and I wonder why I need to and how I have survived this long given the physical torment is unexplainable, but I have, and when I get to where you are tonight I too want to die.  In fact, I am taking proactive measures to try and hasten my demise.  Problem is the biology is still ticking.  For whatever “reason” my body is still here.  So I/you/we are forced to endure. 

 

You haven’t even reached the six month mark yet.  Your pain is way way too raw to do more than you are.  You are working.  You are giving pieces of a broken self out all day long at work.  When you get home your brain is going to let go.  It is the place where you will need to release all the pent up emotion of the day.  Your feelings need to escape from being used during the day.  I am so sorry it has to be this way.  None of us could ever have imagined what it would be like to have our lives reshaped by death.  Our history has been wiped out.  It is a huge commitment to reconstruct any kind of routine or habit when everything we do triggers memories of our love. 

 

Baby steps, small tiny ones and don’t think.  Try not to think.  Try to watch a comedy movie.  Other than that small meals and resting.  Maybe not always sleeping but crawl up in something comfortable and rest.  And you have a number you can call…..

Take care and try to find a little peace.

morgan

Comment by morgan on July 22, 2015 at 12:04am

Tildyc, (Part 1)

Make yourself a little warm milk and have a half a muffin or a piece of toast.  I put a little peanut butter and some chocolate chips that melt on the hot muffin. The carb will help a little and the milk is a good comfort.  Small portions of each.  Your system needs a little something to calm the anxiety you are having.  Your thoughts are incredibly powerful, and it is affecting your serotonin.  Any kind of intervention that helps you improve your mood, should also increase your serotonin levels.  That's what helps me. A small amount of food that is of a warm and comforting kind…...

 

Unfortunately the feeling of being out of control and the inability to stop crying is a testament of how deeply and passionately you loved. You loved a man.  He loved you.  There is nothing more powerful, more creative, more profound and he would never ever want you to be in such pain.  If he sees you he definitely wants to hold you and tell you that in a blink of an eye you will be with him again.  It seems like minutes are decades and the pain is searing………and it is. BUT in the scheme of the space we occupy in what we call time we are all here and gone rather quickly.  

 

Think of this.  The universe is 13.8 Billion years old.  That is the observable universe, the part that light has travelled in order to get to us so we can measure it.  It might be older than that.  Current estimates suggest there are around 400 Billion stars sharing our galaxy.  Our sun is just one.  Using data from the Hubble Telescope astronomers have calculated there are likely to be around 170 billion galaxies in the observable universe.  And finally, it is more speculative theory than a fact, but several branches of mathematics, quantum mechanics, and astrophysics have all come to a similar conclusion: our universe is just one of many and we actually exist in a "mutiverse".  There is something out there way bigger, way older and of way more force than we can comprehend and the possibilities of life beyond here and becoming a part of the energy that was shared here, our quantum love for our spouse, must still exist.  He has just taken on a different form.  I cannot help but believe that the constant flow of the love that you and I and everyone here still feels so strongly is speaking to our partnership with our love and our brains just need to rewire to understand their energy transformation is just illusory.  They are still with us, just not in the flesh.  We remember and as such they are with us.

Comment by Tildyc on July 21, 2015 at 11:47pm

It is a true statement Nancy - someone has to leave first. But, the way I'm feeling now.... I should've been the first to go. I hate everything about my life. I know that sounds so jaded and over dramatic. But on here- I hold nothing back. I feel like a caged animal that longs to escape but cannot. As long as I'm alive, I am chained to this hell of loneliness and greif. I'm overwhelmed with all the emptiness, sadness, hatred and pain. Gawd- I abhor the way I am and how I must sound. I hope I haven't offended you.

AnneJ- Jeezus, you are soo spot on about never being the strong, capable "force of nature" I used to be. I was so sure of myself before. There is absolutely no hope for it now. And yes- my Mark would've NEVER of even noticed this POS I am now. I am a merely a shadow of that person I was. No... actually.... that person is long long gone. She is dead.

I just wish this shell that's left behind would also give up this ghost. What is the point of living on and on for endless, empty years with no reason to even smile or feel true happiness again. What a colossal waste of a TIME- Which, in fact, is the overwhelming obstacle that stands between me and him. Time.

Comment by Nancy on July 21, 2015 at 9:58pm

There is some poem out there, something to the effect of: one must stay and one must go. When we get married or devote ourselves to our loved one, one of us will go first. And one will stay. I guess I get to stay. It's heart wrenching, but I take comfort in knowing that in every loving pair, at some point (unless you're lucky) one must stay.

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