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Comment by Tildyc on July 9, 2015 at 10:37pm

"Now that the screaming madness of the first year as abated a little bit, the nice gift I've received in its place is a dark melancholy and sadness, emptiness, loathing of self and life and it's all been for nothing since the day I was born."

You have put into words exactly how I feel. Except for the "screaming madness" is still with me. It attacks me and seizes hold of my mind and soul. Whenever it wants. I am helpless in its affront on me. It's all I can do to get to somewhere out of sight before someone witnesses my out of control behavior.

This despair and lack of hope is so difficult to live with. I see absolutely no escape from this life sentence that I've received. It is beyond my comprehension how I'm suppose to continue breathing and functioning for the next 30+ yrs?!?


I can't... I just- can't.

Comment by George H on July 9, 2015 at 4:39pm

Mary's daughters came this week and take care of some of her stuff it's just that much closer to finality every time something went out of the door it rip my fucking soul apart I'm so broken and I can't stand much more if this shit

Comment by Tildyc on July 7, 2015 at 1:36am

George & Fran- How do we withstand this? I feel there's no way out. This pain and emptiness is paralyzing and never ending. I feel the only way out is when finally some day, I get to pass on and join him- wherever he has gone.

Comment by George H on July 6, 2015 at 12:14pm

It will be 18 weeks tomorrow love Mary's been gone I have moved totally into my bedroom just can't deal with people just can't deal with the other world

Comment by Fran on July 6, 2015 at 12:03pm

8 months ago today...a lifetime ago....still hurts...still miss him....

Comment by Tildyc on July 6, 2015 at 2:08am

It's so true John- so much of the time it feels as if none of this is really permanent- I can't help it but- whenever a thought crosses my mind about an event in the future or sometimes even simple daily statements someone might say.... for a very brief moment...I will think to myself what Mark and I will be doing at that time or what he might say or how he would react to whatever the situation may be. Then immediately after that I am fighting back the tears and the darkness. I keep asking myself over and over- like a GD broken record- How can this be? What the hell do you mean he won't be there? Inconceivable. That is so completely unacceptable.

So much of the time I just can't get my tortured psyche to absorb the truth that Feb 4th, 2015 was the last time I will had EVER see him again. Jeezus.

And I am with you both on needing to avoid all those dinners, gatherings and other various, supposedly, joyous, occasions. Alone- that's all I can handle anymore. I feel like an outsider and a weirdo when I find myself unwillingly attending these festivities. I am living in a completely different realm from the "unaffected" folks. I tried once to explain to my niece exactly how it is living in this other world- what a mistake that was. She thinks I'm being weak. And she feels that I'm not upholding the expectations of the "Strength of our women in out family." And that I'm being stubborn. Wow-
She just cannot grasp this parallel universe in which (we) have to live in now. Therefore- I just keep to myself and my dogs.

One more thing- on the dog walk this evening my heart ached terribly- The amazing warm and clear weather has made the mountings so beautiful, the sky so blues, the trees so green and you can smell the ocean and see the fishing boats. Amazing wildlife and the Alaskan mid-night sun sets so uniquely and brilliantly. These sights have always brought me such boundless happiness and made my soul feel so very free and content. This evenings walk- I cried through the entire hike. I realize that all this beauty is never going to effect me like it used to ever again. I kept rolling the thought through my mind that all this untarnished and pristine landscape is completely wasted on me now. I cannot derive those wondrous feelings from it anymore. It does not make my heart sing anymore. Which is yet another huge price I've had to pay due to the loss of my soulmate. I feel as if my soul is slowly dying because it has been cut off from the love that nourished it. How am I to survive the next 25-35 yrs alone... without Mark? Without his love? Inconceivable.

I sincerely long to be set free from this sad life of mine.

Comment by rachel_micele on July 5, 2015 at 10:51pm

John T's comment: I can't share in their superficial conversations, relate to their daily problems, or their joy.

I can totally relate. Last night my mom had a family meal and invited my brother and his family, who I don't have relationships with. They're merely acquaintances that I only see on a couple holidays a year. My father I have not had a relationship with as of the last 5 years. Other than my mom, that was the company I was in. It was so miserably uncomfortable and awkward, it felt completely useless for me to even be there. I was only there for my mom. Ever since losing Gary I have either isolated myself or have been in the company of a chosen few. So as this "happy" miserable meal continued on, I just sunk deeper.

Comment by Tildyc on July 5, 2015 at 2:30am

I've been thinking of you today- m morgan and AnneJ. My heart is aching for you my most kindred souls. Today, for me- and for JohnT- it is also an unwanted "anniversary". 11 months for you John I believe? And it will be 5 months ago today that my entire universe exploded into a million pieces and that person I was before- at that very moment- also ceased to exist. The person I had been my entire life-died that day. What I'm left with is this shell.

And yet- I and others on here- are suppose to live a life now that is completely without reason, substance or love. I'm so lost. I cannot find my way. I just don't belong in this life anymore. Everyday since that day my world ended- all has been senseless and such an act of futilely. I am forever lost. And for god sakes- at what point- would someone please tell me- does your body finally stop producing tears? I seem to have an infinite supply of tears.

When will I finally find peace????


Perhaps when I finally die I suppose....?

Comment by bluebird on July 4, 2015 at 10:23pm

I feel much the same as you do, m morgan, especially this: "And the worst part is I have no idea where he is or if he still exists in another place.  Is he waiting for me?  Is he content or suffering?  Is there more? "

Comment by morgan on July 4, 2015 at 8:37pm

So another day is closing down around me.  Another day in the string of many and the kind of relief I need is no closer than it was two and half years ago.  I've just gotten better at pretending to the outside world that somehow the fact that I shower more regularly and I cook a meal periodically means something more than it does.  

I knew my husband since second grade so in total our history goes back 56 years.  I knew what kind of child he was. Once we tied the know we lived fully, passionately and with utter commitment.  How do I do with less?

So I sit alone watching the celebrants who still live fully, passionately and with commitment sharing the emotion of having love embrace them.  Children embraced by their parents feeling love, husbands and wives walking together embraced by the knowledge they will share their love later in the privacy of their homes.  I am not jealous.  They deserve their love.  I just want mine again.  I want that feeling.  I want that love that we had. And there is no more for me.  Never again.  And the worst part is I have no idea where he is or if he still exists in another place.  Is he waiting for me?  Is he content or suffering?  Is there more?  

Too many questions, too few answers. 

And Trina, tempestuous was the perfect word.  I feel like I am part of that "perfect' storm".  

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