It seems to get harder, not easier

I feel so alone.

I reached out to this group briefly after I lost the love of my life almost exactly six months ago.  I haven't been able to come back much, as I felt like my heart was breaking even more after reading some of the posts.  I felt like I couldn't handle more heart break.  I think I have come to realize that I do need to hear how you all are feeling and handling it, and the support that you provide.  

I feel so lost.  I feel like I can't handle another day.  I go to work every day because I have to.  I do the things that I have to do.  It is exhausting.  Pretending to be ok is exhausting.  Worrying about how uncomfortable everyone feels around me is exhausting.  At the same time, I don't think anyone wants to know how I really feel.  People say - "what's wrong?"  Really??? I try to explain that this is the hardest time of my life, and no one begins to understand.  I guess I don't really expect anyone to "understand", but, if I am forced to pretend to be OK every day, can't they pretend to try to "get it"?

I have two daughters (20 and 25) I try to be strong for them.  It is so hard.  I feel like I am in complete chaos.  I lost my best friend, so suddenly.  He was perfectly healthy and loved life so much.  We were together for 11 years and had so many things planned for the future.  Everywhere I look is a memory.  Everything I see I am reminded of what we had and what was suppose to be.  I feel so cheated.

Thanks for listening.

Jennifer

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Gabrielle on May 22, 2015 at 10:00am
Hi Jennifer, I know exactly how you feel when you say it's exhausting carrying on like this. I'm tired of going to work and people avoiding asking me the dreaded question "How are you?" just in case I give an answer that they're not comfortable with. So most people avoid me apart from to say a quick hello. Like I have asked for this to happen to me!!! I'm so sorry that my grief is so uncomfortable for them!!
I'm existing, not living, and it's so so tiring continuing like this.
Gabrielle
Permalink Reply by Jennifer on May 22, 2015 at 10:21am

Thanks Gabrielle - It helps to know that I am not the only one who is just "existing".  Many days it feels like such a huge effort to just step out of bed and even brush my teeth.  By the time I even get to work I have already had enough...

Permalink Reply by Gabrielle on May 24, 2015 at 2:56pm

Having to go to work is the only thing that forces me up in the morning. Crying in the shower is not how my life used to be. So recently- just 4 months ago- my life was normal! And now with each day that passes the person I used to be and the contentment I used to feel - and most importantly the person I loved most in the word- is one step further away. x

Permalink Reply by dawn larvan on May 26, 2015 at 12:29am
Hi Jennifer
Why do people say such things even my own mother told me off for wearing red saying it was disrespectful and that was after 6 months !!!! I thought she of all people would understand as my father died aged 50 22nd may 1981 of a heart attack and my husband died aged50 22nd may 2014 of a heart attack and I really can't believe it both the loves of my life dying on the same day !!! There are good people tho I have no children so I go to stay with friends and sometimes I find myself laughing then crying because I feel so guilty,but I carry on everyday because my darling husband loved life so much that it would be an insult to his memory if I gave up .
So do anything that makes you feel a little better no matter what other people think they will never understand unless they have been through it and even then like my mother there will still be insensitive people, I hope you find you're happiness once again kind regards dawn

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