Kathleen akin's Comments

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At 7:55pm on June 10, 2015, Sara Schwartztrauber said…

Kathleen

Jim's doctors did tell us that some life insurance policy's have a clause that if the doctor signs a statement saying they are terminal within a year, the life insurance may be paid out early. It might be worth checking in to.

Sara

At 3:40pm on June 10, 2015, Sara Schwartztrauber said…

Kathleen

I just read back my message to you and I hope you can make some sense of it. Sounds like I was just rambling and jumping around....sorry.

At 3:37pm on June 10, 2015, Sara Schwartztrauber said…

Kathleen

Trust me, I'm not that strong, but I fake it pretty well so that I don't give my kids more to worry about.

I don't know how long your husband will have if he stops treatment, I can only tell you our story. When Jim was diagnosed with esoph. cancer they told us that he would have a year at best. He didn't accept it and fought till the end. I was get so upset with his doctor because he would keep asking Jim what he wanted to do, I just wanted to yell that we don't know, we've never done this before, you should know. One huge regret I have is that while Jim fought very hard against having a feeding tube put it, the damn doctor should have insisted on it a very long time before he did. By the time it was put in on January 8th he had lost 125 lbs. Two other men we know were diagnosed with the same cancer and both of their doctors put the feeding tube in within the first month. I just think that he may not have lost as much weight as fast and would of been a bit more comfortable. But anyway....Jim had a type of cancer that let him have a special drug called Herceptin. Very few men are able to use it, it is usually used for women with breast cancer. This drug targets the tumor instead of going through your whole body. It also helps to stop the cancer from spreading. While Jim did have some of the nasty side effects, he did not ever get sick from the chemo. He tried the pills, he hated them, he had the pump, he hated it, and on and on. In January, the Friday before he was to have his pump put in he all of a sudden couldn't even swallow water, so he couldn't take anything in at all. I finally convinced him to go to the hospital on Saturday evening. To shorten a long story, it was then that they stopped the cocktail that he was on and stopped the Herceptin. They said there was a new drug that had just been approved and that we could try it. Without it, he may have weeks, with it, months. He of course said to try it. Honestly, he fought so hard till the end, as I'm sure your husband is. We asked if the new drug would also stop it from spreading and we just kept getting, it should. From then on it was downhill. We went in for a treatment on a Tuesday and he finally said that I could ask about stopping treatment and how long he would have. Again....all we got for answers was that he should have several months. On Friday he asked me to call and ask if he kept taking treatment would it buy him more time, he still thought he could beat it. The nurse called me back and said that the doctor felt just from looking at him that he could go anytime, but 60 days at most. He was gone the next Wednesday. I believe that once the Herceptin was stopped the cancer spread very quickly. He got worse in the last 5 days than he had in the last year. He did tell me in Feb that he felt that he was going to die soon. What I would tell you is to listen to him. Please don't be too hard on him for the choice he has made. While I understand you wanting to be a part of it, it had to be his choice. I also read two books that were written by a hospice nurse of 30+ years and they helped me a GREAT deal be prepared for what we would face at the end of his life. I'm so glad that I read them. Please let me know if you'd like the name of them, or if you have a kindle I think that I can just loan you my copies of them.

I too felt like I started grieving long before he died. But, it took so much of who he was, that I felt like he was gone before he actually was. I thought that I was prepared, but I wasn't, and never could be. People just don't understand the difference in losing a parent or someone close, and losing your spouse.

I'm so sorry for the pain you are both going through, it just isn't fair.

At 11:57pm on June 8, 2015, Sara Schwartztrauber said…

Kathleen

I lost my amazing husband of 37 years on April 1st from cancer. He fought as hard as he could for 13 months "this goes bad". I didn't even call hospice until about 48 hours before he died because he just wanted to keep fighting. It was so hard for me to tell him all of the things I wanted to say to him because he just wanted to live. A couple of times he did break down and just sob about not wanting to leave me here alone, or leave our kids. I just told him that he had spent 37 years teaching me how to take care of myself and while I would miss him every minute of everyday, I would be okay. There were a couple of things that seemed to calm him a little. The first would be funny if it wasn't so sad. I told him that we were only going to talk about this subject one time and then never again, at that point I promised him that there would NEVER be another man living in his house. Now, you would think that most men would say "no, I want you to be happy, and not be alone", not my husband, he just smiled. I thought it was kind of cute that he didn't want me to be with another man. Not that I would ever want to. I am married to him until the day that I die. The other was that just two days before he passed away, our son, who is almost 30, told him "don't worry about mom, I will take care of her", it seemed to calm him and bring him a little peace.

I would just suggest doing whatever you think will make him calm and at peace with a horrible situation. I really didn't think that we would leave anything unsaid or undone knowing the time we had, but the regrets that I do have are not just laying down with him and holding him more as the end got closer. But...on a Friday the doc said that he thought he had about 60 days, and he was gone 4 days later. So...please don't waste anytime cleaning the house, or doing things that can wait, hold his hand, tell him you love him, and leave nothing unsaid.

Please know that I am here if you would ever like to vent in a private message. I am a good listener.

Sara

At 6:19pm on June 3, 2015, Fran said…

I don't know how you "accept". It is what it is. There's nothing I can do about it. Bill was alive and we were happy and now he's gone and I can't dwell on what I can't change. I have to focus on the here and now. I guess it helps that my grown kids live with me. Believe me, I still have melt-downs where I miss Bill overwhelmingly! Anytime anything breaks it's like a piece of my heart breaks off...I've had to replace several items that Bill would've insisted he could fix if he were alive. My son also fixes things but there does come a point where it makes more sense to buy new and have something more reliable!!!

Supposedly someone is interested in the 5th wheel camper we own...I can't see myself using it, yet, I'm hesitant to let it go for a song...It's money that I could use. I have to call my brother-in-law to see who's interested and what they offer...Blue book value shows it at $10000 or more. My brothers-in-law just replaced the floor and flooring. Another item that Bill and I bought together with the thought that we'd travel when we retired...Another dream shattered.

I'm doing better now that I can get outside and putter in the garden etc. But, I do have to admit one day runs into the next. Fortunately, I have different friends who like to get together for different things. A couple like to garden and have planted in my garden...one likes to fish, if I'm interested. 

What I miss is someone to talk to about the kids and everyday stuff. That "sharing" and discussing....

At 3:49pm on June 3, 2015, Fran said…

Kathleen,

I so feel your pain!

There really does come a point where you wonder why the chemo when it makes Rocky feel so bad! I went thru it with Bill. Initially, the "bad" was actually an improvement ...but, towards the end, there really wasn't any "good" that I could see. I will say that the amount of pain medication had decreased from where we started...we went from 200mg of Morphine long-acting every 12 hours to 45mg twice a day...So, yes, that was an improvement...the only time he was really dopey/goofy was when he was on IV morphine...how much medication is Rocky getting? Does he seem comfortable after getting it? Is the pain in any one spot, or all over? When Bill had more pain it was his hip and we did radiation treatments to make those spots smaller and decrease the pain....

Last year, when I would go in to work(keep in mind it was only 4 hours 2 or 3 x a week) everyone would ask about Bill and YES I would have melt downs...it's to be expected. Let them feel your pain.

At 2:47pm on June 3, 2015, Richard G said…

Kathleen, I have not been having an issues with getting on this site. I have been where you are now and my heart goes out to you. It is so hard to watch cancer steal the people we love. When my first wife died of cancer I often debated which was doing the most damage the chemo or the cancer. Everyone wishes that they could say something to make it better or easier but there is nothing that makes it better or easier. The only thing that helps me is knowing there are other people that understand my pain. I hope this site helps you. I know it helps me. 

At 3:40pm on May 29, 2015, Fran said…

Sorry I haven't checked in on you lately! How are things? I love the pix you have posted. They show such depth. I love seeing the light in his eyes! That's one thing that I noticed Bill lost as time went on. I have a picture taken 6 weeks before he died and it's like they were empty...the life had already left. I have been trying to stay busy. I helped a friend paint her dining room, have started the garden, mow the lawn. I do better when I'm busy, otherwise I think too much.

Have you been able to do anything about Social Security or Disability? A lot of paperwork, but it can help financially... How's Rocky doing?

At 5:26pm on May 26, 2015, Elizabeth said…

So sorry to hear about your husband. Seems we are on the same path right now. Please let me know if you ever want to talk. Prayers and thoughts are being sent your way! 

At 10:59am on May 25, 2015, Richard G said…

I just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you today.  Just cherish every minute you have with Rocky. I would love to have even just one more minute with Cherie. 

At 3:24pm on May 21, 2015, Richard G said…

I'm glad that you found this site. It is so important to have people to talk to who understand how difficult this is to go through. 

At 3:19pm on May 21, 2015, Richard G said…

If your husband doesn't get a miracle I at least hope he goes peacefully. Cherie did not go peacefully and it was the most difficult thing I've ever experienced. 

At 6:09pm on April 30, 2015, Mark said…

Hi Kathleen

  I am very sorry to here of your husbands condition, I hope for the best for you and he.  

  I know the exact feeling of not belonging on this planet, I exist in a reality that I never imagined. I still hope to wake up to my previous life, I guess I have not achieved the acceptance phase of all of this.  

  I wish I could do something to alleviate the fear and heart ache you are feeling.  It's a shame everyone here is spread around the world.  I think all of us experiencing a loss should be grouped in a commune to be able to truly support one another.

  Thanks for the comments Kathleen, I wish you the best.

Mark

At 6:48pm on April 28, 2015, Fran said…

I'm glad to hear that your daughter handled the situation. Love conquers almost all!

At 8:39am on April 18, 2015, Fran said…

I can't tell you how many times I said something to Bill that I wish I hadn't said. You are BOTH under so much stress right now. Just tell him you love him. I wish I could tell you that it will be ok but I'd be lying. I have you in my prayers! 

At 10:08am on April 13, 2015, Fran said…

Kathleen, you will do whatever you have to do! You will help him, you will be his advocate. You will cry and you will rant and rave, but, you will love him as deeply as ever. My mantra for over a year was "Sometimes life sucks!" but you will deal with it!

I'm sending you hugs and "white light" to help you.

At 10:06am on April 12, 2015, Fran said…

Kathleen,

I've been wondering how you're doing?

At 10:15am on April 3, 2015, Fran said…

I remember the pain I suffered watching my husband slowly becoming a shell of the man he used to be. As hard as I worked to make his life as comfortable as possible, as much as I supported his attempts to survive,  I was angry at God. I still am. I still prayed for whatever God could give us and mostly prayed for the strength to deal with what was coming. While Bill focused on trying to make my life easier once he was gone I was focused on trying to make his life easier while he was alive. Hopefully, we were both successful. He finished, or arranged to have finished some major projects around the house so I wouldn't have to worry about them....

Like I said there were times where we would just sit and hold hands or cuddle. I miss those times, but, there's nothing I can do to change it. Enjoy every minute you have left with him...memorize them...it will help down the road even if it's bittersweet. Say everything you want to say.

At 6:55pm on March 31, 2015, Fran said…

Kathy,

I am soooo sorry that they aren't going to radiate the liver, maybe the tumor is too small or in a bad place. Have they talked about what they do plan on doing? I know it's hard...but, you have the right to ask questions. My oncologist always gave us time to ask why certain things were being done...and he'd pay attention when I would make any suggestions and explain why it could or couldn't be done. As tough as it is YOU have to be your husband's advocate.Just today my son remarked about how, just one year ago, I was working my way thru the diagnosis and trying to get a handle on what to do.... I have you in my thoughts and prayers.

At 10:55am on March 29, 2015, Fran said…

Kathy,

I know how you feel. One year ago I found out that my husband had Stage IV lung cancer. Inoperable...the question was "when?"  He wanted to fight as long as he could so I turned my focus into supporting him and doing whatever I could to keep him as comfortable as possible for as long as possible. I used the time to kiss him, hold him, touch him because I knew time was limited. I told him how much I loved him. I let him know that I would change places in a heartbeat if I could. I let him know that I would trade any amount of money to keep him with me.We talked, we cried...said all those things that needed to be said. It was the worst year of my life watching him succumb to cancer. I took FMLA from work to be with him. As tough as the time was, I'm glad I was able to spend that time with him. Now I look forward to meeting him again in the afterlife, but, I miss him constantly. 

As difficult as this is, Kathy, you are not alone. Let us, on this site, help you. There's a reason the two of you finally met and married. You will help him thru a terrible time...and hopefully, we can help you.

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