Every morning I wake up and very briefly before the fog clears, I expect to be in my old life.  Cheryl with me or at least I hear her up doing something in the house.  But then quickly the soul crushing realization of what has happened hits me.  It wasn't a bad dream, but my life has become the bad dream.  And there is no magic wand to fix it.

I wonder if the pain varies depending on your personality or role you played in the relationship.  For so many problems over the years big and small, I was the fixer.  I was the bridge builder when we were separated for 4 months, 8 years ago.  I tried mend the relationship while she tried to abandon it.  I was successful then and we got back together.  Then 4 years ago after excessive drinking my Cheryl attempted suicide, fortunately I found her in time and got her help.  And for so many small problems she had with things or people I was usually able to straighten out.  Yet now I can't fix it.  I did not recognize the problem or call 911 in time, though with the amount of drugs and alcohol she ingested I wonder if it would have made a difference.  And I feel like I failed her.  And guilt runs through me.

If I hadn't fixed so many things in the past would it hurt as badly now.  Are those of us here suffering the most of the same personality types.  The fixers, the bridge builders, the ones that valued the relationship more, the ones that internalized our marriage vows and were not ready to quit when things took a turn for the worse?  

They say opposites attract and in many ways Cheryl and I were opposites.  One way was how we viewed our marriage.  For Cheryl divorce was always an option, for me I won't use the term never, but it was absolutely the last resort.  I would apologize at the drop of a hat for whatever infraction real or perceived I may have committed, Cheryl found it exceedingly difficult to admit mistakes.  And if Cheryl did sincerely apologize I would forgive anything, while Cheryl even had difficulty accepting apologies, unless accompanied by an expensive gift ( expensive jewelry and a car one time ).  My sister, other family members, and friends tell me they would have divorced Cheryl many years ago.  But I could not.  She was the was the love of my life for better or worse.  I guess the question playing my mind is, was I addicted to love?  Was I willing to put up with so much for the affection and overlook almost anything.  Even now with so many things that I have learned since Cheryl passed away, that were abhorrent and hidden from me, I still don't think I could have left her.  Yet she abandoned me.

I say these unflattering things and feel guilty because she did have good qualities and I adored her for them.  This is impossible to reconcile in my mind right now.

This has become a rant, it was never intended to be one.  But, it is what it is and I am not going to delete it.  It is how I feel right now.

I hope everyone has at least tolerable day.

Mark

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Comment by Mark on May 16, 2015 at 11:38am

Morgan thank you for the comments.  "Order to entropy", that's very similar to what Cheryl would say, "Entropy wins in the end".  

And it does according to current theories, in countless trillions of years all matter will evaporate and space itself cools to absolute zero, the heat death of the universe.  The universe stops changing, it can not get anymore disordered, entropy stops increasing and time stops.  

I think about these things and try to relate them to how I feel about my life.  Part of me wants to go down the enticing road of nothing matters in the end.  That we ultimately have no relevancy in the universe so why try.  But I can't.  

I write all these things on my blog in an effort to try to get to a better place, to get through this negative expansive void.  I do spend time thinking, "How can I fix myself?"  The things I know about myself is I need people in my life.  I have to come out of the reclusive shell have trapped myself in.  Being here virtually helps, but by know means is it enough.  I want to be surrounded by life.  I also feel I need to help other people, I need to be a positive additive to the lives of others.  I have considered volunteer work, I am thinking about volunteering at the nursing home where my mother is a resident.  I have not acted on that yet.

Thanks again Morgan for your comments, I relish the feedback.

I hope we both can stay off the path of "nothing matters in the end"

I wish you all the best.

Mark

Comment by morgan on May 16, 2015 at 2:13am

Mark,

Your questions are the grevious widower's litany.  We ask them, we analyze them, we repeat them, we write about them, we talk about them and we end up with no real answers.  At least no answers that bring an end to the silence of death.  The ways in which we lived and love and the ways in which our love died are like two rivers meeting at a confluence of the water's way.  Always changing, turbulent and mystical at the same time.  Order to entropy. 

I am now rudderless.  It is my worst quality and one that my husband reined in.  He gave me safe, secure direction.  I listened sometimes and most often decided he was right.  Now I am all over the map.  I was strong willed and full of ideas and he kept me grounded.  He was the guy who kept me from beaching myself on some half cocked island of rogue orphans.  Now I am just rowing alone in a circle.

You are smart.  So was I.  It's why we accepted the challenges of love.  We worked hard and through times of trouble we still knew there was no one else that fit us quite as well as our beloved. Then we had good times and those were the glue.  We stuck.  Hard.  Nothing prepares us for this getting unstuck though.  We just can't rationalize the why of not having enough time to enjoy more good times or to work out some of the other not so good times.  A long relationship has much of that which needs worked out for the person left behind.  We just wanted more time or at least that is what I wanted.  I had always loved my husband as much for the hard times as for the best of times. It's easy to love when things are going good. It takes even more love to work on it when it isn't.  

All I know now is we had achieved so much together that overwhelmingly was good I can't abide doing anything else that doesn't include him in it.  He was the love of my life.  I have known him since second grade and turned down his marriage proposal in my senior year summer.  Ten years later we re-met and both got a second chance at real love but not without some major obstacles to overcome.  We did and I wanted more time to grow old with him.  I didn't get it and like a spoiled child I refuse to live without it.  And you are right…….there is no magic wand.  No tooth fairy.  No diety to fix it.  Just a lot of pain and unanswered questions and what seems to be an interminable process of figuring out how to manage it.  

take care…...

morgan

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