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Comment by kathleen akin on May 9, 2015 at 3:24pm

Reading this breaks my heart in two and the tears just overflow my eyes. I already know I won't be able to stand losing him. I'm so sorry for everyone if you and your loss

Comment by Lisa on May 8, 2015 at 7:14pm

It amazes me how the feelings come right back as if it were yesterday and the years quiet them so very little.

Comment by kathleen akin on April 30, 2015 at 4:25pm

Yesterday ended up being the worst day so far as far as my emotions over Rocky dying goes. Started out ok, but then my boss asked me how I was doing. That's all it took. I sobbed. At work...with people coming in and me trying to get under control so they didn't see. I work in a counseling center at a college. That's no good to see the staff sobbing at work.

It just went on the rest of the day with me trying to hide out in the bathroom, crying. It would just come over me.

Then again when I got home and Rocky wanted to go see our granddaughter play softball and instead I begged him to just come home...so he did. Then all I did was sob and sob at him. Him trying to make me feel better.

Should be the other way around.  I don't know how to do this. He says he doesn't know what to do either, he's never had to die before. I begged him not to leave me. As if he can just do that.

I'm so scared. Then a Facebook friend, one of my bird loving FB friends sends me messages of hope and comfort. She has faith in God and was trying so hard to get through to me to have just a little bit of faith. I guess faith in that I will be ok when Rocky dies? I don't know. I don't have any of that kind of faith.

My world is too small. It just has him in it.

Comment by Trina Mamoon on April 27, 2015 at 8:24pm

There is so much pain and suffering on this forum, it's heartbreaking. My deepest sympathies are wit you all.

I lost my wonderful husband of 14 years (been together for 19) to lung cancer in August. He was 49. The utter pain that I feel every single day has been a little less in intensity for a month or so now. But even then, every day is a torture, a struggle. Waking up in the morning and realizing yet again that my Joseph is gone forever is a dagger in my heart. And then all throughout the day, even at work and with other people around, I have this feeling of utter loneliness and deep sadness. The thought that I will never see my beloved again, that I will never hear his voice or see his beautiful smile, that we will not hold each other again is unbearably hard. I just pray on a daily-basis, and several times a day, to be set free so that I can be reunited with my beloved Joseph soon. 

Seeing on the news that more than 4000 people died in Nepal, I was thinking why I couldn't be one of them. So many people just died leaving their loved ones behind, and here I am sitting here counting my days, awaiting my turn. Life is so senseless and cruel! I just want to be set free and be with my Joseph.

Sending you all healing vibes.

Comment by kathleen akin on April 27, 2015 at 5:00pm

I've made it until almost 4:00 without breaking down at work. He is having a good day even though they upped his medication, which makes him feel so awful.

Plus today my daughter is in town. They are close even though she is a step daughter. He has been a true father to her. His appearance now is going to shock her. I'm afraid of it, but she will see him in an hour or so. Then I know I will cry when I see her face. The cancer is just eating and eating him up! He has become an old man in the span of 1 month

Comment by Debbie on April 26, 2015 at 6:39am

I don't know what to do. My husband died in August and it still feels like yesterday . His family doesn't even call me. I am here with 2 Boys 18 and 20 . I have know one . My family leaves in a different state and so does his . So know one comes to see me . My husbands father doesn't even call to ask about his grand kids . I think that is wrong . I know he is grieving to but it should be about his grandkids . I'm trying to sell my house and I'm doing it on my own . Do you think anyone would ask me what can I do to help. I'm am now misses fix it . I feel like I'm rotting away . I have so much anger in me . I have one friend here , that leaves me when she has something better to do . Other than that I can't always depend on my high school son . I put up a great front, but it's killing me . I asked my best friend how leaves in Texas to come that I need here and it's been 8 months and she is still not here . Fuck them all know one gets it .

Comment by kathleen akin on April 26, 2015 at 12:02am

Why is it no one sees he is being eaten alive by this? I can't stand it. You stupid Drs in your stupid silly sock byes you at huntsman! Do you think this is all funny because you dress silly while my husband is talking to you about time? The time he has left bi hate everyone!!! I'm so mad! And it's all the fucked up Drs in rock springscWY who just wanted to do sleepnstudies for his symptoms. I'm gonna kill you

Comment by kathleen akin on April 22, 2015 at 3:26pm

thanks for responding Laurie. It's strange for me to think like I do, must be getting older that does it. I went through a horrible divorce 20 years ago after being with this person for 23 years. I thought I would die, I didn't. I thought I would never be happy again, but I did MUCH later when I met my wonderful Rocky.

It seems different now for some reason and all I can think why is that I'm older and less optimistic of things turning around. Plus I don't have 3 kids to take care of anymore. I just have pets. And I've lost a lot of interest in them lately which is upsetting as I was so devoted to them and they need me and I'm trying to make that have meaning.

I think its the age thing. And being alone? I don't know, I'm rambling. I'm so lost. And scared. I need to turn this around somehow.

Comment by Laurie on April 22, 2015 at 1:18pm

Hi Kathleen
My heart aches for you. My husband died March 13, 2013 from pancreatic cancer. It was horrible watching him waste away. Seven months after he was diagnosed he passed away holding my hand. We'd only been married for seven years,although we'd been together for 25, so yes his family crap was there too.
Even though I wanted to slap the s**t out of everyone who told me it would get better, that's what I want to say to you. The first year is just existing, but sometime after you start to notice little things. And those things start to build into whole hours and days without feeling like dying. Around year two you'll start to look outside of your pain to find a way to live again.
I know that you'd like to scream at this right now, believe me, I did too. But hold on, the sun will shine again

Comment by kathleen akin on April 22, 2015 at 12:47pm

Had an over the phone "session" with a therapist last night. I know she was just trying to be helpful...but it was so much yada yada yada.....bla bla bla. "be at peace and have acceptance"

I can't accept. I don't want to BE if he is not here. But I don't want him to know this. I don't want him to worry or be in pain. I want to take all of it onto myself since I'm already in a shit hole here and will never climb out without him.

I don't know why I'm grieving so hard when he's still here, but I am.

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