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Comment by morgan on April 21, 2015 at 12:09am

Tildyc & bluebird-  If you come up with any ideas of how to contravene the health of your body please share.  I have read up and other than what is already mentioned I guess salt and sugar would be the next best alternative strategies.  I am down in my weight and feel a bit of trouble swallowing of late and now reading up on heart failure I am going to start using more salt.  Diastolic I think is the key here.  I have been eating a lot more sugar which I used to be more judicious in my amounts but now its chocolate and sweet baked goods as often as my stomach will allow it.  Digestion is a lithe rocky too lately.  I guess I'll add more of that too. I'm determined.  I'm not sure what, when, if or how but whatever I can do I will do.  

BTW George, I think your gift of the bed is a good way to get Mary's spirit closer to you.  She is now going to have to sit on the chair with you……:)

Comment by George H on April 20, 2015 at 11:15pm

Tildyc it's how she always was she would help anyoneand it's going to a hospice patient so it might make it easier for those people to care for their loved one oh sure I can do this because I know she would have done this

Comment by Tildyc on April 20, 2015 at 10:40pm

That's very kind of you George. If you believe your Mary would want this then you are honoring her. I know it's very painful to do this but somebody is going to benefit from your sacrifice. And I mean it when I say that because I know it's going to be painful. So as long as you're sure about it George... Do what she would want you to do.

Comment by bluebird on April 20, 2015 at 9:54pm

George -- I understand. Only you can decide the best course of action.

Tildy -- that doesn't sound ridiculous to me at all. I feel exactly the same way. I can't take up smoking or drinking or drugs -- I really hate cigarettes, I don't like the taste of most alcohol, and drugs would likely only exacerbate my anxiety disorder.  Also because I can't afford to buy cigarettes and/or alcohol and/or drugs. Also, I can't expose our cat to cigarette smoke. But I do eat like crap and don't get any exercise at all, and I'm hoping that gives me a massive and instantly fatal heart attack.

So yeah, I understand where you're coming from.

Comment by Tildyc on April 20, 2015 at 9:30pm

I want out. This is not something I can handle anymore. I've been pondering what I can possibly do to escape this painful existence. I cannot take my own life but maybe I can find a way to make myself sick. Or significantly shorten my life. Pick up smoking? Start Drinking too much? Choose my drug of choice and self medicate until there's no more pain?

I probably sound ridiculous to most of you with those statements. I can't even believe these thoughts are even in my head. This loss of my soulmate- has completely destroyed any thread of who I used to be. This person that I am now- Is someone I would've avoided and pitied when I was normal. This person that I am now – I do not recognize and definitely does not want to continue living in this life without him in it.

Comment by George H on April 20, 2015 at 9:02pm

Bluebird I totally agree with you but I know that it's going to a hospice patient and I'm figuring does they must not have the insurance to be able to get one and I'm sure this is what Mary would want me to do

Comment by bluebird on April 20, 2015 at 8:46pm

I don't expect to ever feel any better. I know that will never happen for me, and I don't even really want it to. I don't want this "life" I'm left with to get better, I want it to end. 

For those of you who do want to feel better, I truly hope you are able to find a way in which to do that.

Nancy -- I understand a little bit what you mean.  First, because my husband died a week after our wedding, so we never got the chance to be a proper married couple (although we had been together and monogamous for nearly 13 years, so it was very much a marriage, but I mean I only got to call him "husband", to his face, for one week).  Second, because while a pet is certainly not the same as a child, we didn't have kids, and we do have a cat, and when I get home from work or from my sister's house of course he wants (and needs) to play, and I just don't have the energy. I pet him and love on him all he wants, because I do love him and I can do that while sitting down and watching tv, but he's a young, active cat, and he really needs more interactive play time with me, but I don't have the energy, and I feel like shit about that.

George -- maybe you shouldn't give away the bed just yet. You can always do so later, in 6 months or a year or whatever. "They" say that you shouldn't make any major changes for the first year after a close loved one dies....

Comment by Nancy on April 20, 2015 at 7:42pm

I have to take care of my 2 year old by myself. And all I want to do is go to bed the second I get home. But I'm supposed to feed him, and entertain him. He was sending my mood tonight, I'm sure, he screamed and moped all night long. Bedtime was when I lost it, he started crying for daddy. I just sobbed, and put him in the crib, and left the room hoping he would stop crying at some point. I'm so angry at the life we could have had if stupid f$?&ing brain cancer hadn't stolen it from us. I'm not sad that he died, I'm sad that we didn't get a chance to live a normal married life as a family.

Comment by George H on April 20, 2015 at 7:41pm

Trying to vet Mary's hospital bed ready to move tomorrow not sure I can do this it hurts so bad I miss her so much

Comment by Dianne M. on April 20, 2015 at 7:26pm

I went to the closing  on my folk house with my realtor and didnt cry. Hubbs did so much work on it and I did a last walk through and could see his handy work everywhere. I am so sad to see the house I grew up in gone but it was time. He would be so proud of me for getting these things done without him but it would have been so much better if he had been there to hold my hand.

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