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Comment by Gale Brunault on March 7, 2015 at 7:14am

Hi Lynn - I too have the last phone message from my son the night before he passed.  Not brave enough to listen to it yet - I have the words in my head from that message though and I keep playing it over in my mind.  Perhaps on the one year anniversary I'll listen.  I also have the last texts we exchanged on the eve of that last night.  We both said "I love you", I even added about 12 little hearts!  Also he told me what a great day he had, which makes me feel good to know that his last day on earth was a pleasant one.  Of course it doesn't erase the deep deep pain and sorrow I have though it does ease my mind somewhat.  

I'm comforted in knowing there's a place to go to where others can relate to my despair.  Take care

 

Comment by Lynn Williams on March 6, 2015 at 2:47pm

Will this winter ever end. I too have been feeling so sad and miss my daughter Kyra so mush. I have been feeling so house bound with temps averaging 5 degrees this month. I still have the last phone message Kyra left on my cell phone the day before she died and I replayed it today' I just needed to hear her voice again. Love to everyone here and thank you. Just coming to this page lets me know I am not alone and there are people who understand. I am so sorry for your loss Denise we are here for you. 

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on March 6, 2015 at 1:39pm

I feel the same way Dolly, very empty, sometimes there is a distraction but it's always back to the same empty, sad feeling.  I haven't had any signs like those, I sure do want them.. many hugs

Comment by Dolly on March 6, 2015 at 12:35pm

the scent of lilies, a rare sighting of a wild creature, a sound with no explanation, lights doing their own thing...

Comment by Dolly on March 6, 2015 at 12:33pm

I think everything I could possibly say I have said over and over and now I just feel emptiness that seems a permanent fixture in my heart.. its not that I don't feel immense thankfulness that I still have others I love here on earth with me.. its just that that fact never seems to change or fill the emptiness... its just there ... I miss my Brandon... that's just how it is... I desire to be in the heavenly realms as much as is possible when one is still a mere human.. not sure if its possible really...but sometimes it seems like there is a sort of crossover between here and heaven that gives us glimpses... those glimpses give me the only peace I've been able to find about his death..

Comment by Teresa D. on March 6, 2015 at 10:12am

Ditto Ammy!

Nice to hear from you!

Comment by Connie K on March 5, 2015 at 4:53pm

Ammy - it's good to hear from you. I have no words today. I just got back from the accident site where I keep flowers. Just sending everyone here old and new all the love and prayers I can send to help heal our crushed hearts...

Comment by Ammy on March 5, 2015 at 2:01pm

I haven't posted for awhile. I just had to take a break. I am so sorry to see all the new moms that are here. My heart sincerely goes out to you as you begin this life changing journey.
This past holiday season was our 5th without our son and it was actually one of the hardest. Each time I start to think that things are getting easier it seems to come back stronger. Is it the realization of how long it has been? Is it seeing the changes in others and ourselves and knowing we will not know what changes they would be having? This morning I found myself wondering if my son's hair would be turning gray now. Where do these crazy thoughts come from?
From Thanksgiving to the New Year was a real battle. Trying to put on the happy face for family and friends. I still feel like I have a monster hangover (and I don't drink) from the stress. And with my struggles to put on that happy face around others I was also thinking of you all and the struggles you were having. But now that the quietness has returned and everyone has gone back to their active lives I feel I am once again alone in the daily realization that he is not here. I truly feel so alone and abandoned.
My heart also aches for you, for all of us, and hopes that time will somehow bring gentler times during this year and especially on your special dates. We will never stop loving and missing our child(ren) because the love and memories of our loved ones are stored in us forever. As the days, weeks, and months have now passed away into years I know that the door to memories will never be closed. And sometimes I don't like the memories because the tears come, and once again I break my promise to myself not to go to that dark place. It's a constant battle between remembering and trying to forget that he is not here. This is still a daily battle, but thankfully it's not as intense as it was. And most of the time I do embrace the memories, both the good and the bad, because pictures and memories are what I now have even though they will never be enough. But this is what I'm left with.
Know that you all are in my thoughts and prayers even when I'm not here.

Comment by Marie on March 4, 2015 at 11:11am

I am so sorry for your loss. Try not to beat yourself up too badly. Bad things just happen in life. I think we all feel guilt, just part of being a mom. I know yours is unique to you, but people are here to listen. Hugs and prayers.

Comment by Maureen on March 4, 2015 at 10:40am

So sorry Denise! I hate that your son was taken from you and I hate that circumstances cause you to blame yourself. I can imagine how terrible you are feeling. My son has been gone now for over 4 months and I also feel extreme guilt but for very different reasons.

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