Thank you Shirley for your prayers.  It seems like we just get through each day.  I remember when my husband was first diagnosed, Jan. 13, 2014;  I think first I thought, this has to be wrong, and then the practical part of me thought ... how does a loving couple go through this?  What are the rules, is it OK to cry and rant and scream in front of the person who is diagnosed with terminal cancer?   But we did go through it.  However, so much pain is in me right now, sometimes I feel like I have to explode with the sorrow for myself and my son, anger, fear of the future, loneliness, helplessness, sadness, you name it.  I don't know anymore what I believe about God and the afterlife.  I HOPE that my husband will be there waiting for me, but I'm only 58 years old.  I am not going to say that I will never be happy.  I have found many female friends that have been just amazingly supportive.  I hope to still travel.  I want to go back to volunteering as I was doing before my husband died.  But when I just for a minute feel I'm doing something normal, suddenly it's like a kick in the stomach, my whole life has changed.  I will never get to grow old with my wonderful husband.  I felt in some ways that we were just getting to the best part of our lives together.  We weren't constantly worried about money, we had a nice house, our son is grown and while he still lives with me, (I wanted to say us), he has his own life.  I would never have wanted my husband to go on, and in fact was accepting of the fact that he only had a few weeks, if not days.  As it turned out, it was days.  The thing that haunts me is how terrible his manner of death was, and the pain that he endured to live through a year with such aggressive cancer.  I can't help remembering my feelings of helplessness, and inadequacy to help him in his pain.  All there was to help were more and more drugs.  It's an unbelievable feeling that I would never want to have anyone experience.  And now, I have to have these memories.  It's hard to just hold it in and not want to tell people the nightmare of someone going through this kind of illness and death. 

I wish you all the best, and hope you keep remembering all the wonderful things about your husband!