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Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on January 12, 2015 at 10:03pm

Well, I haven't been on for a while, because I became a caregiver again.  I lost my Mom actually a few yeas ago on December 8 and joined this group to help me deal with it.  I always said that the look on the girl's face who is holding the sign that says I Miss You Mom that is the picture for this group says it all.  I look in her eyes and I know those eyes - they are mine.  I look at the tightness in her features and around her mouth - and I know that expression - it is mine.  I still miss my Mom.

Since she died, I took care of my Dad and watched him die.  Then, recently I began to help take care of - well caregiver is too big a word as I didn't really do that this time around like I did for my Mom and Dad (I guess I've been a caregiver for so long I get so used to being called that that I use the term too loosely).  I wasn't really a caregiver this time - I just spent as much time as my car would get me back and forth going to visit my husband's step-mom who was also one of my best friends while she died of a brain tumor.  She died in November.  I am sad.

Well, this last week I found out that my aunt Rosemary died while I was busy with Jan and no one told me.  When things settled down with Jan I wrote a letter to Rosemary and got a letter back from her husband telling me she had died.  Then, I got a returned Christmas card from my Aunt Deretha and when I went looking on google for her new address I found out that her daughter, my cousin, Lisa had died.  And, I still can't find where my Aunt Deretha moved to - maybe this hit her so hard she is in assisted living some place but so much of my family is gone now that I'm not really getting notified, which I can understand.

And, during the years I was taking care of my Dad I lost several other relatives, with my Uncle Tommy, my Dad's brother, being the one I was most sad to hear about.  And, right before my Mom died three uncles died in a row with my Uncle Ed being the one I was most sad about.  So, it has been a lot of losses.  I think I'm okay, but I am sad.  And, I figure loosing this many people that maybe I should get back on here and talk about it and make sure I'm okay.

But the reason I got on this group is that I realized of all of them I miss my Mom the most and then my Dad the second most.  The day Jan was dying, I was in the car driving to Xenia to try to see her and she died before I got there.  I knew I was racing the clock, and I was upset.  Do you know what I did?  I picked up the phone to call my Mom about how I was feeling, and then I realized my Mom was dead.  Why did I pick up the phone to call her when I knew she was dead.  And, then the grief over loosing her came back but after all of these losses I've learned to get it back in check and not let it take me over.  But, I realized I still miss my Mom and probably still miss her for two reasons:  1) she was the most functional person in my family and my best friend and the one I loved the most above all people I've known on this planet, and 2) I've had to rush from her death to caregiving to another death and other deaths and to trying to be there for Jan and then another death and then two more deaths right after Jan and I thought, "Of course you are still grieving your Mom - you haven't had time to really grieve her loss yet."

So, here I am again with my sad story. Sorry for bringing everyone down.  And, don't worry - I'm okay.  I'm sad.  I'm a little numb.  But, I'm okay - or at least as okay as anyone could be in this situation.  I just thought it might be a good idea to talk and read what others are saying and learn from what others are going through.

Thank you for listening.

Comment by Traci Ann on January 7, 2015 at 11:30am

I thought knowing that my mom was going to pass was going to be easy on me. But the more I look back the more I wish God didn't take her home so soon. I am going to be 27. My mom won't be here to help me through having a child *if and when my bf and I do* She won't be here to help me to get ready for my wedding day *when that ever comes* I miss her so much. I miss our talks and I missed her advice. I just miss her love so much. I feel like there are days that I can't go on or I don't want to go on because the pain is so bad at times. Not only do I miss her but I miss my dad too... I am so lost without them both. :( Wish I knew what to do. 

Comment by Casey on January 5, 2015 at 6:31pm

life is a dream. We will wake up when we die. i dont care about time or the clock.

Comment by Danny on January 5, 2015 at 2:43pm

Its the first full calendar year on my own and I still cant really believe I even made it somehow.  For me the pain is everlasting as I make my way through day to day and important decisions.  Its so tough and I am using the tools given to me to make these decisions.  In general though I decided to freeze things for the full year but now the challenges are here to face on my own.  Nervous.

Comment by Nicole on January 5, 2015 at 2:22pm

On Wednesday, it will be 1 year since my mother was taken from us. The grief is still right on the surface, especially this close to Christmas and my nephew's 1st birthday. She missed so much - it's not fair. I can't get over just how unfair it all is. She was 61 and the best of us.

Comment by Ruth Dykiel on January 5, 2015 at 2:16pm

It's been 1yr since my mom passed away and I still miss her so much. Then the day after Christmas last year 2014 my beautiful golden retriever Goldie passed away.

Comment by Angela Y on December 28, 2014 at 9:10am

First Christmas without mom and my heart ached all day. While I tried hard to count my blessings not having my mother here made it so difficult. Will it ever get better? I can't take another holiday like the one this year

Comment by Danny on December 27, 2014 at 5:23pm

Brette you make it a holiday and even more if you wish.

Comment by Danny on December 23, 2014 at 11:58am

Tough these days as it is going to be the first full calendar year since the shock.  Dazed at times.

Comment by Brette Stinson on December 14, 2014 at 6:34pm

Wow! I cant believe it has been a year since I last posted. I often wonder how does God select us to be the individuals that have to lose. I lost my mother and step father within a year of one another and I lost my biological dad 12 years ago. Maybe its just me being selfish but I wish there was a holiday for people like us that have lost our mothers. People just dont understand until it happens to them...I just wish my mother was here! Life is so hard without her!!!

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