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Comment by Ammy on November 30, 2014 at 6:56pm

Oh Sandy, I am so sorry.  It really saddens me to read what you wrote.  My eyes teared up because I never would want to be back at 5 weeks.  I was still in shock and disbelief then.  And the pain will intensify at times as it becomes reality.  I'm at 228 weeks and still counting.  It's a lifelong journey but there will be easier days.  Hold on.  Go slow and be gentle with yourself.  It's your grief and no one travels the exact same road.  Do whatever helps you that is not harmful.  The group is always here to help and support.

Sending heartfelt love from a mom that understands it all.

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on November 30, 2014 at 3:55pm

I agree with Ammy, I got through Thanksgiving okay, but Friday was just awful, had a dream about Randy that he was here and he was happy and when I woke up at 5:00 a.m. I had to get up so I wouldn't just lay in bed and cry because the dream wasn't real.  Wow the hurt is so deep and awful.  Got a couple of Christmas boxes out and the first things I see are little items he made in school when he was so little.  The Holidays will be so awful, I want to buy him clothes and mainly I just want to see him and have him here.  Somehow with more time that goes by it all seems more real and the pain intensifies.  Last time I talked to him was 5 weeks today.  I can't believe he is not here.  I dont' think I will ever feel whole or okay again.  How can you when part of you is gone.

Comment by Dolly on November 29, 2014 at 2:07pm

CONNIE... hugs... I so understand what you mean ... I lie on Brandon's mattress where he died and close my eyes and let the feeling of him permeate me ... and it makes me cry but it makes me feel him close too... this past week we had company and gave them our bedroom so they could have a private place to spread out... so we slept in Brandon's bed here at home... again the feeling of him... the missing him made so sharp but the glow of feeling him in some mysterious indescribable way... yesterday after our company left we were watching TV... a Christmas movie I think... and I suddenly smelled the aroma of LILIES.. so strong and lovely.... I buy lilies to put on Brandon's little corner table whenever I can find them... not sure why but the smell of lilies seems to bring him close... and later when my husband caught me crying in the kitchen near his little table he asked me if I was missing my grandkids already [they left yesterday] and I said no I was missing Brandon.. and he said "funny ... I was just in his room telling him goodnight"... we never lose the need to be with them, near them, somehow, someway.... at least I don't.... I talk to him all the time and every night tell him how much I miss him when we say our prayers... his brother Bo and I... sometime Bo acts a bit put out with me when I do... I wonder if he somehow knows better than I where Brandon is now and what its like there.. he has always seemed to have a special spiritual awareness of things heavenly Bo has... maybe he thinks I'm being dumb to miss Brandon when where he is is so much better for HIM... I don't know... but I do know that need to try to be near him somehow.... so my tears and hugs and thoughts and prayers are with you now ....

Comment by Ammy on November 29, 2014 at 1:09pm

Haven't been here to read the posts for a few days.  Don't even have the energy right now to do it.  Holiday depression setting in and I know I can't win if I fight it so just going with the flow.

Connie, I had to sign in today though because I want to let you know that I'm thinking of you today.  I get the Saturday thing.  For me it's Wednesday.  The date is just a number.  I would hope you would have some comfort today even though I know it will be hard, but maybe, not impossible.

I read all the posts, all your thoughts and feelings, and I know them very well.  It amazes me that we all have similar reactions or feelings.  I go through periods of acceptance but I will still fantasize sometimes that he is coming home.  

Friday was much harder for me than Thanksgiving day.  And this morning was even worse.  I need to distract myself.

Have you ever wondered how many times a day you think of your child?  I do.  It seems as if he is always on the edge of my thoughts ready to enter in.

May we all be blessed with some kinder, gentler days.  

Comment by Connie K on November 28, 2014 at 12:38pm

Thanks for your kind words everyone.

Comment by Tracy Huston on November 28, 2014 at 10:37am

You know in a way I guess it's good that Jim wasn't at the last few holidays with us from being in treatment or whatever bc I don't miss him at the table as much. It's not as fresh like the empty chair.. But always trying to find him gifts for Xmas was a challenge so I was always watching for unusual things for him so this season will be tough. Been 15 months for me.

Comment by Teresa D. on November 28, 2014 at 9:08am

Your right Laurie, I too spent the first year thinking I could negotiate his return and kept thinking he would appear and all this would be explained as a horrible joke.  But now I realize this is it.  Michael is NOT coming home, he is no where to be found.

I spent yesterday with family and thought I was doing good until the end came and I broke down and cried all the way home.  My Michael was the only one missing from the table so it was hard not to be reminded that my Michael is gone. 

Comment by Jesse's Mom on November 27, 2014 at 5:49pm

Connie, wishing you gentleness as you approach this second anniversary date of your son...I think we are on a similar timeline in regards to loss...it seemed like the first year I was just waiting, waiting and waiting for him to come home through that back door...maybe it isn't logical, but it was the way it was...by now, I think my heart has caught up with some of my brain...and the reality of this all hits one full in the face...

I too have replayed so many events from that day too, if only I would have saw the most obvious thing...hard to stop replaying those kinds of thoughts...I have only been to the accident site twice...

For the second anniversary I prepared some food ahead of time and bought some healthy drinks just so there was something in the house....that way I could just try and get through the actual day, it does seem like the lead up days are sometimes worse...

Sending you a hug Connie..

 

Comment by Tracy Huston on November 27, 2014 at 5:24pm

Well said, Connie. I used to go back to that night and that time a lot but as time goes on I don't punish myself as much. But sometimes I do - esp during the holidays and anniversaries... Hang in there. It's hard. Terribly hard.

Comment by Connie K on November 27, 2014 at 3:48pm

I will visit the accident site also on Saturday. I do this because it was the last place he was on this earth. And I will not rest until we get the city to make that road safer!!

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