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Comment by kim on October 1, 2014 at 10:24am

the fifth will be 11 months since my son shawn went away. so much pain in my heart its hard to breath at times. dolly im so very numb all the time. I just keep asking why my only child, why my son.  why not me. my life now is just crying, hurting and so empty. I know nothing will ever be the same, and I will never be the same again. but to live on with out him, I just cant.  I cant feel any more.  I miss him so much and love him with everything I have.  hugs to everyone and love     kim

Comment by Dolly on October 1, 2014 at 9:47am

Vasanthi are you MOVING to India permanently? or is it a second home and you will still live in New England?

I am so numb I can't think what to say to anyone in here except I ache in my heart for you all... losing Brandon has totally changed me into a person I don't even know or understand anymore... my joy is gone and I don't seem to be able to even care that it is gone... my life is just so strange now... its hard to believe it was ever any different... and its hard to hope or feel anything but empty ..it seems impossible to hope and trust now but I know I have to try or I will just sink down into the hole Brandon left and never come out... and I can't do that because my husband and other kids need me.... but sometimes ... most all the time... it seems beyond my control.... one step at a time I guess.... some days one step seems too much... many many if not most days...

Comment by Connie K on September 30, 2014 at 9:18pm

Linda I will be sending you lots of love and prayers tomorrow.
LR hang in there. Thank you all for being here.

Comment by Linda on September 30, 2014 at 9:05pm

tomorrow is my daughters birthday. she died on march 18th 2014. I have 2 beautiful grandchildren Jashai and Nalani now 7 and 3 respectfully as they had a birthday on the 9th and 10th of this june. I am now in and out of court with the children so I have a bitter sweet moment of which to remember the birth of my only child Desiree' tomorrow. God be with me.

Comment by Jesse's Mom on September 30, 2014 at 8:34pm

From Connie, "I manage the pain better now but still become overwhelmed with disbelief and horror that this has happened and that this is my life and that I will never hold my sweet boy in my arms again. How can this be? And how can people not see that our grief will never end? Because our love for our children never will."

So true. This is how I wake up every morning now. As my mind awakens, my first screaming thought is I cannot believe my beloved son is dead. His body is buried about 16 miles north of where my house is. My sleeping area faces north which is the direction of the cemetery. I do not think I am doing well.

Comment by anne on September 30, 2014 at 8:03pm

Bern I feel your pain today.

If all of you could feel, and see what I see here you would know that you are all wise beyond your years. I hope one day you will all feel your own strength, and see how really important each, and every one of you are. Sometimes it's good for me to just stay quiet, and read your posts. Everyone here teaches me something new all the time. Peace and Love to all

Comment by Lynn Williams on September 30, 2014 at 1:58pm

Bern, thinking of you today on the second anniversary of your son's death.  I don't think the painful memories of how our children passed ever eases, but I hope you experience some loving memories of your son today. Vasanthi,  I am glad being with Craig in India has brought you comfort and a sense of relief. Hope you experienced many warm memories of Shreyas in your shared home.  The one thing that continues to bring me peace is working in my garden and I am not looking forward to winter. Love and support to all here Lynn

Comment by Julie V on September 30, 2014 at 12:54pm

it is true...the old me is gone and an empty shell remains, the old "things" that used to be important no longer are. I live in constant worry my remaining loved ones will die too.

Comment by Connie K on September 30, 2014 at 11:04am

Dear Bern

I am so sorry for your painful memories. The anger pops up and there is nothing you can do to the ones who killed our children. For your grand daughter's sake, don't let that anger hurt YOU! If I dwell on the person who caused the accident that killed my son, the anger takes over and there's not a damn thing I can do about it so I had to try to forgive. Not for him but for me and those that I love. Know that you are not alone during this difficult time <3

Comment by Vasanthi S on September 30, 2014 at 4:59am

Been here less often in the past 3 weeks. Connie, This is the home my son and me were for the past 10 years and it holds memories and lot of fun times with Shreyas. My parents too are next door so it was really nice. Since i came here alone before Craig did I thought i would be ok alone but it has been really horribly painful. I came and fell ill with some cold n fever viral and that took its own sweet time. Not a single night after I had been here could I sleep and it wouldnt be untill the wee hours of the morning that I can. Many of my friends feel that Oh All is ok now since I got married but how can one relationship negate the mother son bond? and they even say why think about that now?as if my son being not here means oh fine he has gone so you dont think about it!!! we just need to not allow these comments to make us feel bitter as no one will understand.

Seeing Craig on the 28th late evening( my son's birthday) I felt a huge sense of relief and love for the man I married as he has tried hard to support all of the me which is nowadays so often without any enthusiasm or eagerness for the morrow. That whole day i was so out of sorts and had gone to the temple where I got some measure of peace as Shreyas and me would go there together and many times I had seen him stare at the idol with so much focus that I used to wonder what is he thinking about. In the car on the way to pick up Craig I kept fighting back tears and my throat was hurting with the effort. Later after seeing my husband and talking to him its been better.

Connie I also dread the time when I will have to sell this home because soon my parents are relocating to Puttaparthi and Craig and me will take another place in the nearby hillstation where it is cooler and more quiet as Craig likes it. In crowded cities it gets noisy but I get a sense of comfort from the crowds and people. Craig says we will work out a middle way where we both are confortable as back in Groton its a quiet wooded area very lovely but not many people but I am slowly making friends and I find the people very helpful and caring.

Dolly, Teresa, Bern, Kim, Chelle, Michelle, Julie V,Lynn and all others here, my heartis with you all, it hurts reading about the enormous heartache we go through, and I am there for each and everyone of you anytime however I can be of help

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