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Comment by Ammy on September 18, 2014 at 10:29am

I feel so lost this week.  Back to the sudden tears out of nowhere.  It's so hard facing the fact that this is my life now.  Our lives now.  We will never be as we were before.  Maybe better at times, but never whole.

My heart is with all of you.  I know how it is and feel helpless that I can't help.  I can only offer my support and prayers/wishes for your having easier days.  They are now gifts that we took for granted, so I always pray for them for all of you.

Stay in the day.  Focus on today.  Never thought I would be living this way, but I guess whoever said, "one day at a time" knew something I didn't know before.

Sending blessings of peace for each of you.

Comment by Dolly on September 18, 2014 at 8:47am

it all just makes me so TIRED and SAD... every day I find myself just drifting off no matter what I'm doing and going to thoughts of Brandon and I try to see him in my mind laughing and smiling and loving life like he was when he was here on earth with me... I want to see into Heaven and KNOW he is still laughing and smiling and loving life... I have no desire to live a long time now... if ever I did... I know I MUST live long enough to take care of my other disabled son as long as he is alive because there is only me and my husband and he would soon die if he had to leave us and go into a 'facility'... I think they call them that because they 'facilitate' the end to guys like mine... not ALL of course... but I never want him to have to go to one.. but after HE is gone.. if I last that long... I don't want to stay anymore in this world... I do NOT want to outlive my husband... there's just nothing left for me then... my other son up in NE never calls or emails or even acknowledges MY emails.. I have stopped calling because its always voice mail and no call backs... I'm very very sad that this is the way it is, but I'm committed to living here until my other son here with me is gone because of the support systems here that take care of him.. I can't transfer that support to NE without long involved waiting processes that might never actually 'kick in' for him.. and its getting harder and harder to travel all that way to see the rest of my family... and except for my oldest son's visit down here with his family each Thanksgiving, none of my family ever visits, ever HAS visited... I guess I have been disowned... who knows... who cares anymore... I do miss my grandchildren and my oldest son but what can I do?  Most of all I miss my sweet Brandon who truly knew how to love... I love you so much my darling boy....

Comment by Vasanthi S on September 18, 2014 at 7:58am

Teresa,

I can truly understand and we live with all this everyday. So many unanswered questions and especially with someone where there was no problem asking questions and getting them answered, its all the more painful. So we just have to think that all is well given the beautiful nature of our children they are surely fine, and we have to keep them close to our hearts and feed them with love and nurture them with with prayers.

Comment by Teresa D. on September 18, 2014 at 5:45am

I never got to see my son. He laid there all weekend alone.  They wouldn't allow me anywhere near him.  This tears at me,  on one hand I'm glad I didn't see what my ex-husband saw and on the other hand my baby left without the touch of his mother.  

We talked for several hours on the phone and he was found with the phone in his hand.  Did he hang up and fall or was he trying to call me back?  Did he know what was happening? Was he scared? 

Yesterday I was starting to eat dinner when I started to worry if he ate. Then I realized how stupid that thought was. 

Lynn your right.....my mind is the hamster running around the wheel.

 

Comment by Vasanthi S on September 18, 2014 at 12:58am

Michelle,

Thanks and am recovering and wish 

i could speed up the damn virus out of my system. I have my local cell here and the landline so the US cell number is active for wats app and other things which can be done with the wifi.. I have the computer and local numbers and since almost everyone is here communication is not a problem. I don't want you to waste money and msg so am not sending the local number :) Shreyas's birthday is on the 28th and 3 years have gone by and he would have been 30. Craig is reaching here on the 28th soin the morning I will just go to the temple me and Shreyas used to go to and probably stare at ' God' and come back.

L R, Jesse's mom I know how difficult it is to accept the death of our children and how we feel so much because they were simply the sweetest and best kids around. It does seem unfair to have people who have committed so many crimes to live on isnt it? but who is to say that they have happy lives? Whatever the crime , the punishment will be fair and just. Please try to hold on to the fact that your son was good and sweet and definitely will not be suffering. When we compare with people all around its a losing battle for what we dont have will always pinch. Let it rest and keep your son's love and yours for him burning strongly in your heart, I think the best tribute is to live well and give of ourselves as much as we can . There are days when I feel empty and hollow so I know its easy to talk about giving but slowly the heart will fill up and we will find the joy needed within to share it.

Comment by Jesse's Mom on September 17, 2014 at 7:07pm

The person who killed my son is still running around hiding from the law even though she has a nationwide warrent for her arrest...she was "very bad news" for a long time...and yet my son is the one taken...his life gone...

Comment by Jesse's Mom on September 17, 2014 at 6:58pm

I talked just about everyday to my son...sometimes more than that...the last three years he was alive I had left my employment and downsized any working hours...I am so thankful I did...

What is odd is that I had made this decision in an October...of 2009...I was at a Women's Retreat and the speaker was a Physician's Assistant who was having a hard time managing her work-life balance...it was affecting her physically...and she had just lost her brother...when I heard that story I was in a difficult job at the time...very stressful....I gave it up and from that I was able to experience so many bonding moments with my son...all I ever needed was just to be with him...he was a very peaceful kind of person...hurting people were often drawn to him because he would listen to their stories...hear their pain...it had a calming effect....

Last night my daughter told me of a headline that a 93 year old man was just now being charged with crimes he had committed against humanity during the Holocaust...I think, why did he get the full life...why did my son draw the "short straw"...he was so good to people...and it just did not matter...

Comment by Jesse's Mom on September 17, 2014 at 6:48pm

Lynn, this is so true from what you posted....part of the deepest struggles...

 

I don't know why we dwell on being with our loved one. Maybe it is because, in life, we were there for them. If they needed us, all they had to do was call. Now, there is no cell to where they are. We don't know where they are or if they need us. We are tortured from the not knowing. If we could know, without any doubt, that they were happy, they were doing good, would we still want to follow? Or would we be a little okay with waiting until our time comes? Our minds go over this same ground as though it were a hamster on a wheel, forever going around and around with the same questions without answers. Even those with deep faith can have the same thoughts. It is not a sin or wrong to think this way. It is not a loss of faith. It is human, only human.

Comment by Michelle H on September 17, 2014 at 1:08pm

Lynn, what you shared was profoundly beautiful and true. It's so "easy" to want to give up and give into the incredible grief. But there ARE others we love and who love us and we were left here for a reason. None of it makes sense now, but hopefully, when we join our loved ones, it will. Thanks so much for taking the time to share that.

Comment by Michelle H on September 17, 2014 at 1:06pm

Vasanthi, feel better fast! Sorry to hear you've gotten sick. How did you celebrate Shreyas' birthday? Is Craig coming soon to join you? Prayers! I sent you a text, but I suspect you can't get them so far away from the States.

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