I'm 26. My mother died 3 weeks ago on August, 4th 2014. She died at the age of 42, her birthday was coming up on August 21.She was visiting my disabled brother three hours away from her home & died in a hotel. Past few years we had a difficult relationship. My mom had a rough life. She tried her best raising us, even if she was poor. After her mom died in 96 she started taking a turn. My mom was a lesbian/Bisexual. She was with her partner since 2001 & her partner died this past November. They both raised me. They died almost 9 months apart! Guess they were soul mates. Basically my step mom pushed my mom away because she didn't want her to see her like that. She went back to Houston and rekindled with my father. They were never married. Past few years my mom has been heavily addicted to Xanax and pain pills. The last time I saw her was the beginning of February. I was moving to Florida with my gf and stopped by her to see her. Our first day was great. She was sober. The 2nd night I saw her, she was in the bathroom smoking spice( fake weed) passed out on the floor. I couldn't stand to see her like that. She has kids? why?? So i just left. After a few days after I got to Florida we had a conversation on the phone, we argued and that was the last time I ever spoke to her. My mom was my heart, and I loved her more than I loved myself. I just couldn't see her doing that to her self. I told her when we get our own place in Florida I will send for her. We still haven't got our place yet. The reason I couldn't take her right then is because my gfs father and family is a major pill head & i didn't want her around that. I never told her that, but i'm sure she understands now. My mom had nothing to her name. She ran her whole life. Everything she has is currently at my step moms old house & my step grandma probably won't give it to me. She is not a good person & didn't like us because of her lifestyle. which brings me to my moms family. They haven't spoke or seen her in ten years because she was a lesbian. but, now, they come around. What hurts the most is I found out ( after she died) that my mom has been trying to get ahold of me. She even called & texted me a few hours before she died. thats where i have the regrets. Had I known she was trying to call me I wouldve answered. My gf broke her phone 7 months ago, and we still have yet to get it fixed & thats why i didn't answer. All i know about her death is that she was drinking that night ( she never drinks) & i guess she took pills. My dad was drunk. They went to the hotel & he went to Mcdonalds across the street to get them somethin to eat. He came back she was sitting at the table. He gave her the food & he went to sleep. Next morning he found her dead on the floor. With foam out of her nose & mouth and if i remember correctly blood. According to the detective- nothing was found out of the ordinary on the autopsy so its pending tox reports.. By law I am the next of kin, since I am the oldest, and she was never married. Being 4 states away from her & being poor like she was. I came as fast as I could. Her family came down ( who was never around). They tried to convince me to turn over my rights. So they can take control over it & pay for everything. I was in town the next day. They wanted me to contact the cremation/funeral place to see if we can view her as they were leaving the next day. I called and the director said they couldn't do it till Monday. They got mad & said they are not paying a dime & it was up to me to pay everything. Are you kidding me? it was always up to me. thats MY mom. not yours. My mom was living off of social security. & she had 450 to her name. My father gave the money to my uncle to hold because he didn't want it. Found out after after that they told me they sent it back to SSI, which was a lie, i found out it was because they didn't want me to have it. Excuse me? She would want it to go to her KIDS. Also found out that the reason they wanted me to sign over my rights was so because they could pay for it & would not allow me to be there. Anyways I paid for it. All I could afford was a direct cremation, but we got to see her tho. Only 6 people saw her. & the part of the family that was trying to take control never got to see her i think my mom did that on purpose lol. I couldn't afford to transport her to her home so we did it in a town she never even lived in. Regardless I know shes proud of me. All i have left of her is a small suit case of her belonging. Hardly any pictures. everything is at her old house. which i probably never will get :(. She has came to my brother & my dad in their dreams. But, why hasn't she came to me? maybe it's because i don't remember my dreams? She does physical stuff tho. For instance. On aug 4th 30 mins before I got the call that my mom died. Our fire exit alarm door was open and our alarm was loud & going off. I passed the door 1 min prior. I watched the camera and nobody was around there. Maybe she was giving me a warning because i got the call 30 mins later. had stuff here & there going on with me as well. Today I was in the backroom and the door shut. wtf. I know she is with me. always. i also spoke to a psychic medium & it was freaky. everything was true. 

Views: 222

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

me 2 jason

if i cud invent a tim machin i wud go bk in tme 2 spend or do thngs difrent of famly i lost or frinds i lost or so on

so sorry for yore loss

so not fair grief

jo

It's amazing how people in our families can be cruel when a loved one dies..she may have not come to you in a dream because she knows you knows where she's at in heaven..

I understand the problems associated with complex relationships and how the feelings of grief manifest in ways when relationships with the deceased are unresolved and complex emotions are involved.

The regrets can be very powerful and confusing and difficult to work with.

I am lesbian also and transgender and I understand how people can make things difficult for us and the dynamics that can become very complex.

I know also the stress that poverty can add to the situation.

I also know drugs very well and the addiction to pharmaceuticals can be utter devastation.

The last three years of my relationship with Carol Ann we fought more than we had a good time.

I even had a fight with her when she was sick and dying .

Her process of passing was very fast and somewhat unusual for the disease she had .It was andvanced TB.

I believe she got it in prison .

She was a councillor in San Mateo prison CA.

I understand how these ambivalent relationships are so complex to greive.

You must have felt very close to your mom.

Your grieving will take time and you must be prepared to give it allot of time and be very gentle with your self in the process.

You know even the fighting with Carol Ann and the fracturing of our relationship was a form of intimacy for us and when she passed 24/8/2013 all my structure fell to pieces.

I loved her through the entire 17 years of our highly unconventional relationship often in oblique ways. We where always there for each other and she was my best friend despite the friction that we often generated.

The drug issues must have complicated your feeling so so much.

Im so sorry you are suffering at the moment and offer my support as much as I can.

Again you sound like you where very close to your mother and loved her dearly.

I know im not saying much in content other than to assure you that you are NOT alone here on this site.

All of us are having a rough time of it and are trying our best with it all.

Every dynamic of grief is different and there is no timetable for greif.

We all go through it in our own way.

With Carol Ann she was never going to die.

I thought it was impossible but than she did ,just like that.

It was and still is a dreadful experience and shock.

Love to you and please look after your health both mental and physical and spiritual.

She would have wanted that im am sure.

lis

RSS

Latest Activity

Speed Weasel posted a blog post

Assumptions

An assumption is an unexamined belief: what is thought to be true without ever really realizing that we think in that way. For better or worse, understanding starts with entertaining the idea that something is true.  Truly profound thoughts generally come to light from the relaxation of these (flawed) assumptions.  This is where I find myself today...Perhaps, one of the more significant drivers to pushing down the loss and grief at the time of the accident, ignoring it and mindlessly walking…See More
Mar 13
Profile IconCari Jo Converse, Jennifer and James D. Thornsberry joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Mar 13
Profile IconMarina Dsouza, Leah, Sandra M Aaron and 5 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Mar 5
esther joined HollowHeart's group
Thumbnail

Sibling Loss

This group is for anyone that has lost a brother or sister. Sibling loss is often minimized and people don't realize how devastating losing a sibling can be. I lost my older sister and my life will never be the same. She was my only sibling, I looked up to her, I went to her for everything. I lost my past, present and future. It is traumatic.See More
Mar 4
Speed Weasel posted a video

Sun Keeps Risin'

Provided to YouTube by The Orchard EnterprisesSun Keeps Risin' · Lissie · Elisabeth Corrin Maurus · Martin CraftMy Wild West℗ 2015 Lionboy RecordsReleased on...
Feb 26
Speed Weasel posted a blog post

Triggers Continue to Surface

Late February is a challenging time of year for me.  Jen’s birthday is the 23rd and serves as an annual reminder of all of the potential that was lost…Her’s (mainly), mine, the world’s honestly.  This year she would be 52…It is increasingly hard to imagine, through all of the iterations possible, what she could have become, what was to be her (significant) impact on the world.That being said, things, emotions, have largely settled down since I committed a potential version of what could have…See More
Feb 15
Michelle joined Gyla Lynn Darden's group
Thumbnail

Loss of a child In memory of my son or daughter

This group focuses on healing ourselves and each other over the death of a child and welcomes a Christian atmosphere to help with the healing process. I welcome all of those grieving.See More
Feb 8
Tammy McLaughlin and Rosie are now friends
Jan 30

© 2024   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service