I am not proud, but I am facing the honest truth that I am the other woman.  The pain in losing my best friend and man I love after 12 years to a heart attack is excruciating. How have you grieved, when your sorrow doesn't make sense to any one else?  I do not want my desire to feel comforted be at the expense of hurting anyone else or his reputation by my disclosure of what a close and precious relationship we shared.  I ask to not be judged, though I realize I would deserve it.  I truly want to heal and overcome this heavy sense of sorrow.  I know he would want me happy, I just don't know how to do it without him.

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Hi CJ - I lost my best friend/lover a year ago to brain cancer. I know how you feel. You have to grieve in silence and it's horrible. I'm still grieving and I always will. He was the love of my life. Do you sense him still with you? I have had dreams of my Nino and it's like we have conversations and I feel like I'm losing my mind. Your sorrow makes sense to me, it's like a part of you died with him.

Cathy,

I am so sorry about your loss.  Grieving alone is so hard.  I go to his grave, but I can't comfortably spend time there for fear that his family may arrive.  I in no way want to complicate what they are feeling. 

I try to sense him, but I just don't.  I haven't dreamed of him, and I want to, just to feel like he is near, even if only in my dreams.  But you say when you dream about your Nino that it makes you feel like you are losing your mind.  Is it not comforting for you to see him again?  Should I not be so anxious to dream about Pat? Should I be grateful that I don't have to experience the loss over and over?

You are so right when you say "it's like a part of you dies with him".  No question it did.  How do we rebuild ourselves?  How do we stop missing everything about them?  How do we not compare every other man to them?

I want to reply to you about this subject when I get a chance. Please remind me. I'm foggy right now.
CJ - I visit his grave too and know how you feel about not wanting to run into his family. Email me at catrich1964@gmail.com and we can chat more privately if you like

Hi I am also grieving the loss of my lover. We were together for 12 years and he died suddenly this past fall. No one knows, and I can't talk to anyone about it. We were both married to others. I have experienced grief before but not without being able to talk to others about it. Jean

Isn't it something when you feel so alone and all of a sudden come upon a web-site with others expressing the exact emotions that you are feeling?  I lost the one that I loved in January but live 1000 miles away from where he lived, so I don't know what happened during his last days.  The cancer took him so quickly that I'm still in shock.  He sent me his last e-mail 17 days before he passed away, saying that it was not going to end well and for me to get ready for it.  That he was.  Never heard another word from him.  Next thing I knew I read an e-mail from a mutual friend that he had died.  I have never been so sick and sad and alone in my life.  Of course, I can't tell anyone .  He had a wife and a daughter that would be devastated if they knew and I would never do anything to hurt him or them.  Just like someone else that posted here, I sometimes feel like I am losing my mind.  I can't catch my breath and feel faint sometimes.  I know that what we did was wrong but I am not sorry for the time that I spent with him.  And I am a Christian and should ask forgiveness.  I am so totally miserable right now that I don't know which way to turn.  I feel like I am in a daze.  And I am married and am not being fair to my husband.  I don't have very many more years to make this up to him because he is in his 80's now.  But I have to ask, how do I quit loving this wonderful man that I lost and start loving my husband again and how do I go on living when all I want to do is to die, too?

We were only together 3 times because of the distance.  He was someone that I had loved since I was 15 years old, the very first that I had sex with, but fell in love with all over again when we met at a class reunion a couple of years ago.  He made me laugh all the time and he told me that someone had told him that if he could make a woman laugh, he would hold a piece of her heart forever.  Truer words were never spoken, so he holds all of my broken heart today.

 

Right now, in this fresh, raw state, I feel I desperately want to make a connection to the other person who shared his life, but the consequences would probably only hurt me, apart from ruining his reputation & letting him down. But at the moment I feel like nothing matters, it doesn't matter anymore who knows. I'm past caring about anything. I strongly feel I want our love acknowledged now! I know I can't do that, but is it normal to have these feelings so strongly that I almost feel I could tell her about it, just to acknowledge our love, feel a connection to the other person in his life & I would love to be able to get & give comfort. Of course that wouldn't happen, I'd be shut out & despised & it would hurt me even more. But how normal are these feelings? Does anyone else feel them?

I have your same feelings every single day, Suzy.  I want so badly to be close to something, anything that he was part of.  But just like you, I know that I can never do that.  First of all, because I love him too much to ever hurt him or his family like that.  His daughter has a Facebook page that I look at all the time, hoping to get some inkling about what is happening in her life or her Mother's life.  I want so badly to ask to be her friend and just tell her that I was a friend of her Dad's and am just wondering how she and her Mom are doing.  But I don't want to ever create any suspicion in his family's eyes.  I think the most difficult part of all this is not knowing anything and being so isolated.  I keep an online journal and have since he and I started this and have written in it almost every day for the last 4 years.  Times when I would be upset because he couldn't do what I would want him to do and happy times when I was so in love that I was bursting at the seams.  I can't go back and read a lot of it because it just brings me further down than I already am.  I haven't ever felt like I would want to tell his wife or daughter.  He treasured his reputation, in their eyes, of being an upstanding guy because a lot of his life he just had a good time and really wasn't much a of stand up guy.  That's the reason that I couldn't ever say anything to her.  And also I have a reputation of being a good Christian lady with lots of church friends who I wouldn't want to disappoint if they ever found out.  And then there is my husband that I have been married to for 33 years that I am trying to figure out a way to love again.  But how do you love two men at the same time? I always told my person that I was a "one man woman"  And I am and don't know how to fix that.

We weren't together very often, we never even ate a meal together because of us both being married and afraid that we would run into someone we knew.  But I didn't care.  I just wanted to be with him and I still have a heartbreakingly difficult time believing he is gone and that I won't ever be with him again.  This whole experience has changed me to my very core and I will never, ever be the same again.

So, you are not alone, Suzy. I will pray for you to have peace and for God to heal your broken heart.

Annie, ALL your words could have come from my mouth! It is all so similar to us. I want to start feeling a bit more up to it so I can write more about it, but right now, I'm medicated& can't think straight to write all I want to write to you. Please keep contacting me so we can share & help each other. (seashells1602@gmail.com). It's such a blessing to find people who are in exactly the same situation, something I thought I was totally alone in. My thoughts &love to you &please find some peace. X

CJ, I think the hardest part, other than the loss we feel, is not being able to share it with anyone.  I am normally a very private person.  That's the reason that I haven't been to a counselor.  And anyway, don't know if I would be able to talk about it to anyone face-to-face. Because the guilt I feel, not only comes from the fact that I sinned but also from the fact, that I believe my sin's consequences caused my person's death.  That guilt is so so devastating because all he wanted to do was to grow old with his wife and see that his daughter (who he loved more than life) was situated in a good life to go forward.  I can't even think right now.  It comes in waves and this one is a big one.  

I totally agree, and I'm the same private person who won't see a counsellor. Though I'm going to have to do something, as the pain is too much to bear . It's only 3 days. Does it get better?
What a miracle to find this group! My grief is only 3 days old & when I'm feeling up to it, I'd love to share my story. It's incredible to read the exact words & feelings I'm going through in this kind of loss, where it is private & you can't share with the people who knew him or the other person who shared his life. I so badly want that connection, but as you say, it'd hurt him to disclose our love to his partner. My soul has gone, my reason, my love & light. And I cannot accept it & grieving alone is so much harder.
One thing I must say to you, NEVER feel you have sinned, or that you deserve to be judged.This incredible love is a rare thing, and, being a religious person, the "rules" say no. But I don't believe this love is sent to us to ignore. It's given to us for a reason & we need to grab it when that happens. I believe God brought us together. The circumstances were not ideal, but He must have had a reason for that. But never feel guilty or that you've done wrong. He obviously had that love for you too, otherwise he would not have needed you when he had a wife.
Glory in the love you had, that no one else had with him. You are special. Your love is special.
I only hope this excruciating pain I'm going through will ease, though I can't imagine it. I can't imagine life at all.

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