Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
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Thinking of you Adrianne this is so hard. We both lost our children on August 17th. Sending hugs to Linda, LR, and Kim we will all survive and get through this together.
I realize now that my deepest pain after losing my daughter Desiree' is my guilt. Guilt from not being more of a friend instead of just a mother. Even though she was 31 I reflect that I didn't appreciate her personal interests as a friend would, instead I would ridicule her telling her she spent too much grooming, which as a mother of 2 young children I felt she shouldn't have that much time on her hands. But you see...that's what she enjoyed. Making herself look as beautiful on the outside as I know she was on the inside. Yes, it's the guilt that I carry that hurts me the most. If only I knew there would not be time to make right what I now will never be able to tell her these things. That she was my best friend. That I'm sorry I was too much of an over bearing mother than a friend. These 4 months after losing her is an ever enduring journey of emotions.
Kim, I do identify with so much of what you wrote. I find myself staggering through the days...it is a hard journey.
From CS Lewis - A Grief Observed
"Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape."
thank you my friends , for careing and being here for me, I just want so bad to be with shawn. this is way to hard to live without my baby. and I really don't want to live without him. no one should have this hurt , this unbearable pain. the only journey I want is to go . I wish I was a stronger person, and I use to be, but its to dark here in my heart now. thank you hugs and much love to you all. kim
thank you linda, but nothing seems to help anymore. I cant see a light at the end of this very dark hole im in. im so sorry for your loss to, being our only child I just want to go to. this pain will never go away, the loneliness, emptiness will be here forever. I don't want to go on without him, I cant see life without him either. I watch people , my sisters with there familys, there life has gone on, I feel how dare you live on, how dare you laugh and be happy, when I only cry all the time. they talk about there daughters and when I talk about shawn the chance back to there kids. I want to kill them. I am the only one that has a son, my 2 sisters each have 2 daughters. but there not seeing my pain, they say I cry to much, and I should go out but I cant. they don't cry with me, im starting to hate them. my faith has gone, I don't know if ill ever get it back. when my mom went I hated god for a long time, but to take away my son, its far more then hate. how can I go on, shawns my world, my love my life. hes 41 now, always my baby. so young so beautiful. thank you linda love and hugs to you kim
when I fear i'm forgetting my Desiree's voice I focus on only one expression unique to her and remember when she said it. that helps me to recall her voice, her smile, or maybe even her anger. no matter what it is it is her. I know you don't want to hear "stay strong" but do try Kim. as a mother that lost her only child of 31 years I truly respect your pain but you must try Kim. only then can any of us begin to heal and heal we must till it is OUR time. I cry with you Kim. I also pray for all of us in this most horrid of unfortunate circumstances. Prior to losing my Desiree' my faith was minimal if that. But without the faith of God I could only imagine what I may have done either to myself or with myself. My strongest hug to you Kim.
I ask why everyday, why he took my son and not me. I don't want to live anymore, im to empty in side to lonely. to take the only child I have and to leave me in such pain is so very wrong. I need to see shawns smile im finding it hard to remember his voice. everyone says remember the good times, but I cant, just that last day, with shawn it wont go away. soon it will be 9 months and it feels like yesterday and at times it like forever. I beg him every night for a sign and im not getting them anymore. I have not had a dream in 9 months, I feel I have done something wrong, I have tried to stop crying all the time but I cant, I hurt so bad. I have prayed to god to let him come to my dreams, even though im so mad at god and I feel hes not here for me, he took my only child, my love of my life. how can I believe in him anymore. to know ill never have a mothers day, Christmas, easter or birthday, those special days with him, will never be again, I have got rid of my tree and holiday things. there just another day now. why wont he take me to my son, why is he leaving me in such pain. why why why. and I never get answer. I hope and pray to be with him soon, I know my baby needs me as much as I need him. I just want my shawn back, I cant keep going in life. im to tired and to lost without shawn. I need to feel his love again, I want to die, to much pain for a mother to handle.
Yesterday was difficult for me. I still have moments of disbelief that Kyra is gone from this earth. It still seems so hard to grasp. I get through each day but I can't fathom the rest of my life here without her. My other daughter took all of Her sisters belongings because she lives in Montana too. Every time I ask her to send me some of Kyra's tee shirts she punts. I really feel like I need some of her things but don't want to rock the boat with my other daughter. As the first anniversary of her death approaches I feel myself becoming more anxious and having more insomnia. Our children are our life and their absence is so hard to bear. I am so sorry for the loss of your children Ivis and Linda. Sending you hugs I know this is such a hard journey we are all on. Much love to everyone here and our children who have past. Today and tomorrow I have gardening clients so I will be able to dig in the earth which seems to help me the most with grief. I am reading a couple of good books on grief and they have been a support.
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