I need to apologize. I did not mean to come across so sharp. I do appreciate your thoughts and support. I am not at a place to be of any positive support to others because my outlook is so bleak and jarring to most. But I can see when I may have put my foot in it. Please forgive my rudeness !? 

Thank you. I am finding those around me do not understand my grief. I am sure I am not unique, but in my little world I am. My life has been filled with extremes...I do not have "normal" traumas. All trauma is excrucitingly painful, and ridiculously complicated to each individual...I just find mine must always contain what I refer to as "barbs". I can't just have a quick clean slice into my soul...they must leave jagged tears and gouges so as to make the healing process nigh unto impossible...I am at an age where though I could march through what life threw at me I just pushed forward without looking back and forged my way to where I needed to be. The loss of my daughter has stopped me in my tracks making me shake at the thought that if I survive this pain I cannot survive another. I do not wish to survive another.

Yes, it has been hard...I lost Jesse about 17 months ago...we were extremely close...this is my second child loss

Dear Michelle I am so sorry for your loss. I feel you and I know what you are going through. Be strong because you are needed.

I will be on in a couple of days I just have a lot going on besides my loss not sure what is going to happen, I have to move and you don't have much choice when your social security and don't get enough to live on.

Hi Michelle, I'm sorry I haven't checked in lately. I have been unbelievably depressed these last few weeks. Some of it doesn't even involve Sara, or so I think. I miss her so much and I think I am just pretending that she is not really gone. I wait for her to come home and know that she won't. She was so beautiful and had a beautiful soul. Most of the time I talk about her like she is in the present. I don't want this to be true and I can't help how I feel. I am on Depakote and my doctor did my bloodwork and sent it to my psychiatrist. The level was really low but not so low that he wanted to change it until I told him how I have been feeling which is immensely depressed these last few weeks. He asked me if I thought it was due to sadness and I told him no because it is a totally different kind of depression. All I want to do is sleep and don't want to eat. He said in light if that he is bumping up the Depakote. I just know it will help. it's got to.

If it doesn't help I don't know what I will do. I am looking at grief support groups but keep putting off calling them back. I am just so depressed that I don't want to do anything. I just now, while writing to you, got a call from a group that meets for grief support once a week for eight weeks through Kobacher which is part of Hospice. I told her that I would look into it even though it would be hard for me. Hospice is a wonderful group and I can't say enough good things about them. They were great while Sara was dying. I really think that this first step will be very hard to do. The other group I am looking into is at a church and they meet more often. I met the minister at the food bank that they run. She was wonderful and is very supportive. I know that I would be fine once I got in there. It is just starting up that I get nervous about, especially for the first time.

How are you doing? Losing a child is the worse. I always thought that it would be but never really understand totally. Now that it has happened to me I get it. How long has it been for you? I am always here to talk to if you want. If you ever want to message me on Facebook just look up Bonnie Coury Jacobs or you can e-mail me at binkipi@yahoo.com. Know that I will always be here for you. Get in touch with me anytime you want. Hang in there.  Love and light, Bonnie

Thank you Mitchelle. Yes, Shreyas loved the outdoors and all kinds of adventure and at the same time was someone who was very 'together'.I'm so happy to be your friend:) hugsss and take care. August 2011 was the last time I saw Micky as he had come to spend a week with me and then a week back in Mumbai before going back to Dubai. Imagine I had said no don't come in August and I will come in December as he had wanted help in setting up his kitchen.. didnt know whats needed etc:) Strangely he insisted, something he never does and said Mummy , I have two weekd and want to come and later you make it when you have long hols maybe in May. I never need urging of course to see him , so I said yes Micks, we will have a whale of a time, esp since he had not been to northern India then where I was working. Well we had the most wonderful week  and I never knew when I saw him off at the door and he got into the car as the company driver was to take him to the airport about 5 hrs away for his Mumbai flight, never knew that it would be the last time I saw him. He had even said '" looks like it will be a while b4 we meet cos we decided on May by then.. and i had breezily retorted that hahhh just 9 months and anyway we have the cam n Laptops all the time so nahhh don't worry about me.. little did i know....now he is always where he was anyway, firmly inmy heart and surrounded by love, just like Chris is .... Chris seems such a wonderful person.. I feel nice just looking at his pics u know, he exudes quiet happiness.. i love that.. hugsss and god bless and take good care of you.

Thanks Michelle, There are times when i'm sure I would lose my everlovin mind if this site wasn't here. I truly mean that. This life is hard enough, let alone having to work so hard every day just to survive after the loss of a child. I would rather do hard labor all day, every day, than do this, but since there is no choice in this matter, i'm am so grateful for all of you!