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Comment by Lynn Williams on December 14, 2013 at 8:27pm

I have such sadness tonight. It's four months since she died. I don't feel angry just feel so empty without her. When the waves of loss hit I feel in a pit of loneliness I can't imagine a world without her in it. There is a ferocious snow storm outside and it's so cold. I know this wave will pass just like spring will come I need to know she is okay and with other freins and family who have past. I hope she is not feeling as lonely as I am right now. I need to know she is safe and warm.

Comment by Jane P on December 14, 2013 at 8:23am

Yes, it's the only place where our insanity seems normal!!

Comment by Karen R. on December 13, 2013 at 10:09pm

Hello to all. I still can not grasp the mere concept that my son is gone. It's still unimaginable to me and it's been since Oct. 2009. It still feels like no time has passed even though each sunrise reminds me that he's not here. Keeping myself busy helps with my sanity but it still comes down on me heavy when it time for me to go to bed, I think of when I was pregnant with him and the day he was born....I remember every detail and I think of the day I learned what happened to him and the whole week I spent with him in ICU and the worst news I've ever heard when they told me there was nothing else they could do for him. Someone asked today how come I joined a group like this and how does it benefit me, I told them that everyone here gets "it" and my feelings and thoughts are validated and that's so important to me.

Comment by Ammy on December 13, 2013 at 8:21pm

Dolly, I'm not sure of the name but I believe it was an anti-depressant for her anxiety/panic symptoms.  I will ask her.  XO

Comment by Ammy on December 13, 2013 at 7:59pm

Oh Merry, you don't need to keep it together for your family and friends.   You just really need to tell them how you are feeling.   If they love you, they will understand, and I'm sure they do love you and want you to be okay and do what you need to do for yourself.  I understand that most don't truly know what you are feeling so you need to be responsible and tell them.  There is no shame in being honest.  

Keeping you and all us moms in my prayers.

Comment by Ammy on December 13, 2013 at 7:52pm

I have learned to do as I feel, not what anyone expects of me.  Except for my husband and daughters I will push myself a little, but not if it's too much for me to handle.

Next month I will be at 3½ years and I still don't go to functions.  Sunday will be the second time I have gone to something we've been invited to.  And when Sunday gets here if I'm having a difficult time I can change my mind.

I believe you need to do this for yourself if it puts added stress on you.  Forcing yourself to do things you don't feel you can handle only adds to your misery.  You need to do what is best for you because no one else can do that for you.

For those of you stressing too much with thoughts of the holidays here is an Excerpt from a blog I read:

Many people talk about the stages of grief, what it should look like, how it can be timed. The truth for those of us out there who have experienced a journey fraught with loss is that there are no stages, no set time lines. Grief can swing around, come full circle, dragging you forwards and backwards on its own whim.

While everyone around you might be thinking it is time to move on or that you have finally begun to cope or “normalize”, you may be churning with turmoil and only beginning to understand the magnitude of what you’ve really lost.

While you outwardly carry on, getting dressed with socks that match and opening your home with a house key instead of trying to cram a car key into the lock, you may be inwardly struggling to survive. This can stretch into a long period of solitude full of self-reflection. The well-meaning friends and family in your life might inadvertently discourage any open grieving, encouraging you to “be happy”, “think positive”, or “move on with your life”.

This form of rejection can cause you to retreat into yourself as you pull away from those around you, isolating yourself on purpose. Often times it easier to be alone so you can express your pain rather than constantly trying to cover it up or be told to put it away by those around you.

I want to outline this today as a gentle reminder to others that when a griever seems to want to be alone, that it is perfectly normal and acceptable. It often is nothing to do with you or what they think of you as a person. They are not trying to subtly tell you they dislike you or prefer the company of someone else. They are not being selfish or refusing to cope, nor are they in denial. They are simply grieving and behaving normally for someone in that much pain.Sometimes being alone can be the most helpful thing for them.

When the magnitude of the loss becomes too great, it can bring us to our knees. We need time to think, to ponder, to go over the details of our loved one’s life and death over and over again in our minds until we can find some measure of resolution on some aspect of it.

Comment by Ammy on December 13, 2013 at 7:48pm

Dolly, I accidentally deleted my post to you but I wanted to ask if you recall the ringing starting if and when you went on a medication.

My daughter had terrible ringing in her ears for over a year.  She had an MRI and several tests and the ENT finallt told her there was nothing wrong and to come back in a year.  ??? a year?   She eventually went off a medication she was taking and the ringing stopped.  So just a thought here.

I hope you are able to find a solution because I'm sure it's very difficult to deal with.

Comment by Jane P on December 13, 2013 at 6:51pm

Merry

It's okay to say No.

You're not up to it.

Please don't put that kind of pressure on yourself.

I'm not participating in Christmas at all.

I have not set foot outside of my safety zone.

People have to understand there are things we just can't do anymore.

We suffer each and every day, we don't need to make it any worse.

Yes, learn to be nicely selfish.

Comment by Teresa D. on December 13, 2013 at 6:29pm

Jane P I have no problem facing death either.  I won't make it happen because I have a daughter that has been doing everything in her power to help me make it through this and so I couldn't dare leave her like that.  I think she would feel as though she was less important to me and so I could never dump that on her.  I do hope to die of old age or even illness that I think she would eventually accept, but in no way would I cause it.  I can't say I never gave it a thought, but then I quickly thought of her.

Merry, I am so sorry.  We all know just how hard this is.  You are not alone.  As the holidays get closer it is getting much harder for many of us.  Today I went to a mall with a friend.  I talked a mile a second and went from one subject to the next.  She knew I was trying to distract myself.  I got to the carhartt section and my friend asked me about them.  Michael was a plumber I must have bought him everything they had carhartt in previous years.  Well after I told her how good they are for a working man I grabbed a jacket hugged it and cried.  Another moment I didn't see coming, but it did. 

It's hard Merry, I didn't participate last year and don't plan on it this year.  Maybe next year but this year I just don't have anything in me to do it.  I just want to make it through and guess what "I don't have to if I don't want to"  That's me trying to learn to be selfish.

Comment by Vasanthi S on December 13, 2013 at 6:24pm

Merry,, My thoughts are with you.. Dolly... I feel so bad about that ringing in your ears, Please check out other alternate treatments, ayurveda etc may help..Ammy...I loved the honesty, the uneasiness we all feel with the subject..its so difficult to explain this to anyone.. ((((()))))) to all

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