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Comment by Sheila B. on July 8, 2013 at 10:53am

Cynthia, the blank look hurts. I kept feeling like she was mad at me but didn't know why. I kept asking. My mother had gone in for surgery weeks before and I told her I loved her and she didn't answer back. It had been awhile, unless she wrote it in a card. Now all I have are those cards and the book she sent me years before she passed called "Every Daughter Should Have a Book Like This To Remind Her How Wonderful She Is". I will post some parts when I have more time. I cherish it. It makes me cry but close to her again. When I was younger we used to say it all the time to each other, like her and my daughter still did. It hurt she didn't respond not knowing if she would make it out.

Comment by Sheila B. on July 8, 2013 at 10:23am

Sandra, strokes are very hard. Until my grandmother started having "mini ones" after a long time they figured it out. I don't think there was not much they could have done but she fell into dementia. It was very hard on the family to lose her in such a slow and debilitating way. My mother was not making sense some of the time at the end. She was telling us she had to go back to work and she couldn't get out of bed and walk. My aunt said at least she didn't get as bad as my grandmother and needed her diapers changed. We do take comfort in that. My mother had so much pride, it hurt her to not be able to do her own laundry or mow her yard. I think she started having strokes after my grandmother died. We didn't know they were happening, it takes years to realize. Until you experience it, I don't think many people know strokes don't just physically affect them but change them mentally, the things they say, how they act and how it hurts. It's not just us the family, I believe they know and that is why they cry out because of the confusion and frustration.  

Comment by Sandra Nichols on July 8, 2013 at 8:48am

Sheila B, we have had so much of the same feelings. My mom was very frustrated and scared and alone at the end. She would not share any of that with me. What really tore me up was she turned form her religious she had always always been very religioius and very spiritual and practived that in all of her living. She had a small stroke and just wasn't herself. When we unplugged the tubes at the hospital I knew her spirit was already gone.. and I wasn't there when her spirit did go.. just dont know when it was. I feel so guilty.. but one good friend has told me... your mom KNOWS what was in your heart. So, i do believe you mom knows how you feel and knows you. We even had some arguments because she refused to take her medicines and i was forcing her to take htme and she would cry. I try to focus on my mom knowimg me and hwat was in my heart at that time.  

Comment by Danny on July 8, 2013 at 7:04am

The only thing for me is that I talked to Mom even on the last day on the phone and it was very good and normal.  This happened so suddenly. So that and also she did not suffer at all and was in decent health (she had become very weak physically) but nothing major all the way.  Since I was overseas at the time and not in the same country, we would talk 3 times a week as part of the routine (and more if there was something urgent).  I find it hard to change this routine right now.

Comment by Sheila B. on July 8, 2013 at 2:36am

I would call and she would just sit on the phone. It hurt so much she wouldn't talk to me. I stopped wanting to call. I kept asking her what was going on with her and she would say she had to go or start crying.

I think she knew long before the week before she died and said she felt like she was. 

Comment by Sheila B. on July 8, 2013 at 2:27am

One of the hardest things about this is how my mom and I weren't as close as were always were at the end. She was irritable and it was frustrating because I didn't know what she wanted me to do for her. That was one of the last times I saw her and she just started crying saying I don't want you to do anything. It was so frustrating and painful. I always took care of her and in the end now I am left with guilt. 

Comment by Sheila B. on July 8, 2013 at 1:33am

I understand about your dad being difficult to get along with. As I was saying before, I haven't spoken to my father since the second time I asked him to please come to the funeral. He called her constantly and caused her stress she didn't need or have to put up with. He didn't care, he wanted someone to vent his problems on. I will probably forgive him but I feel like he doesn't deserve that right now. Since my mother's death, I feel stronger it my intolerance to put up and forgive and forget. I know that's not really a great thing but for right now, I can't deal with him saying she didn't do enough to help herself. Yet he says he blames himself he didn't come and make her go to the hospital. Right now I feel like I only really care about my daughter's feelings and my mom's younger sister. I feel selfish and it's not good for my relationship with my husband but we keep plugging along, getting through this. 

Comment by Emily on July 8, 2013 at 1:04am

Sheila thank you. It was the same with my mom she wanted to live but was in so much pain, but of course I know she wanted the pain to stop and at the end she still suffered. My brother saw her the day before she died and said she suffered, and the hospice people assured my dad and me she wasn't suffering and wouldn't suffer. My family situation is different, I support my dad emotionally  but he is difficult to get along with so I need time away when I can manage it. My older brother and I aren't close and I've tried but the relationship can't be repaired so we rarely speak. The estrangement is sad, but its not healthy for me to have a relationship with my brother.

Comment by Sheila B. on July 8, 2013 at 12:41am

Sorry about your Mom Emily. I know what you mean. My Mom and my daughter and I were extremely close. We were all we had for a long time and took care of each other. My daughter and I are both only children and now I worry about the future. My grandmother at 72, my mother at almost 61 and I am 42. Now I keep wondering if I only have 10 more years left. My grandmother died 5 years ago and we still cry about her. Some people just take things harder than others, that's what my best friend that lost her husband this passed year says. I know my mother didn't want to die, she told my daughter as she was. 

She wanted to live but was in so much pain. I can't believe the doctors didn't seem to care her heart was so bad and did the surgery anyway. It hurts that she tried and they didn't help. Then she died.

Comment by Emily on July 7, 2013 at 10:53pm

I'm so sorry about your losses. You have been through so much. Trust me your feelings of being scared, lonely and angry and being overwhelmed out of the blue are completely natural. You are not alone. I lost my mom last December and its still hard the grief is so extreme and whats worse is that there are those I know you have also experienced loss but they have no understanding of my extreme grief.

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