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Comment by Ammy on June 17, 2013 at 2:51pm

I am trying to get back a little peace for a bit. This past weekend was torture. Maybe the worst since our son left us. Crying for days and fighting back the tears - exhausting. His birthday was the 14th, mine the 16th, and Father's day all together.
We use to celebrate that weekend. Our family would all get together and go out for a big dinner and have a great time. Yesterday, my daughter wanted to take me and her dad out for dinner and at first I said no, but not to be the "party pooper" I finally agreed. As we were getting into the car my little granddaughter Gianna came with her gift and cards for me and PopPop. Dinner cancelled and we ordered take out instead. So relieved that we didn't go. I don't believe in coincidences. My daughter even commented something about us not meant to go.
Today I felt some of the weight lifted from me from this past week and I'm so grateful for these times when I don't feel so weighted down with sadness.
For those of you that are just starting this journey, the first year is a learning process with lots of testing, but eventually you will have times of relief, even if it is short lived. Keep going. You can make it. Besides sensing your pain , I also sense your strength.

I read a quote sometime in the last 2 weeks and have been wanting to post it. I think Norman Wright wrote it, but what it speaks of I feel we find it here where we all understand and do not judge.
“A bereaved person, no matter what his or her age, needs safe places, safe people, and safe situations.”

This from Howard Thurman is my feelings for all of you.
I share with you the agony of your grief, the anguish of your heart finds echo in my own. I know I cannot enter all you feel nor bear with you the burden of your pain; I can but offer what my love does give: The strength of caring, the warmth of one who seeks to understand the silent storm-swept barrenness of so great a loss. This do I in quiet ways, that on your lonely path you may not walk alone.

Be blessed. I pray this week will be kinder and gentler to all.      ♥

Comment by Ammy on June 17, 2013 at 12:32pm

Lorraine, I don't mean this in a bad way but I am pleased to see you here.  You may not believe me, but I have been thinking of you (and Sy) and hoping that you were doing okay.  Seems like quite awhile since you've posted.

We get so caught up in getting through each day that sometimes we don't notice when some is not around right away.  

The time just keeps passing by and I often wonder where it has gone because I (we) are still caught up in this life of grief now.  I was surprised when you said 5 years, but I am also surprised that it will be 3 years next month for me.  I don't feel the passing of time, it just does, and I just exist with a few breaks of normalcy here and there.

Anyway, I just want you to know that you and Sy weren't forgotten.  I do keep everyone in my prayers.

Comment by anne on June 16, 2013 at 9:50pm

Dear Marilyn, you are so raw right now. I am so sorry I know your hurt. I just looked through your pictures which is something I don't normally do, because it's so hard. I read your post and was worried so I went to your profile. Sweet lady, you should give yourself a break. It sounds like all those feeling are  swirling around in your head. I still have that feeling too once in a while. It can become consuming. It did slow down for me after awhile, and I pray it will for you too. It sometimes feels like the grief wants to control me, and sometimes it does, but now I'm better at fighting it. Your hurt is so new and so deep. I try to think of it this way. Maybe if I learn what I can when I can, maybe I could help someone else who doesn't get a choice but to deal with it like all of us. I've been doing this for 15 years now and I still have my times when I just fall apart. I have pictures of my 4 children on my wall in the hallway. Sometimes I have to run by it to get to my room cause I know if I stop and look I'm going to remember and cry. Most days I don't pay attention because I never know how its going to hit me, and then there's the times when I walk  by and I stop and look, and dream, and hope, and then I cry! I guess my point is, please don't do anything you cant change tomorrow. It's ok to feel, but never to act, and I know cause those words have kept me alive for 15 years and the loss of another son. Vent my friend Vent! We all understand here, so let it all hang out! I wish you peace if only for a moment.

Comment by Teresa D. on June 16, 2013 at 9:52am

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO EACH AND EVERY DAD! 

Comment by Vasanthi S on June 15, 2013 at 11:54pm

Bonnie, sending lots of love ur way.

Marilyn, you are one of the strongest persons and with a huge heart... if you give up, it is admitting that you don't want to be an architect of the future by helping the lives of those near and dear to you and indirectly helping so many others Do you for a minute think that God is a cruel prankster sitting somewhere in the heavens and showing us his immense power so that we all cringe and cry and beg ? I think we had enormous love given to us , for what can be more unconditional a love than a mother's?I think our love does reach the ones we loved so well.Trusting in that, I think we must strive to connect through happiness and joy and not pain.So many will want to zonk me on the head... i want to zonk me on my own head very often, but please please don't in any way let ur wonderful children down and do something in an impulse which will be a deliberate making of a wasteland for others on this planet who love and live or are with you.

Comment by Lorraine on June 15, 2013 at 8:51pm

Marilyn, you have described so well what many of us go through; the reality has not gotten better for me with time (it's been 5 years now and hurts to even say that).  It is so difficult to realize that our children have not been given the opportunity of time. Makes me really sad. 

Comment by Bonnie Jacobs on June 15, 2013 at 7:01pm

Hi Marilyn, I have never spoken to you and I don't know your circumstances but you have just described my day. I, too, know I am in denial again but it isn't in my control. Today I cried for hours and now I'm just still and numb. I lost my 29 year old daughter on May 3rd. I hope it gets better for you. (HUGS) and light to you.

Comment by Jane P on June 15, 2013 at 5:54pm

Hang on Marilyn, hang on.

Comment by Teresa D. on June 15, 2013 at 8:08am

I'm determined to make today a good day.  I've already cried and that's ok.

Comment by Bern on June 15, 2013 at 12:01am

I am taking 10 mg of Ambien. Be careful, it allow us to bed and and but give the munchies after we talke

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