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Comment by anne on June 16, 2013 at 9:50pm

Dear Marilyn, you are so raw right now. I am so sorry I know your hurt. I just looked through your pictures which is something I don't normally do, because it's so hard. I read your post and was worried so I went to your profile. Sweet lady, you should give yourself a break. It sounds like all those feeling are  swirling around in your head. I still have that feeling too once in a while. It can become consuming. It did slow down for me after awhile, and I pray it will for you too. It sometimes feels like the grief wants to control me, and sometimes it does, but now I'm better at fighting it. Your hurt is so new and so deep. I try to think of it this way. Maybe if I learn what I can when I can, maybe I could help someone else who doesn't get a choice but to deal with it like all of us. I've been doing this for 15 years now and I still have my times when I just fall apart. I have pictures of my 4 children on my wall in the hallway. Sometimes I have to run by it to get to my room cause I know if I stop and look I'm going to remember and cry. Most days I don't pay attention because I never know how its going to hit me, and then there's the times when I walk  by and I stop and look, and dream, and hope, and then I cry! I guess my point is, please don't do anything you cant change tomorrow. It's ok to feel, but never to act, and I know cause those words have kept me alive for 15 years and the loss of another son. Vent my friend Vent! We all understand here, so let it all hang out! I wish you peace if only for a moment.

Comment by Teresa D. on June 16, 2013 at 9:52am

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO EACH AND EVERY DAD! 

Comment by Vasanthi S on June 15, 2013 at 11:54pm

Bonnie, sending lots of love ur way.

Marilyn, you are one of the strongest persons and with a huge heart... if you give up, it is admitting that you don't want to be an architect of the future by helping the lives of those near and dear to you and indirectly helping so many others Do you for a minute think that God is a cruel prankster sitting somewhere in the heavens and showing us his immense power so that we all cringe and cry and beg ? I think we had enormous love given to us , for what can be more unconditional a love than a mother's?I think our love does reach the ones we loved so well.Trusting in that, I think we must strive to connect through happiness and joy and not pain.So many will want to zonk me on the head... i want to zonk me on my own head very often, but please please don't in any way let ur wonderful children down and do something in an impulse which will be a deliberate making of a wasteland for others on this planet who love and live or are with you.

Comment by Lorraine on June 15, 2013 at 8:51pm

Marilyn, you have described so well what many of us go through; the reality has not gotten better for me with time (it's been 5 years now and hurts to even say that).  It is so difficult to realize that our children have not been given the opportunity of time. Makes me really sad. 

Comment by Bonnie Jacobs on June 15, 2013 at 7:01pm

Hi Marilyn, I have never spoken to you and I don't know your circumstances but you have just described my day. I, too, know I am in denial again but it isn't in my control. Today I cried for hours and now I'm just still and numb. I lost my 29 year old daughter on May 3rd. I hope it gets better for you. (HUGS) and light to you.

Comment by Jane P on June 15, 2013 at 5:54pm

Hang on Marilyn, hang on.

Comment by Teresa D. on June 15, 2013 at 8:08am

I'm determined to make today a good day.  I've already cried and that's ok.

Comment by Bern on June 15, 2013 at 12:01am

I am taking 10 mg of Ambien. Be careful, it allow us to bed and and but give the munchies after we talke

Comment by anne on June 14, 2013 at 1:54pm

I too cry almost everyday for my boys, and I've been doing this for a long time. It is the bodies way of releasing the pain and anxiety. As time has gone by, and I mean a lot of time, I find that I'm not as teary everyday like I used to be. Night time is the hardest for me. When the world is quiet and asleep my brain has a hard time shutting down. All it takes is a memory or a picture, or the smell of cookies baking. Sometimes my mind can conjure up lots of triggers. That's when I pray. Prayer is a good distraction for me. Crying is ok. It means we're dealing with things and not running from them. I always believe that I can run but I can't hide. Especially from myself! Good day to all

Comment by Connie K on June 14, 2013 at 1:43pm

I also cry for all of you who have lost a child. I am just amazed at how many people are going through this nightmare and I so feel all of your pain.

And Sunday is Father's Day. Don't know what to do for my husband so I got him a little lemon tree for our patio. Daniel always loved lemons. I am putting rocks decorated by his best friends and myself around the tree. We did this at his school with neighbors and friends and it is a beautiful way to have a living memorial to him. Lots of tears but wonderful memories that make me smile right through them. Life is crazy.

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