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Comment by Melisa C on April 10, 2013 at 6:18am

Yesterday it was 12 weeks since my Mom passed. It seems like a lot of time and then it's just 3 months. I'm really lost without her. She was my home and my heart. She still is in a way, but I feel like I'm ages away from her.

Comment by Amanda on April 9, 2013 at 9:30pm

I just thought, what should I get my mom for Mother's Day? Then, i remembered I don't have a mom for the first time for Mother's Day. I had a hard cry and then thought I will plant flowers that day around my house. She loved doing that. I miss her so much.

Comment by Jeff R on April 9, 2013 at 2:19pm

Thanks Eliza.  I think everyone assumes because Mom was older and had health issues that it should be less traumatic somehow, or at least more easily accepted. Given the circumstances, while I certainly understand her passing, it's still hard to accept (if that makes any sense). I wish she was still here, even for a little while longer.  Her mind was sharp, even if her body was failing.  Her abrupt passing was likely a kindness to her, but painful to me since I did not expect it.  But, this happens all the time..."such is life" , Mom would say.

Comment by Eliza on April 9, 2013 at 11:50am

Jeff, I understand what you mean about supressing your grief and having it still come out. I underwent surgery shortly after my mom passed away, and I kind of put my grief on hold while I was recovering. But it still came out anyway and continues to surface. I'm trying to just go with the flow and let the "grief attacks" happen when they happen. I saw that you lost your mom very recently. I understand the pain you're feeling, and my condolences.

Comment by Rachel Lynn Schuler on April 8, 2013 at 12:40pm

I miss my mom still, but its getting easier.....I saw a pic of her last night and it was actually sweet.....she was doing some crafts....I miss you mom...love you, im not wallowing in it

Comment by Nancy L on April 8, 2013 at 12:37pm

Thank you for posting that Eliza.  This is something I need to print out and read from time to time. 

Sundays are hard, those are the days that if I didn't go to see her we would talk on the phone.  Yesterday morning I thought 'oh I get to talk to mom today'...then the grief hit. 

Comment by Mary on April 8, 2013 at 12:16pm

Oh goodness Jeff R, I just saw where you just lost your mom in February and by all means you are just in the initial stages of grief.  It is probably just now all starting to sink in. Suppressing it doesn't help you are anyone else around you. I had grief attacks like in Eliza's list and they were at their peak at the 8th month mark and I still cry from time to time at nite or when I miss her most.  I also laugh sometimes-just last nite was coming out of the bathroom and lost my balance and ended up with my face right in my moms picture hanging on the wall.  I laughed, kissed the picture, and said, once again mom-catching me when I fall!  Take some time Jeff R and don't beat yourself up-grief is a process!

Comment by Jeff R on April 8, 2013 at 10:33am

Thanks for that Eliza.  I'm feeling lousy after this weekend and keep thinking, "is this normal"?  But, I guess it is.  Every time I think I'm over the loss, I quickly realize I am not. And suppressing it has been utterly pointless.   It's really going to take some time, I am finally realizing. 

Comment by Eliza on April 7, 2013 at 9:14pm

Got this at grief counseling. It helped a lot. Thought I'd post it for others:

The Grieving Person’s Bill of Rights
1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. When you turn to others for help, do not allow them to tell you what you should or should not be feeling. No one else’s opinion is important except the griever him or herself.
2. You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want about your grief.
3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion, disorientation, fear,
guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example is wrong. Do not take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without criticism, analysis or judgment.
4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest and eat balanced meals. Do not allow others to push you into doing things you do not feel ready to do.
5. You have the right to experience grief “attacks”. Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may over come you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out. Remember, grief is the normal and natural reaction to a loss or significant change in your life’s journey.
6. You have the right to make use of ritual. The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide the mourner with the support of caring people. More important, the funeral ritual is a way to begin the mourning process. If well-meaning people in your life tell you that rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.
7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality. If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry with GD, find someone to talk with who won’t judge you, criticize you or hurt your feelings.
8. You have the right to search for meaning. It is natural to find yourself asking, “why this happened?” or “why now?” some questions may have answers and some may not. Watch for the clichéd responses from well meaning folks like “...is in a better place.” “You have to be strong for ...” These are unhelpful comments that do more harm than good. Remember you do not have to listen to this.
9. You have the right to treasure your memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. Find good friends and family members that you can share your memories with. You will always remember.
10. You have the right to move toward your grief and journey towards healing. Working through your grief will not happen quickly. Be kind to yourself. Listen to your body, and be patient and tolerant with yourself. Avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Surround yourself with caring people who will validate your feelings and listen to you.

Comment by Eliza on April 7, 2013 at 8:34pm

Mary, thank you for your comment. It helps to hear that it does get easier.

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