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Comment by Ann Edmondson on March 25, 2013 at 9:32pm

Shelly:~ I know it is hard right now.  No words can really ease your pain. I could tell you all of the so called "helpful" things that others tell you. But to be honest, none of us want to be members in this group. Any one of us would gladly be any where else than here. For me, though, it has helped having my faith and church family. Is there anyone you can go to to talk with in person? Was there anyone with you when you read the autopsy report? I commend you for reading it so soon. I could not read my son's report for almost 6 months. Even then I had people with me "just in case" I needed extra support. If you are willing, I would be happy to talk with you. You can email me anytime. You asked why and how can you go on? I can only give you the reason why I do ---- I go on for other children, grand children, and great-grand children. Yes, there are the aches knowing I will never have these things from my son, but I am grateful for having him for the time I did. There are NO wrong or right ways to grieve in your life. Each person is different and grieves at different stages. Some days are better than others. It is on the better ones that I can smile at the memory of my son. I cry my eyes out on the bad days knowing his is no longer on this earth. But like I said, I am willing to talk anytime to help, just give me a jingle.

Comment by Shelley on March 25, 2013 at 8:20pm

I got my sons autopsy report today and the sick images of him being on their table and them doing the things I know they did to him make me want to die. I miss him so much.  He was amazingly amazing, beautifully beautiful, and heavenly heavensent while being imperfectly perfect. Why and how can I go on?

Comment by Grace on March 24, 2013 at 7:12am

I think of that newer country song that sings ...."in my heart you will always be 18... and dancing  away with my heart"  Only for me it is 14.

Niles also had Autism and was cognitively impaired .... so even his 14 was younger than others 14......

 

Comment by Michelle W on March 24, 2013 at 1:55am

Grace,
I agree with you completely... The last dinner we ate together before the accident was Thanksgiving and it also was my daughters eighteen birthday and all night my son kept saying you can have tonight(to my daughter) but after this everyday is about me it's going to be my golden birthday he would have been eighteen on the eighteenth of December .. And he died two days later so he will alway be my beautiful seventeen year old never making it to his big golden birthday ...,I sure do miss him ... Just another bad day... Sorry... I hope you are doing well.,its so hard I just want him back

Comment by Grace on March 23, 2013 at 8:29am

Last night I dreamed I was holding his hand.... as a small child... then as I started to awake...my hand was empty.....  Holidays ,  anniversaies, and birthdays are always hard.... like I said.... In my mind he will always be 14 and the same as he was when he died..... even now when I see his classmates who have grown.... it amazes me when I see that they have grown.... and time stands still for me sometimes.

Comment by Karen R. on March 23, 2013 at 8:18am

Hi Shirlee, happy birthday to your son, I know how hard birthdays are.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on March 23, 2013 at 12:28am

I'm so sorry Shirlee. Everyday is hard. Birthdays are especially difficult.

Comment by Shirlee Smith on March 22, 2013 at 10:28pm

Well it has now been five months since our baby Joe was killed in the auto accident and tomorrow 3/23 is his 28th birthday. This week has been really hard because he is not here to aggervate me about what I am getting him for his birthday. I miss him more everday that passes. I still do not know why this had to happen and I never will. The only thing I have to look forward too is getting old and maybe just maybe I will go senile so I will not remember anything and this pain I have in my heart will hurt less or I will forget why it hurts so badly. 

Comment by Shelley on March 21, 2013 at 10:38pm

Hi Karen, Thank you... I needed to hear what you said. This is so hard and the people that said they would always be there aren't. I am also very sorry about your son. It's so unfair and I get a sick feeling in my stomach when I see kids his age and I think why mine? why can't mine still be here? (((hugs))) to you too.

Comment by Karen R. on March 21, 2013 at 9:28pm

Hi Shelley, I understand! So sorry. I want my son back right NOW!!! My 21 yr old son passe away in October 2009....still hate to count the days, weeks, months and now the years....seems unreal. I know how you feel when it seems like people are forgetting your child. Just hold onto that your son is so much more than a mere memory....he is STILL your son and you will be always be his mom. I wish I could have traded places with my son also. Sending you hugs.

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