Hi Christy-
We lost our baby boy, too. We worked so hard to keep him healthy, to overcome the challenges of his prematurity, only to lose him when we thought we were winning.

At times my mind is split in two. One of me acknowledges the truth of the present and knows with certainty that we did everything that could be done. And that God has a purpose and a plan that included Kai in heaven. The other of me lives in the past, constantly trying to rewrite our story, to solve the medical conundrums, to correct the "mistakes" so that Kai is still with us, alive and thriving. The first is the truth; the second is a lie. The first is God's will; the second is nothing but worldly temptations, where I desire control our path.

When Kai was with us, I was firmly rooted in the present, the truth. With him in heaven, I find it harder to remain disciplined in spirit, mind and body. I know with God, all things are possible. He lifts our burdens. He illuminates our path. And I chose not to imagine the grief without the firm knowledge that, through Jesus Christ, I will see my son again. But at times, the second of me wants this to be hard, dark and final. My beautiful baby boy died; my heart is broken; I don’t want for a second for anyone to think this is easy. But the first of me knows that my load is lifted, my path is lighter and my heart is healing.

Glory be to God for every day of our little boys life. We are so blessed. We trust that some how, some way, that our Father will bring more children into our home.

Thank you for sharing your beautiful son with us.
-Anna