I realize I spend a lot of my time waiting for something to happen. Since Barb died, my life has been made up of connecting the dots with the hope that they will lead somewhere. I am so convinced they will continue to guide me that I sometimes forget that it is not necessary to be like the kid on Christmas morning, patiently waiting to see what is going to be in the box. Just allowing things to happen, noticing them, and reacting to them would probably be less stressful. Instead, I am always speculating what might happen next.

The holidays are still hard for me personally, even though I put on a great mask to show that everything is fine. The reality is this will probably be the case for years to come. I guess by waiting for something to happen, it is my way to cope and push the negative stuff way deep down inside and to hide it under my grandmother’s trunk in the basement. By waiting for something to happen, I keep the possibilities of the future and the childlike qualities alive within me. In a way, we are all waiting for something to happen. We live our lives, raise our families, and rejoice that it is all leading somewhere special.

 

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Comment by Mike on May 31, 2017 at 3:04pm

Thank you, Amber, I do believe that the little things add up and lead at least me in a forward direction.  Don't get me wrong, I like the huge neon signs as well, but most of the time I have to settle for the subtle ones. I love your faith in your sister. I can tell you from my experience that they are there to guide, and it sounds like you are open to receive.  That is beautiful.  

Comment by Amber O on May 31, 2017 at 10:06am

Hello. 

I couldn't agree more with you on this. My 18 year old little sister passed away from cancer and we were very close, so as you can assume - it changed my life completely. When she passed, I drove myself crazy for the past 3 years, always looking for HUGE signs, always expecting - demanding more. I couldn't accept the little things, I would push them aside. I wanted more, I was being greedy. But this year, for her 3 year mark - it was different, its been different. I'm not starting to learn and accept the small signs and be at peace with what has happened. After when she passed, I never thought I would ever reach this far in this exhausting journey called Grief. I have to...no...I WILL believe and have faith that she is always with me and guiding me. {As your loved one is too}

Thank you for writing this, it makes me feel better knowing that other people feel and go through the same as I do on a daily struggle. Its hard feeling certain things and not being able to express, explain or get someone to understand where you are coming from. Thank you :) 

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