Final Destination -Arrival Time Unknown

Ste today I had to get the train to London. I couldn't help but compare my journey of grief with my journey on that train. 

I sat on the train among strangers. As soon as people get on the train they become lifeless.I feel unconscious without you -I feel my soul has been ripped from my being as if all hope is gone. 

No one shows any emotion they all avoid eye contact and sit silently reading or playing on phones .I can no longer show emotion -I have cried too many tears, the pain is too much to bear, I can't relate to others and no one understands my emotion. 

People distract themselves from the reality of the journey they are on, just killing time until they reach their final destination. I try to distract myself from grief but its like trying to put a bandage on a break that's not healing.Time feels endless to me tick tock when will this stop.

The train starts off slow then flows fast, up and down the tracks rocking in relief as it goes.My grief starts as a low ebb in my core and seeps through my veins increasing in intensity as the seconds continue-I can find no comfort as I go.

The train windows are like eyes to the world- scenery, towns and sky swirl past -all creating photos from the past in an instant. Droplets of rain drip down the outsides of the windows like tears on a face .My memories of you are becoming blurred however hard I try to behold them. I can no longer focus, my mind is numb. My tears continue, every tear holds the intense sum of my heartbreak I feel for your loss.

The automated voice announces the next station and the train stops. People come and go. The only noise I hear is the beeping of the doors as they open and shut. As I continue my life without you I hear voices vibrating in my ears but I can't hear the relevance. I can only hear the beeping in my head constantly saying he's gone I miss him and I want to be with him again.

My train journey ended when the train terminated at Euston. People piled off the train as if pasted together and were pulled towards the exit by a unified will of power.

My journey of grief will end when we are reunited but my arrival time is unknown.

One day my life will too be terminated and I will be pulled by the power of the light towards you God willing. Until then I will await my final destination.

For Ste GBNF x

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Comment by MarieSte on April 12, 2015 at 6:37am

John T, although your journey is unique for you there are a lot of us on this site that can relate to your journey as we share your emotions. Please know you are not alone. Bless you.

Comment by morgan on October 24, 2014 at 9:44am

Powerful words…….extremely relevant………thank you…….

Comment by Lost & Alone on October 18, 2014 at 7:58pm

Amen

Comment by MarieSte on October 11, 2014 at 5:41pm

L R, Jesse's mom-I'm so sorry I feel your pain -I hope this poem I wrote provides some comfort-he is still with you x-

I Carry You With Me-You have Not Gone

When you died I thought you had left me  
Now I realize I am forever changed as you will always be within me - I carry you in every part of me
 
My mind cannot think as it is full of our memories, it now carries your thoughts dreams and aspirations too
My eyes cannot see you as I weep both of our tears for the future we have lost.
My voice cannot speak as your voice is in me, overwhelming my own telling me you love and miss me.
My ears cannot hear,as I listen to your whispers of encouragement and your voice that guides me.
My mouth cannot open as your lips are kissing me
My lungs cannot get enough air as I am now breathing for us both.
 
My heart cannot beat the same as it feels heavy and about to break as it is filled with both our love.
My stomach cannot be content with the food I ate as it now digests for us both.
My arms & hands cannot move as yours are holding mine. 
My legs cannot walk without collapsing as I am carrying you with me.
My soul cannot connect with the world as it is now connected with you.
My being will learn to endure the pain of your loss and live anew as you are within me you have not gone !
Comment by Jesse's Mom on October 11, 2014 at 5:30pm
Your words spoke to me at my core. When my oldest son died, I died with him. I am so angry, it should have been me. And it would have been to had I not taken a new job about a month and half earlier. I would have been driving that day instead of him. All he was doing was going to a doctor's appointment that I encouraged him to go to. If I had driven that day, it would have been me. And it would have been right.

The driver that day has a long standing history of drugs, arrests, fighting, and my son tried to follow God from his innermost being. Then she ran and hid for four months after the court dates started. Just now got caught.

I wish I would have died that day.
Comment by MarieSte on October 11, 2014 at 7:32am

Thank you Zell -So true x

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