Still here; still missing my love with all my heart; hoping we can all get through another lonely holiday season.

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Comment by morgan on December 8, 2018 at 12:53pm

Alice,  I regret not getting it together to write on Dec 2nd as I recall that was your anniversary of your husbands death date.  I have just been swimming upstream through the rapids.  Each year during the "seasonal" activities I reminisce what my husband would do to make Thanksgiving and Xmas so special for me and then in 2013 the lead up to the diagnosis on Xmas Eve day on through to Jan 21st.  It seems as time goes on the memories become more intense, the withdrawal more necessary from everyone just so I can keep surviving the tears.  When everyone is celebrating or anticipating now what is a "happy" time for them you are thinking of the detritus of your life because your husband left during this time.  Just gone.  Even writing this I can barely stand the biological responses my body is having because I too know the feeling you are going through.  

Almost six years you would think it would get easier.  In only one way has it improved.  I hide it better.  The feelings, the emotions, the desire to depart, the lack of purpose.....none of that has diminished.  All that I am doing now is pedaling with what little energy I have to make enough money to pay the bills and try to finalize the affairs of life in case I am lucky enough to take the hit. It a pretty forlorn way to live.  

I pretty much keep to myself, try not to hang onto the five people who have supported me through this time and know that if I cant live here with my husband I would ask the universe to let me through the veil so at least I might have the possibility of being reunited with my husband.  I see it as a win-win.  I don't have to be miserable here but might be able to connect with my husband again elsewhere.  Thats the only option I see as giving me what I want.  But I guess for now I am not getting what I want right?  None of us are.

So we will continue pretending our way through until we become either more faceless (is that possible?) or we wither and get our opportunity.  One good thing for me.  I am watching myself age ten years in five so I figure I've doubled my odds.  I can see it in my skin, my nails, my body, my nerves etc.  Having been a very holistic minded individual before I can see the physical signs of diminishment.  Its good.  It gives me the only hope I have.  The hope that this fruitless, futile existence has an end if I just bear with the interim pain.  Wow, horrible way to have to look at what so many value as most precious and I'd trade them in a bionic second.  

Ok, rambling now.  Need to get up and get going.  The arthritis has been severe lately and I try to move around some in order not to totally freeze up.....might need to go south as this is just injury upon insult....

Just wanted you to know that although I didnt hit the date I was trying to. Take care the best you can. 

morgan

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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Nancy commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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joe kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
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