Yes I still miss her terribly. I am still sad and angry. I was left with two boys ages 12 and 8 at that time. What kept me going was making sure they were provided for and raised well. I still have full on bawls when the triggers hit or sometimes they just happen. Something has been going on with me the past couple of years. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it's because my older son left for college 3 years ago and my younger son will be leaving for college this year. I don't k now.
Thanks Morgan for commenting on my profile page. Wow...What u described that u go through every day of every year is exactly how I feel. I lost my girlfriend/fiance of 5 years to suicide. I know without a doubt in my mind that she is my soul mate so when she left this world it felt like half of me died with her. Everyone blamed me because she was depressed and missed me while i was gone for a month visiting my kids in another state. I didnt come back home in time. Was it my fault? Yes it was and thats the prison sentence/punishment I have to live with for the rest of my life. I wake up every day dreading just gettin out of bed and enduring another day without my soul mate. The tears the crying sobbing always come without fail every day when i find myself alone so no one can see me cry. it will be 2 years in july and it feels like everyone around me expects me to just be over this so i walk around pretending i am ok put on a fake smile but deep down inside I am not okay. There are moments all the time when i think about quitting life the same way she did so I could finally be with her and ive come close too close to doing just that but something always stops me... My kids. I cant do that to them.... I wouldnt want my children to feel all this pain i feel now. Staying alive is my only option. It feels like a prison all of this misery and the loneliness...omg the loneliness is so heartwrenching i feel like its killing me slowly. I will never be the same again.
I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you today (January 21st) on the seventh anniversary of the passing of the love of your life. I know that “life” as we live it now after the death of our beloved spouse is worth very little; we continue living only because we do and not because we want to. I am sending you good thoughts and hope that you can make it through the day somehow.
I am in Bangladesh now, and it is already the 21st here, and I have been thinking of you since yesterday.
You said, ”What the hell happened to him. Where is he? I want to know and I know that is impossible.” I noticed these 2 questions that you asked and noticed that you don’t feel it is possible to find an answers.
I have found answers to these questions and many more big questions of life. Where I have found satisfying answer to the questions is on the www.jw.org website. A Bible writer said to God, ““Give me understanding . . . Your word is truth.”—Psalm 119:144, 160. The Bible is providing answers for millions of people. Would you like to be one of them? The jw.org® website can help you.
Morgan, I didn't see your comment because I think I messed up posting my comment ontop of Jon-Pauls, I apolgize, new here and just getting to know how things work. I am not going to wish anyone Happy Holidays, or a Merry Christmas because I can see by reading everyones posts, we all felt the same. Dreading New Years the most actually, my birthday and Christmas were brutal, but to welcome in a New Year? Thank you for your understanding and relating to what I wrote. I will continue to keep all of you, including myself in my daily prayers.
Morgan, first let me start by saying I am sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing. My blogs are not to promote religion, but to express what has helped me in times of hardship. My feelings are Scriptural and that is what I share. No slight or disrespect intended. - Mike
thanks for the comment on my blog. I read a few of your posts and I have the same desire to get out of here as soon as possible. I’m only 47 and there’s no way I can wait until I’m old. I’m afraid if I hurt myself I won’t be allowed in heaven and I can’t give up the chance of being with her again. You said you eat a lot of salt and sugar, I’ve been eating bacon and drinking non organic milk. I sit in my room all day, actually been sleeping during the day, up all night because one night I couldn’t sleep and it just stayed that way. Sleeping doesn’t even feel good anymore and always feel anxious when I get up. I don’t do anything at all and like you, see no purpose in me being here. I still don’t know how I am even writing, eating most days only because my Dad forces me, and driving to the therapist because I should have had a heart attack or nervous breakdown instantly or at least by now. It’s almost 2 months. I’m on meds for ocd and depression but lowered them way down myself because I thought they were making me numb. How do I get to her?
You feel just like I do. A first I thought I was plain
crazy until I found this website. We are just walking zombies, doing what we have to do, I will never be the same Linda I was with Julian. Everyone thinks I'm better, but inside I will never be the same again. Each morning I wake up wishing I didn't. I would like to end my life know because I am dead inside, but taking my own life as I was taught in my religion I would not join him in heaven, so as an option I put it out of mind and just accept each day as it comes.
Morgan, thank you for reaching out. I am so sorry for your loss to. I agree that no one can understand the loss of a spouse unless they too have experienced it first hand. It is a unique loss like losing a child. I feel after reading your posts that your support system was either non-existing or has failed you terribly. No one can tell you comfortingly that they know how you feel and to try to move on. It has only been three weeks since Larry passed. Some days if feels like forever and somedays it feels like yesterday. Losing Larry to cancer was hard in that he was wasting physically and mentally. He knew the disease was taking him slowly and sometimes painfully, especially after treatment. In a way I am glad for you that you and you beloved did not have to suffer a long drawn out ending, though in my experience it allowed Larry and I to talk and grieve together and is an experience i would never wish away. Larry strictly forbade me from trying to join him and after the first few hours and days that idea slowly faded. It has not left completely and never will, but I will learn to live with it like the loss of Larry's physical presence. I am not a religiously spiritual person and neither was Larry, but we both believe in a spiritual existence after the physical body has stopped functioning. I know it exists as we have had many experiences with passed loved ones contacting us through signs and presence in reflections in mirrors and windows. Larry has contacted me and let me know he is ok and I will be too eventually. He reminded me to find my own strength, especially in the love we shared. I say this to you today to hopefully give you the strength to look for these signs from your loved one. They are there, you have to be open for them. If you are not right now, you will be! The strength you have in continuing on through the pain, feeling the loss, and feeling like you are wasting away shows you the depth of the love you shared together and your strength. Use that love and strength. It will never fail you like people can.
Please continue to post and chat here. You need to continue to reach out. It too is a validation of your personal strength.
Be well and remember to feel the true love you have inside you that was created by you both.
Hi morgan thanks for the reply. He had leukemia he just got sick one day and died 6 weeks later. We have leukemia in my side of the family. I dont know why he got it thats something i ask myself everyday.
Thank you for writing Morgan. I appreciate it so much that you reached out. I have an appointment with a grief counsellor on Monday. I'm looking forward to that and hoping the Dr. Can help. It's very difficult for me not to look ahead too much. I'm a planner by nature so this feeling of limbo is tough. However, I find that it's more painful to think of the future so I'm trying really hard to go hour by hour. Today I got out of the house for a bit. The distraction was good so I'll have to try that more often. I'm very sorry for your loss. It is almost unfathomable how we can live through losing a spouse. I am alive but not really living. I expect it will be that way for a long time.
I'll write again. For now I just wanted to thank you for the kind words.
I wanted to thank you for welcoming me to the group. I couldn't find a way to reply directly to your note so I'm afraid my comment is ending up on your wall. 27 days from diagnosis to death is just awful. I thought my 5 months was short. And it was. But, 27 days? I don't know what to think about the shortness of time. I wish I had gotten 5 more years with my love, or 10, or 20! I wish I was 53 as I was writing this and not 43. I can't imagine living God knows how many more years are in store for me. Why can't my life be taken instead of splitting up another soulmate couple? Why can't we go with our loves? Life is so damn unfair. My husband and I never really spoke about the possibility of his dying. The only time it really came up was right when he was diagnosed and he said (while crying) "I'm not afraid of dying but I can't leave you." We were convinced that we would be the 1%. I wonder if he was keeping his feelings from me to protect me or if he truly thought he would kick the cancer, as I did. Did you and your love talk about the possibility of his dying and leaving you? It's one of those things that I really need from him. I need to know what he thinks of this whole thing. I wish we had made some plans or something - like signs he would leave me or wishes he had for me for my future. He always said that if anything ever happened to me that he would take his life. I feel guilty that I haven't. Does that mean I love him less? I wonder what he would have wanted for my life. Answers I'll never know. It sucks.
I tried sending you a message two days ago but I do not think it went through. It is floating around somewhere in the ether. I apologized for not contacting you since early June as I had a heart attack on 06/06/16, was hospitalized for a week and had a stent placed in my coronary artery. It is frightening enough to be in coronary instensive care with a loved one by my side but was terrible facing it totally alone. I had to call 911 to bring me to my local ER and was admitted immediately for an emergency angioplasty. My regular cardio doctor was not available so they assigned me the cardiologist who treated my spouse for may years. In fact he is the dcotor who diagnosed the leukemia that took my love from me ten months later. So I do not thing that was a coincidence and that my love is looking out for me still. In a way I am disapaointed that the angioplasty was successful as I could have been with my spouse, for eternity, that much sooner. But once I am gone there will be no one on earth to remember our love and very long term realtionship and then marriage. So I go on but look forward to the day we will once again be together. I hope things are going better for you.Steve
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