I have missed two weeks of work and still feel awful. I Am stuck in this big dark lonely hole. Medication, counseling, nothing helps. My pain is much stronger than any of those. Hard watching the college kids moving into their dorms...walking around town, full of life and spirit. Larry would have been finishing up his degree in education. I just feel so sick every day, all day, it never goes away.

Haven't posted too much lately. Sending you big Hugs!

Odd you say that sharon. This has been an awful morning for me also. Last night larry was in my dreams but just sporadic and at the age of about 8, not his current age of 27. I woke up several times and tried to fall back to sleep to pull him back in so i could continue the dream but it didnt happen. Every night i speak with him to please come visit in my dreams so maybe he has settled into his new role and trying to make contact. I do not know how we can all learn how to live and cope with this type of suffering. It will never go away, our only hope is to learn how to manage the pain, it is our life and will always be our life but again finding a way to manage it. I understand the feelings of meeting with his girlfriend....it may be best to work on letting that part of your life go. Our lives are different now, we are not the same people, we will never be who we once were. I am trying to accept this and some people, with no fault of their own, will just not be part of my future. Maybe our circle will be tiny, maybe we will have to meet new people, maybe we need to find a new hobby...maybe, maybe?? We know our sweet bsbies would hate to see us suffering in such a way, but convincing ourselves in a totally different story. We are all bonded here, a place that nobody could ever understand, only if you have lost a child, no matter the age, no matter the cause. In 27 years i haven't gone more than 3 days at a time without hearing larrys voice, never 2 weeks without our meeting up to catch up on life. My dreams of him getting married, hsving kids, babysitting his children after i retire, the sound if little feet again...those were my hopes and dreams. I now have empty dreams but most of all, i have an empty heart. I find i am reaching out to reading more on how to understand this grief and mourning.. we have to get up, be gentle with ourselves and pray to God that this pain will subside one minute at a time. Keep talking to our babies and pray to them for the strength to get thru this. Much love...

Sharon...how are you coping today? Our lives shattered, i know we both lost our boys exactly one week apart, i lost my heart on 2/1/15. From one grieving mother to you and all the others.

Hi Sharon

Thank you for acknowledging what happened to me  and  I am very  sorry for the tragic and sudden loss of your son. We who are here can honestly say "I know how you feel " and truly mean it .You are welcome to share your feelings with me at any time for I share and understand your pain ...

PJ

Hey darlin'. I am so with you. I will be 57 in April and I feel so much older. I wish I could read. I use to love to read but can't concentrate. I totally understand also about thinking you are having an OK day then BAM it hits you right in the face and you are back to the bottom once again. We will hold each other.

Last night was the worst yet. Sleep from 9:30 to 10:30, then not back to sleep until 3:30 am and got up at 5:30. Plus my heart pounded so bad. My doctor called me yesterday evening, she deleted a med that I am on for something else. See if I sleep better tonight. If not then she is going to change things around. She mentioned a med that is for blood pressure that can help with the horrible dreams. I believe she is hopefully give me something for the anxiety. I will let you know. She is going to call me Saturday-tomorrow. Talk again soon. Hugs

Sharon, life really sucks. I miss Josh so much. I pray I will get to see him again someday.

Sleep is horrible. As you can see here I am wide awake. I am going to call my doctor in the morning. Just had a horrible dream that my youngest son was sick and I was going to lose him too.

I have been kind of wishy-washy on religion for a long time. I was exposed to many, many religions growing up. I pray so hard that there is a heaven then I know I will see my baby. There has to be a heaven. Please...I beg there is one...

Sorry one last thing... I want to also want to not be afraid of dying. I want to see him so badly, but then I worry what if??? I need to hang on desperately that I will get to see him again. Josh and Derek are my whole life and one is gone. He left so suddenly, unexpectedly...

Oh Sharon I am such a jerk, I rambled so much I didn't include some of my other thoughts. I can't imagine what your daughter must be feeling. Her memory of her honeymoon will forever be also the memory of losing her brother. One of the happiest times now has included the very worst of times. Oh I am sending her a big hug too. All my love, Jill

My youngest son lives in Northern Arizona. He graduated from U of A and found a job there. He has called me when he says he is having a "sad time". I try not to let him know of how bad it is for me. He would worry himself to pieces. I know he doesn't tell me everything he is feeling also because he knows how much I would worry about him. When we got him here to Sacramento when his brother was in the hospital Josh was already intubated and unconscious so he didn't to talk to him even though Josh was incoherent. We have sold our home and will be moving to Arizona to be close to him. We have no real family left and I have to be near him. I am feeling so over protective and constantly worry about him. It have been just a bit over 2 months. It feels like so long ago but at the same time just yesterday, I miss him with my whole being. When I went to Josh's service it seemed like I was on autopilot. Talking to people I did not know. People that came out of obligation. You will make it through it because you have to. I so many bad days I call them "bed days". If it wasn't for my youngest I don't think I could make it. I worry about him all the time. Please don't ever hesitate to leave me a comment. I am here for you. We are here for each other. I do tend to ramble now even more than I used so I apologize for that. Hugs and love. And as my sons say "Peace"

I am no longer afraid of death.. Because I want so badly to be with him again. It's strange how your life is fine minute then changed forever. I feel like I'm in a bad dream and I can't wake up. I'm dreading the funeral. I hope I'm strong enough to make it through. I need to go for him.

Sharon I am so sorry for your lose. I lost my 33 year old son December 7. I think that you will find many of us that care and understand. Hugs